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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I contacted the OW

367 replies

Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:03

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

OP posts:
Laneyy · 14/11/2022 12:53

If she still loves your DH she won't betray him. She might block you or ignore. I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of her mouth her loyalty is to your DH..

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/11/2022 12:54

Can you talk to someone like Women's Aid. or similar.
It sounds like such a difficult situation and he is tying you in knots, which is affecting your well being and your ability to work on your business and also having an effect on the children.
What is it that you think he wants to achieve? Does he want you to stay whilst he carries on with her? It doesn't seem from what she's said that she wants to end it yet. Or is he trying to push you into leaving?Or just enjoying being "in demand" and in control. Either way it doesn't sound like a happy place for you and your children to be.

You are struggling with so many unknowns. It's not surprising you are in a Fog.

It's a worry for you about where you would live, how would you manage.. but if you had some of those things sorted or at least some facts about them, then you might find it easier to make your decision. So talking to someone like Women's Aid. or similar - people on here may have better suggestions, they might help you clarify what you want, and how you could achieve it.. and that might make the actual decision about what course to take easier. Flowers

roarfeckingroarr · 14/11/2022 12:57

You can't live like this OP. If he's a high earner and you have children he will have to pay a fair chunk in maintenance which will go so far depending on where in the country you are.

He lied, cheated and he's continuing to lie and mess with your head. There is no way back,

Isittrueornot · 14/11/2022 13:06

You don’t need anyone to tell you-confirm to you-prove to you anything….nothing at all!!

you are a woman, Mother Nature has given you womens intuition….use it!!!!

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you’re clever enough to know it is a duck….you don’t need someone to tel you that it’s a duck.

Yes the truth hurts and it’s painful, doesn’t make it not the truth though. Don’t believe what you want to hear, that’s a man’s game and talk is cheap, believe what you, yourself see.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:07

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/11/2022 12:54

Can you talk to someone like Women's Aid. or similar.
It sounds like such a difficult situation and he is tying you in knots, which is affecting your well being and your ability to work on your business and also having an effect on the children.
What is it that you think he wants to achieve? Does he want you to stay whilst he carries on with her? It doesn't seem from what she's said that she wants to end it yet. Or is he trying to push you into leaving?Or just enjoying being "in demand" and in control. Either way it doesn't sound like a happy place for you and your children to be.

You are struggling with so many unknowns. It's not surprising you are in a Fog.

It's a worry for you about where you would live, how would you manage.. but if you had some of those things sorted or at least some facts about them, then you might find it easier to make your decision. So talking to someone like Women's Aid. or similar - people on here may have better suggestions, they might help you clarify what you want, and how you could achieve it.. and that might make the actual decision about what course to take easier. Flowers

Thank you I spoke to them recently but was conflicted as spoke to two different people from women's aid and one said I could be in a refuge anywhere from 3 months to 18months and the other person said it only be a couple of weeks.

I know that sounds stupid to get hung up over but if I leave my business will be on hold and I worry it will be a place that's hard for my children to be in and by that point there really is no going back.

I would probably be on benefits as what I make doesn't cover much or I will have lump amounts here and there but not enough to cover rent ect all the time.

Ones just started school the other little one is only 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:08

I asked him to sell the house so I can have enough to start over. I've helped his career bloom by staying at home with them almost 7 days a week which had meant anything I do is done from home and jobs have not been on the cards as it's been a situation where he would go well until you can make as much as me you shouldn't work as it will only make it harder for us ect

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:11

Isittrueornot · 14/11/2022 13:06

You don’t need anyone to tell you-confirm to you-prove to you anything….nothing at all!!

you are a woman, Mother Nature has given you womens intuition….use it!!!!

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you’re clever enough to know it is a duck….you don’t need someone to tel you that it’s a duck.

Yes the truth hurts and it’s painful, doesn’t make it not the truth though. Don’t believe what you want to hear, that’s a man’s game and talk is cheap, believe what you, yourself see.

