I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

You said in I think your second post that you can't walk away.

If this is the case then why bother messaging or talking to her?

If you can in fact leave then you already know he's been unfaithful so why bother getting her story?

If you don't want to leave and you are just hoping all this will disappear and you can pretend it never happened then that's unrealistic.

Things will never be the same again.

I think you have to decide whether you want to stay or leave and go from there.

The thing about her and your DH is that working together makes it an unreal world - no arguing about the little things that come up when you live with someone, she doesn't wash his socks or clean his bog. A fantasy life. So, you want her to know that you are his real world. His dch matter. OTOH is this something that you and she should be sorting between you? The fact that he gave you her number suggests that this is what he expects. But it's time to tell him the fantasy is over. I would tell her that too - is she prepared for her DH and Dch to suffer the fallout from this, or does she want to end it now? But I would insist he break up with her, now, and take it from there. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

He keeps making out I am being unreasonable

You are. You're deluding yourself that the leopard is going to change his spots. leave the OW, be a devoted dad and provider and you'll get married and live together happily ever after.

OP stop destroying yourself, stop transaction -ing your self esteem and walk away. Sorry. I know this nasty test in life is as mean as they come. But you can't even deny the blaring reality. Safe your respect for yourself. Walk away. Cry. Feel the pain, and let the healing begin. Don't degrade yourself to need the word of the OW. She has no loyalty to you. Even if out of hatred for him she feeds you information, she is part of your trauma. Not the solution! Walk away OP. May God give you the strength and courage to do so, and healing. Sending virtual love to you at this testing time!

What exactly did you ask her?

Contact her husband, tell him they are cheating, give yours no warning and kick him out.
They won’t last.
All this messaging is them playing with your head. I know the torture. It won’t stop. Even if he cuts all ties with her and work and you start afresh.. you will ALWAYS have this mental torture.
He’s not the man you thought he was and that’s hard to swallow, but unless you want to make yourself ill, feeling these mind games for another 5 years, have him gone and mean it.
You will absolutely look back and regret begging them for information. They are making a fool of you.
The man you had is gone now, what’s left, is a version of him you will never be happy with anymore.
It’s so hard, but keep your dignity. You will look back on this one day and be so glad you got out of it. (And that pair will likely be single and unhappy..don’t accept his grovelling.. that will happen too)
I wish you well x

Fuck the two of them, seriously. It's no wonder this is messing with your head. They must be enjoying it. You need to draw boundaries and get away from them for your own mental health.

I would tell the husband

OP I think I’ve seen some of your threads before. You can’t continue to live like this, why put yourself through it? You know he’s cheating, you don’t trust him. Having anything confirmed or in black and white, doesn’t make any difference. You need to make your decision and go with it. If you end it, then do so and seek help. If you decide to stay, then forget everything and move on, trusting him. But you know that if you stay, you’ll never trust him and will always be wary and thinking - why live like that? You deserve, and can have, so much better.

You know what she meant, don't be a dick

Of course she said that.

It doesn't matter what tales they concoct, you know he doesn't respect you and you can't trust him.

The best thing to do is leave him, it seems hard but once you do it you'll be happy and in control of yourself again.

Sad to hear that children are involved in this shit show of a marriage

You can put a recorder on your phone so you can record the call. Although, I imagine they have matching stories and will back each other up.

Your relationship is done. You'll never trust him again and be looking over your shoulder. It's not a way to live. You gave him a decade don't give him another. He doesn't deserve your time or love.

She can't kick him out, the house is his. Where is she supposed to go with 2 children, the youngest 2 years old? Where exactly did you go when you were in her similar situation?

I don’t want to make things worse for you but I just wanted to comment on things from my perspective.

I’ve been the OW (no excuse but I was 18, he was older, the first guy to show me interest where I had freedom, etc). His wife messaged me a few times each time she found out and I would lie and carry on as normal. I believed the narrative of her being a psycho controlling and abusive wife and thought I was in love. But my point is, don’t necessarily believe what she tells you, even if she does make it seem like she’s telling you what happened.

OP, what is your plan to extricate yourself from this mess? Long-term plan that is.

You say you're unable to leave now and while that would be the best case scenario, I understand you not wanting to leave with no job, no savings etc.

He doesn't love or respect you, so the only control you can have here, is to emotionally disengage.

Cut him off. He continues to provide and you find a job, start saving and making plans for your future. That future should not include him, so remove the wing mirrors and try to lock sight only on that which will take you forward.

And make haste too, before he finds a pretty rich woman who actually wants him. Do not set your stall on him selling up and sharing either, because that quite unlikely to happen.

OP you need to look at the pragmatic advice posted with tips on how to get away from this cunt. @adiosamigoo had a good one for example.

You need to look after yourself. Focus on you now and your lovely DCs. Try to detach from him emotionally. It will be difficult but start ignoring him and OW. Invest any energy in yourself.

It's that having to start again. I've seen threads where women have had nothing and managed to leave and start again. You can do that too. It's within your grasp.

It's scary for you BUT can you imagine long term looking back and thanking yourself for being bold and taking that huge step to start a new life? What would that version of yourself say to you now?

Formulate a plan, everyone on here will help you and cheer you on.

If you stay that's your choice but likely he will continue to take the piss out of you. You deserve to be happy.
💐

Sadly by your messaging her he has achieved what he set out to do and that is you and the another woman in his mind, fighting over him.

Dump his sorry backside as soon as possible.

Block her number, there is no need to communicate with her in any shape or form.

Onwards and upwards away from that nasty piece of work and on to a bright future.

I know it's a minor point but the emoji thing is false. They're suggested emojis based on your texting, not ones you've used. Mine currently has a computer, a halo and a Portuguese flag in it!

Why oh why do women do this to themselves. Dont get married, become a stay at home parent, give up having a career and then wonder why it all goes horribly wrong.

I am going to be harsh here and say either put up with this nonsense or accept he is a cheater who will continue to have two lives for as long as YOU agree to it.

You are better than this but what on earth are you doing emailing and contacting this women. They could well be laughing their socks off at your behaviour or alternatively your OH could consider that as long as you know and dont do anything well - hey ho, let me continue with this....

Not necessarily true - My frequently used emojis are literally only ones I’ve used, not some random suggested ones.

This ⬆️

Sorry you are going through this OP.
You need to think of what you want your end goal to be. You are going to make yourself really sick if you keep going.

What do you need to see/hear to make you feel better and is it likely to happen?
If you have lost your trust then get focused on you and your plans for the future.

If she is married, she will never admit this. She has a family to lose too.

Time to start focusing on you!!

I contacted the OW. She had no idea about me. My now ex told her he was living in my basement and that I was just a friend. She had no idea about our nine years together, until he cheated with her, or our six year old DC.

It didn't last long after that. He ended up on his own living a really lonely life and hardly saw our DC.

I see nothing wrong in telling the OW the truth.

She's said word for word what he's said she replied sharply after I mentioned her husband. Shes at work with my partner so I imagine she shown him every msg.