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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I contacted the OW

367 replies

Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:03

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:41

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/11/2022 13:38

Let’s hope she’s not a mumsnetter!

Probably is haha oh well.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 14/11/2022 13:44

When you asked for her number, the very first thing he would have done is to warn her about what to say.

What did your partner say when you told him he should sell the house?

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:46

He said he would but again he thinks we should just have a break so he goes away for awhile so we can see how much we mean to eachother..

Yeah I was on the phone and I said I want her number and he was like I'll send it later and I stated if he didn't send it straight away I'll know you've messaged her first but she's taking a very long time to get back to me so I imagine their stories have to match up.

Feel like saying look I get that what you're saying is going to be scripted. She keeps deleting and typing.

If it really was innocent you be a bit taken back by the message and be like absolutely not out work relationship is strictly professional or something on those lines but she's obviously panicked.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 14/11/2022 13:49

Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:31

Let's put it this way her husband has been paying him for his work so it would not go down lightly. I don't want to do anything like that as his work supports our children I just want to hear what she has to say as my partner has only admitted it got a bit unprofessional but nothing more.

Show quote history

Ruin both their day. Tell them both you're telling him. Watch them panic.

TalkisChips · 14/11/2022 13:50

But if the house is his and you aren’t married, he doesn’t have to sell it as you won’t be entitled to it.

The break thing is just bullshit, he’s hoping you’ll just forgive him and life will go back to normal.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:51

Forgot he's actually with her now so this was completely pointless haha honestly how is this my life.

OP posts:
Mistlefrog · 14/11/2022 13:53

Hes cheating on you
you know from everything you’ve said that he doesn’t plan to stop

so leave
or leave it alone
staying and torturing yourself isn’t helping anyone. Least of all you because he keeps telling you you’re unreasonable and crazy and lying to you which is very hard to mentally withstand. And he’s probably loving torturing you, he’s obviously abusive from the other things you’ve said.
let it go and get strong enough to leave but this isn’t helping you.
also you have no idea hes even sent you her real number, you could be texting anyone

BadNomad · 14/11/2022 13:54

You are focusing on the wrong thing. She is just a bored rich woman flirting with the builder. It's likely nothing serious to her, just a bit of fun, and she's definitely not thinking about you. Your "DP" is the one who has had his head turned by this pretty rich lady giving him attention. He is the one disrespecting you. Lying to you. Gaslighting you. You have seen it with your own eyes. You really need to start looking at how to sort out your own life. You are in an extremely vulnerable position by being an unmarried SAHM. You can't even walk away from this disgrace of a man because of that. That needs to be your priority.

rainbowstardrops · 14/11/2022 13:54

Are you the OP who said he bangs on about how attractive she is and how wealthy?

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:55

It's definitely her number as it's on WhatsApp I just didn't know they were working together today so I rang him just now saying have you spoken to her and he said not really but they just spoke about some work stuff in person.

I don't know what to say to her feel like sending one last message and leaving it. Least for her just to panic

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/11/2022 13:56

Don't contact her, it gives her power and you'll get a load of lying balls designed to make you feel inferior and inadequate and worse than you feel now.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/11/2022 13:57

Wow this is nuts you broke the law BTW when you put that app on his phone, so he might not have cheated physically but maybe intended too or he has cheated and you will probably never know not being married goes completely against you too as you have no claim on his house ect can you look into renting a house and make sure you know his full income to claim. Cm if he is a high earner you should be ok money wise

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:58

Yeah it was utterly pointless. My partner has admitted she's messaged him on WhatsApp but he said he's staying out of it. Haha yeah okay.

Is this what all men are like is this something that will just happen if I meet someone else? I've got to a point I just lost trust in people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:58

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/11/2022 13:57

Wow this is nuts you broke the law BTW when you put that app on his phone, so he might not have cheated physically but maybe intended too or he has cheated and you will probably never know not being married goes completely against you too as you have no claim on his house ect can you look into renting a house and make sure you know his full income to claim. Cm if he is a high earner you should be ok money wise

It wasn't an app it was just turning on his notification history..

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 14:00

Also for anyone in this situation you can also look at recent emojis on keyboard which is pretty telling. He has said he must have pressed some by mistake. I'm not looking to be judged I fully know what I've done is wrong. But when you are being gaslight to oblivion wanting it in black and white is all the mind thinks about.

OP posts:
Justthisonce12 · 14/11/2022 14:02

I too messaged the other woman and actually it was extremely useful down the line when he completely rewrote history.

She was an absolute idiot but she didn’t deny anything she was stupid and thinking with her fanny. But it made everything is clear is Crystal as to what an absolute piece of shit he was and 10 years later my life is so much more peaceful without him and there’s no what is in my mind.

momtoboys · 14/11/2022 14:03

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 14:03

Justthisonce12 · 14/11/2022 14:02

I too messaged the other woman and actually it was extremely useful down the line when he completely rewrote history.

She was an absolute idiot but she didn’t deny anything she was stupid and thinking with her fanny. But it made everything is clear is Crystal as to what an absolute piece of shit he was and 10 years later my life is so much more peaceful without him and there’s no what is in my mind.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think that's why I need it as leaving will be incredibly tough and for a long time and I want to be able to be strong enough to leave and stay in that headspace any doubt and I'm worry I'll cave.

Even writing these threads has helped me come back to it and remind myself what has happened as your mind just trys to find a way out of this hell.

OP posts:
adiosamigoo · 14/11/2022 14:04

He doesn’t want to get involved??? He’s caused the bloody situation

LuckySnips · 14/11/2022 14:06

Ect therapy is a bit drastic Shock assuming you didn't mean that?

FruitTwistandShake · 14/11/2022 14:06

I messaged the other woman and it worked out well for me! She gave me all the evidence I needed to be able to start again. I was just glad that in that relationship we had not married yet and there were no children. It must be so hard when children are involved.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 14:11

LuckySnips · 14/11/2022 14:06

Ect therapy is a bit drastic Shock assuming you didn't mean that?

Sorry if I'm wording things badly I'm honestly typing faster than I can think. I suggested couples therapy as I thought maybe that could help but I'm not sure it's a good idea to go down anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 14:12

She messaged and said there's nothing to say they got on really well and became friends and if I had anything to ask I could so I just started a few inappropriate messages I've seen.

OP posts:
WishIhadacrystalball · 14/11/2022 14:14

I’m wondering op if because she is married she maybe doesn’t want to put it in black and white and may have been more honest on the phone. She may fear that if u have it u could share with her DH. Just a thought.

adiosamigoo · 14/11/2022 14:14

And it took her that long to write that?
listen OP this is what you do.
stop replying to her. Stop asking him about it. Stop looking at his phone.
save up money for the next 2 months, find a house to rent, sign a tenancy, pack all your stuff when he’s at work and leave. Take everything you can off that man. And also sew raw fish into the floor of his car.