I actually used that very phase this morning and he just laughed but I've heard the duck thing on here so many times and it's right. 😂 Couldn't be anymore duck really 😂 ah god trying to laugh when I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:12

I asked her to message so here goes. I'm sure everything will be very scripted..

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 14/11/2022 13:15

You won’t get the answers that you need. You are prolonging the torture.

MadeForThis · 14/11/2022 13:15

You already know the truth.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:16

I guess I'm just hoping something won't match but I feel any message is going to go straight to my partner and they will probably work on what to say together. She has a lot to loose..

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:18

Yeah no way this is going to go the way I hoped. She saw the first message in seconds and their messages have always been mins apart.

One thing I've realized from this is if you ask someone the truth and they take a long time just to speak or thumble going um er um wait I'm trying to think rubbish they are making it up on the spot.

Must be exhausting for them. I hope it is I really hope they don't both just sleep at night with ease and have no worries whilst I'm here shaking on my 4th cup of coffee.

OP posts:
Bigbadfish · 14/11/2022 13:19

You relationship is over.
I would now see this as a fincial agreement. Drop all emotions or wants you have with him you're just business partners now.

Can you get enough money together to set yourself up?
How long would it take?

The reality is you shot yourself in the foot. He doesn't have to sell the house and he's not playing the guilty party so it's unlikely you can use that to persuade him to benefit you.

Ideally you do need to start applying for jobs. Do you have any qualifications? Will he agree to paying for childcare?

moistmingemist · 14/11/2022 13:25

Once you've got answers you need to leave. Look after yourself.

Quitelikeit · 14/11/2022 13:29

Tell this woman if she doesn’t leave your partner alone your next message will be to her husband because quite clearly she needs a wake up call

callously disregarding your children and yourself in the chase for excitement and self gratification

re your partner - does he have to work for her? Is it her business? Does he know the husband?

I know others are saying your relationship is over but it’s only over when you say it is.

take your time and don’t rush into anything

hell I would tell the husband right now - you owe them nothing!!!!!

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:31

Quitelikeit · 14/11/2022 13:29

Tell this woman if she doesn’t leave your partner alone your next message will be to her husband because quite clearly she needs a wake up call

callously disregarding your children and yourself in the chase for excitement and self gratification

re your partner - does he have to work for her? Is it her business? Does he know the husband?

I know others are saying your relationship is over but it’s only over when you say it is.

take your time and don’t rush into anything

hell I would tell the husband right now - you owe them nothing!!!!!

Let's put it this way her husband has been paying him for his work so it would not go down lightly. I don't want to do anything like that as his work supports our children I just want to hear what she has to say as my partner has only admitted it got a bit unprofessional but nothing more.

OP posts:
ScrambledOrPoached · 14/11/2022 13:32

He broke your trust and now is testing you and thinks he continues to a right to privacy whilst you’re navigating this?

get rid, he has no respect for you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/11/2022 13:33

What would you do if she admits it all?

what would you do if she denies it all?

I can’t see how you will be any better off either way.

BadNomad · 14/11/2022 13:34

You are not going to get the truth from a married woman who has been texting inappropriately with your husband.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:35

She's messaging now I feel sick. I've just said look I've been there when you've been messaging late at night I imagine he's told her I'm never there or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:36

She keeps typing and deleting what ever shes writing this is torture I need to get up and do something and not just sit here. Thank you for your messages Mumsnet is honestly such a lifeline.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 14/11/2022 13:38

youll never rest while he still works for her

can he look for another job?

still message her and say you will tell her husband if she continues to pursue your partner

gettingolderbutcooler · 14/11/2022 13:38

Keep calm. You're the one with the power. She's probably crapping herself! Xx

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/11/2022 13:38

Let’s hope she’s not a mumsnetter!

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 13:39

Her partner is also not on socials or anything so even if I wanted to it just wouldn't get to that. There really is no way back from this he couldn't even keep it to just emails so they still WhatsApp, message email and call and the job is nearly over but he could still be working for them in the future.

OP posts: