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Original poster

Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

271 replies

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 07:59

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/11/2022 08:01

It’s what is best for the kids and that should always come first

Rockingcloggs · 14/11/2022 08:03

I think it's brilliant. Those kids are surrounded on Christmas morning by the people who love them and who they love the most. They're kids - why would you want to stop that?

Iittlestpogo · 14/11/2022 08:05

My ex does something similar - 4th year now.

If it’s any consolation it also isn’t particularly what I would want but I do it for my kids.

We have changed it a bit now in that he doesn’t come early enough to see the kids open their presents as he has another child ( they refuse to sleep at his an otherwise I’d happily do alternate years). So he now tends to come either mid morning or late afternoon ( in which case he eats Christmas dinner with them). They then go to his Boxing Day mid morning.

I assume there might come a point where it stops all together when they are teens.

Proamble · 14/11/2022 08:05

I think that sounds lovely for the children. It’s so nice to see the parents getting on and doing something nice for them. I think you sound jealous, not if her, but that you don’t have this amicable relationship with your children’s father. Why would you want to upset the children by stopping this?

Cosycover · 14/11/2022 08:10

Do you have kids?

I think this is great tbh. My friend does this with his ex. He actually stays overnight Christmas eve so he is there in the morning and can help with presents.

It's nice to see adults being adults in these situations.

I don't see why you have a problem with it? He's not there all day.

JorisBonson · 14/11/2022 08:11

(they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered).

I find this really sad. Those poor kids.

33goingon64 · 14/11/2022 08:12

Although I wouldn't like it either, I would swallow it. It's only once a year and they'll soon be uninterested in that kind of thing when they're all cool teenagers or have their own partners. If you and your DP are in it for the long haul you'll have plenty of Xmas Days together in years to come.

GreenManalishi · 14/11/2022 08:21

I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop

This is the path to misery for you, him and the chidren. You can take this and apply it to holidays, toothpaste in the sink, the list goes on.

It absolutely baffles me how this is a thing. You meet a man with children, who remain rightly top priority. At what point do you begin to think that you can change the situation to your advantage, can you pinpoint the moment when you began to fear that your position was about to be diminished by them all continuing to do what is best for the kids?

Are you a grown up? I don't get it.

Snugglemonkey · 14/11/2022 08:24

They are behaving as they should for exes who do not have a history of abusive behaviour. I do not understand why you have a problem with it. Stop being selfish, his children come before you.

IneedanewTV · 14/11/2022 08:26

We did this for years. It’s nice for the kids.

Snoken · 14/11/2022 08:26

He is not spending Christmas morning with his ex, he is spending with his kids, and so is she. I think they should continue doing this for as long as the kids are kids and not adults, and you should be happy that he is such a nice considerate person.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/11/2022 08:28

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered).

Thats a shame that you're cutting short Christmas with their father purely because of your jealousy. The kids should come first. Its great when exs can get on like this for the kids sake.

IneedanewTV · 14/11/2022 08:29

when the kids were smaller we did it for the whole day. I don’t understand why you are trying to stop a father being involved with his kids for one day. You knew what you were getting into when you dated a man with kids. Back off. Let him spend the whole day if that’s what the kids want. Very very selfish of you.

toomuchlaundry · 14/11/2022 08:32

I assume once the DC leave home he won’t be going round to the ex’s house on Xmas morning. He is doing it for the children and I think it is nice, especially if I read it correctly the children then have the rest of the day with mum. He wouldn’t see them otherwise

MichelleScarn · 14/11/2022 08:33

I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way and
I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop
Sorry but this looks like you expect him to centre you on Christmas day not his children. He and ex and parents should be applauded for what a positive, healthy situation they are showing their kids!

MissBattleaxe · 14/11/2022 08:34

I applaud him and his ex for putting their kids first. As a child of divorced parents who had to have half a day here and half a day there because my parents hated each other, I would have loved this. You're being selfish, not selfless. Back down if you're in this for the long term. If a man put me before his kids I'd lose a lot of respect for him.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 14/11/2022 08:37

Wicked stepmother pantomime tropes come from this sort of thinking

Zanatdy · 14/11/2022 08:38

I think it’s a good thing he’s doing and you clearly are jealous of it wouldn’t bother you so much. I think it’s wrong you’re putting pressure on him to stop him seeing his kids open their gifts, very wrong. Glad he’s stood up to you on this.

PeekAtYou · 14/11/2022 08:43

Let the kids have him for a couple of hours on Christmas morning. Don't push him to stop something that isn't going to be happening forever.
As for "diminishing your role", you have the day minus a couple of hours with him. The routine will change as the kids get older and you can a Christmas centred as a couple.

Tdcp · 14/11/2022 08:44

It's a shame that you're the only reason they cut the day short for the kids. As an adult I would do christmas with him the day after and let the children spend christmas day with their father.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2022 08:46

OP you say you're not jealous but this is driven by nothing but jealousy. You're not more important than his children

supercali77 · 14/11/2022 08:47

Ahhh, my bf does this with his ex and kid. This will be our 3rd Xmas. We don't live together, maybe id feel a bit lonely if we did and my dd wasn't with me that Xmas? but to me...there are certain times when a child just wants their parents with them. Christmas being one of them. Their birthdays being another. Etc. Families break up but a child remains a child to both of them, and there's something very wholesome about them being able to do that for them

FallingsHowIFeel · 14/11/2022 08:47

Parents prioritising their children, how lovely. If you can be more mature about this, I think you’ll see this as a hugely positive thing. This is the absolute opposite of a red flag for me, the fact that he and his ex can do this. It’s refreshing to here.

That’s presuming he treats you well and is a good partner, hoping you wouldn’t be with him if not.

Cr3ateAUsername · 14/11/2022 08:48

You clearly are jealous. I think it’s great that him and his wife can put aside whatever feelings they have towards one another for one day for the sake of the kids having a nice Christmas with their family together. I don’t know how old you are but you have some serious growing up to do.

Newusernameaug · 14/11/2022 08:48

We did this for years too, xmas and birthdays. Both had other partners and different times and all were fine with it, until ex met his now wife.
She also put a stop to it, and to be honest completely pushed my son out of exes life - son is now 19 and sees his dad a handful of times per year, so so sad.

please do not do this to those children because of your own ego and insecurities.