Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

I see my post has some more replies and funnily I was literally just thinking about the situation again when I saw.

i felt quite slated in here. He is going to have his ex round for opening the presents with the kids and then she will leave and kids will go to hers later for the meal. I shall leave them too it do my own gifts with my children and see him in the afternoon.

I do think possibly next year the situation needs to alter. The kids will all be a year older and all teens. When adults separate they do so knowing that this brings change for their children. The fact that the kids move between homes 50/50 and the parents don’t have any other joint time together with the kids I do think it’s not unacceptable for a new partner to either wish to be included or for the Xmas tradition to alter. Things need to move forward to include new altered situations. I’m happy to have a cup of tea on Xmas morning with his ex and their kids. I am not too sure she would be but I’ll offer next year.

we all need to move forward and include one another else

I do think it can be one parent clinging onto a family unit that no longer exists, that seems to be the situation in my case.

In his circumstance I think it’s both parents clinging onto it but I actually don’t think the kids will be too fussed if one isn’t there. They will always split the day and they know gifts are from both parents joint.

😮😮😮😮😮

Really? I really feel for them kids. Teens or not. All though I thought one of them was only 10, I could be wrong. Really hope their Dad does the right thing by them.

From your description, it seems that his kids get their parents for part of the day, and you get your partner for part of the day. I imagine he and his ex get to see the kids opening presents in the presence of both parents. It is just one of those moments that reinforces that kids actually have two parents who are their family unit.

Given the ages of the kids, they will probably not be into getting up early in the morning to open presents much longer. They will prefer sleeping in and opening presents whenever.

Let them have the little time that remains for that tradition. I would imagine that you enjoy opening presents with your kids if they are still young enough to be excited about opening presents as a family grou

Kids grow up so fast, you want to make as many good memories as possible. It is a good thing when kids see that there parents can make an extra effort to make some moments special for them. I don't think that kids are confused by these occasional family moments, his kids know that this particular come together won't happen again until next Xmas.

If parents are so desperate to show unity and continue tradition for the kids, why didn't they stay together for the kids?

Why blame OP for wanting to have a relationship with a father, including spending important holidays together?

I don't understand where the line is with this, what if OP and partner have children? Do they have to spend holidays with just mum so dad can spend time with the first family?

While I appreciate these things are lovely and can/do work sometimes, I think it's more common to not work. My DH has a child with me and with ex, I would not sit on ceremony at Christmas nor would I make my child and would go elsewhere if he chose to go to ex's house at Christmas. SC is more than welcome to join us, live with us, make own decisions but unfortunately is the child of divorce and both parents are remarried with separate lives.

If parents are so desperate to show unity and continue tradition for the kids, why didn't they stay together for the kids?

Because spending a few hours together a couple of times a year is vastly different to living together 24/7?

This line of thought, that both parents together at Christmas, is, somehow the best way or indicates unity, therefore implies those of us who don't do this with our exes are somehow giving our children a lesser experience at Christmas. I get on well with my ex, but we have separate Christmas' with our kids each year... They seem fine with the situation and do rather well out of it

Jeez, the level of vitriol in some of these responses is disturbing.
Rise above it OP. Some people are clearly on mumsnet to attack others in the bitchiest way possible.
Personally it wouldn't bother me. My DP will be hanging out with his kid and ex on xmas day. I prefer not to do tjat with my ex. There's no right or wrong. But it does bother you and your feelings should be taken into account too. Just because it was that way doesn't mean it can never change

But you/we are. My children don't see their father at all. It is what it is, they're happy, we have good Christmases but I don't kid myself that they wouldn't prefer it if they had both parents there on Christmas Day.

It doesn't mean that it's not the best decision for you or for you and your kids, but acknowledging that children would, in an ideal world, prefer to do Christmas (and birthdays etc) with both parents, doesn't make you a terrible parent and shouldn't make you feel like one.

None of us can give our children perfection.

I don't think you are selfish or displaying neediness, op, just wondering if the arrangements are 'usual' or 'right' and how long it will continue that way. In any case you can't help how you feel.

My opinion is that it sounds OK as it is. It will be nice for your children to have you to yourself for a while at Christmas and, let's face it, it won't be for long, your partner will be back with you in no time.

It's a shame that he and his ex wife haven't reached the point of being friendly but that's what it is; the important thing is that they put any difficulties aside and are together for the children for part of Christmas. Relationships between ex spouses are difficult to navigate but usually work out eventually.

As for next year, don't think about it now. Your man's children will be of an age to decide what they want to do and anything could change between now and then. Do you know well and like the children?

Just concentrate on enjoying yourself this year, nothing else is worth worrying about, life's too short.

I agree with you OP that at some point there has to be a new norm. When does it stop? When they are 18/21/left home etc.

I might be going against the grain here, but me and my DP are separated with DD 13 and wouldn’t even have considered this type of arrangement and we are on great terms, because it’s not real life and the kids will know that, even more so as they are older, so mummy and daddy are not together all year but then come together just because it’s Christmas?! it’s a bit fake to be honest, what about birthdays and Easter etc?

Personally it’s not for me, or us, and would your partners ex still want to do this if she met someone and he had moved in?

wow some absolutely disgusting replies on here. I've actually created an account to offer some support.
I don't believe you are jealous or selfish. Its an absolutely normal question to see how other people rationalise. I bet most on here calling you selfish are not in your predicament and are envisioning a life separate from their children's father and feeling jealous of them spending time with a new person hence the joint christmas morning.

There are far more families who split Christmas than do what your boyfriend does. People saying he must be an amazing dad because he wants to spend Christmas with his kids at his exes??? there are many amazing dads who don't do this but it doesn't make them less of a dad.
I am a divorced mum, who's kids dad doesn't really see them much through his own choosing, my kids are seeing him Christmas eve day this year as he has arranged it with them but they spend every Christmas with me.

I live with my boyfriend and his kids stay 50/50, I can guarantee his kids would find it extremely weird if their mum and dad spent Christmas morning together.
Everybody does Christmas differently and there should be no judgement, i can understand how you feel and think you are going about it the right way, moving forward a discussion about future years.

The children are not infants and can handle change, it is also mature for exes to be able to arrange separate Christmases so everyone doesn't miss out.

I agree

I should add my DP is having Christmas with his children, ex and her new partner. And me - he invited me along.

Ex isn't best pleased apparently.

Oopsiedaisyy,
I can't imagine anything more unpleasant than spending Xmas somewhere that you are mom or not wanted. If your partner were a more caring person, he would not expect you to accompany him to this event. It is not something that is for your pleasure and unless his children particularly want you there, it would seem to be a pretty selfish request on his part. Would you invite him to an event where you knew that his presence was not wanted? Does he need support to see his own children.? If the ex's partner does not live with her, he shouldn't be there either. If this is a family unit moment for the kids, it should involve only the kids and their parents. If it is some kind of blended moment then all of you should be welcome to attend.

I really do feel now that I’ve had time to think it through and consider your opinions and how I feel about it that I am justified to feel that the situation should change next year. Kids will be older. Kids will have had separated parents for 4 years. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. I enjoy his kids company. I expect to be in their lives. I am happy to say hello how are you to his ex. I’d be happy to be at events and have a chat no problem. But I think Xmas needs to alter. We all have new partners. And I do believe you need to take your new partner into consideration else you are maybe not at a point to move forward. Just my view. I don’t expect to be slated anymore.
I do wonder if some people that tell me I am awful wanting to alter their set up are in my position or are possibly separated parents (some not all) who desperately want to share Xmas to avoid not having to not see their kids. I get that. I have luckily not felt precious about sharing my children separately with my ex. I didn’t choose the separation but I have been realistic from the beginning of not giving my children false expectation. I am still convinced that these two adults are not ready to give up their own traditions for themselves rather than about the kids. I honestly do think the kids won’t bother. They know both parents have new partners and are part of both our family lives. I suppose my issue is that the current Xmas plans disregards both new partners.

Speechless.

Why

i would urge you to consider everyone else involved. This decision solely benefits you, no one else. The fall out could be catastrophic, I know if I was your partner I’d seriously consider ending the relationship and if I was his child I could not tell you how much I would hate you.

I get why you’re feeling the way you are but your entitlement is astounding. I really hope your partner steps up and tell you no.

@HelsyQ I don't think there's anything "entitled " about OP wanting to spend Xmas day with her DP. As others have mentioned, their set up is less usual. And how do you know how bothered the kids are about seeing both their on Xmas day? Maybe it's the adults that are making a big deal about it and the teenagers aren't that bothered?!?

He has told me no. But I’m saying next year we re look at the dynamics. I think this is fair. This doesn’t mean I don’t care for him or his children. I do. But it also means I care for myself and my own boundaries also. He is Divorced. Life has altered.

@AreWeThereYet69 thank you. I’m trying to be real to myself also in this. It’s a tricky situation.

One of the children are 10!
There is absolutely something entitled about entering someone else’s family and demanding that they change things to suit you, totally disregarding how any of them might feel about it. She entered these kids lives and she has no say on how they spend their christmas or split their custody. if you get with someone with kids you enter into their agreement and you can’t change it because you get fed up.

I don’t know how bothered the kids are but neither does OP and she doesn’t give a shit either.

my 11 year old would be totally heartbroken if we had that set up and their dads new gf decided to fuck it up. I’m what world is anyone supporting this it’s mental