Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

It's what I did for 6 years with my exh. Our kids are 16 and 17 now and don't get up early anymore or seem to need us to do it-but if they did, we would.
It wasnt always easy and when I had a boyfriend during that time he didn't like it-but tough-it was what the kids needed.
If it puts your mind at rest at no point did it make me want him back!

I find those who call me jealous and needy mean. I don’t think I’m selfish asking the question at what point does this family tradition end and a new one begin. I will never ask him to choose. I am content with my children. My children also do not miss out not having their dad open their gifts with them ( we do joint gifts they know they from both of us ) and we share the day. Last year my children woke up on Xmas morning with dad and his girlfriend and did Xmas morning then they came to me at lunch. Never have my children complained about not having boy parents there. I don’t think my boyfriends kids would be that fussed in reality. I do sometimes wonder if some adults do it for themselves not just the children. There is probably a mix.

there does have to be a change in their circumstance initiated by one adult at some point or we will not all evolve and move forward. Whether that be all have Xmas together (I can’t see his ex fancying this - I would be happy to) or they alternate things. Change is the constant that moves life forward. I don’t want to be the one forcing it. I am not going to. I have said it makes me feel funny. I can’t explain the feeling other than left out. I don’t think that is selfish to feel that way nor do I think I need to grow up. I think that I am pretty balanced to begin thanks very much. I merely wanted to gauge how others would feel in this situation. It’s good to read your views. Some of you I imagine understand more than others do and have been in similar circumstances. I am not going to alter anything nor say anymore now to him. I just hope that one day her and I can be in a room and share a glass of something and get to know each other to some degree if they plan to continue how they co parent as I think I’ll be with him for a long while to come and would like to shake off this feeling and feel comfortable with their situation. Thanks for all that took the time to advise me. Whilst some have made me feel a little crap about myself others have made me feel I’m not losing the plot. But all relevant for personal growth. X

This 100%

I think the point is, at the moment you are "just" a girlfriend. Once you're living together (if you do) then obviously things will naturally change. You seem to be trying to force it. Which isn't great.

Nah you're bonkers and small minded. Nothing wrong with keeping these special events for the kids. Splitting up doesn't have to be all or nothing when you share children. It's good for them to see their parents do things together.

Personal growth?
Yes - if you actually stop and consider what you are feeling and why.

If you realise that you are at the same overstepping boundaries - by deciding for hai kids what they need or how they’d feel:
And - seemingly having issues with how his co-parenting compares to yours. ‘My kids are fine not opening presents with their dad - why should his kids get to….’ It is almost like you aren’t only jealous of his co-parenting relationship with his ex; but you are also jealous of what his kids get from it Vs what yours do from your/your Ex’s.

Personal growth requires self awareness. Meaning an ability to wonder if you are the one being irrational. Rather than only seeking justification of your own feelings and opinions. Which is what you are doing here, really.
Cant grow if you are feeling so territorial and defensive.

You are told here, over and over - that he is a good guy, doing just right for his kids.
Do with it what you please.

Oh my golly. Stop. I have said I will take on opinion and views = I will look a the whole situation and grow from it. Stop trying to decide what you think I feel. That’s not what I came to ask. I came to ask about what’s normal. What’s similar. Be kind.

It is interesting that you don’t want someone deciding what YOU feel, but have no problems doing just that for your bf’s children. (They will be ok not opening presents with both parents…etc)
And on this thread you only appeared defensive; without any signs of self reflection.

Good luck. I do feel sorry for your partner.
But hope he sees you for what you are and picks his children.

@MMmomDD really very unnecessary input and mean. You don’t know me at all.

This nothing, they aren’t doing Xmas together or spending the day together. They spend a couple of hours in the morning together with kids whilst they open their presents.

People on here on bonkers. I don’t know anyone who does Xmas with their ex. Amazed how many threads there are with posters advising women to not stay with their husbands for the sake of the kids, but it’s perfectly ok for parents to put up a pretence of happy families for Xmas day.

Its not about a pretence of happy families - we’re separated, the kids know we’re not happy families but they would like their parents together at Christmas. There are many situations where parents need to be in the same space for the benefit of the kids (weddings, graduations etc), I have a good friend who dreaded her wedding day because her mum and dad hadn’t been in the same space together since they split when she was a teenager - I’d hate for my kids to worry like that.

Being together for “special” days isn’t a lot to ask of each other and really new partners need to accept they may not come first on such days.

I think it is good when separated parents can spend time with their children together, in one of their homes, or even go away on holiday as a family. I wish it happened more often.

You chose a boyfriend with children and you have to accept that is the way it is. Either that or end the relationship and find someone else.

Presumably he will be at yours for Boxing Day.

OP - do you have any other response other than calling anyone telling you something you don’t want to hear - mean?
No one knows anyone on here. We can only go with what people say and how they come out while saying it.

And you come out very strongly as a lacking empathy and any self awareness.
Can’t help it.

Being together for “special” days isn’t a lot to ask of each other and really new partners need to accept they may not come first on such days.

They don't "need" to accept that, really, because it isn't standard for separated parents. They might need to to be in a relationship with SOME parents, but it's quite easily avoided! I wouldn't accept it, nor have I needed to since DSS was 3.

He's spending it with his kids. Christmas is more for kids than adults. Get over it and stop trying to control him

Do people actually think speaking to OP like this gets their point across? It's not selling your case and she is allowed feelings, doesn't sound like OP has tried to control him and we don't know if the dynamics are making her uncomfortable good reason.

This thread has been a classic example of initial criticism resulting in a pile-on, coming from someone who can see both sides of this issue.

If you wanted OP to see your POV, maybe frame it a little more understanding and respectfully. All the accusations and snippy comments serve only one purpose, and that is to stick the boot in on an anon forum

I came to ask about what’s normal

There is no normal.

Every family does things differently.

Some coparents can't be in the same room as each other so they wouldn't do this.

You and your Ex don't do this, but you manage to do joint gifts, which many coparents wouldn't do, because they just don't get along well enough to do that. Some may not see this as normal... they do seperate gifts once they are no longer together. Normal is what you decide as the coparents.

This is something that the 2 of them have decided they want to continue doing for the meanwhile. It won't last forever, their youngest is 10... and it's just once a year.

My DC father comes to mine on Christmas mornings, and my DH goes to his exes. Then both dads go back to their respective homes to have dinner, then later go back to pick children up to take to theirs.
Things shifted when we got married, DH no longer gets the invite - it’s a shame given it was supposed to be about their child (and given that his ex had partners over the years anyway).

OP if it’s going to naturally change over the next year or so you may be best to step back and leave them to it, for the sake of a few hours.
Theres no harm asking your partner if you and your DC could also attend, but be prepared that he may not want to if it will make things awkward with his ex (obviously would be different if you lived together, he couldn’t exclude you in your own home).
It’s understandable to feel left out and a bit sad about it, especially if you have a different dynamic with your ex. Best thing you can do is make plans for the rest of the day to make the most of the time with your partner (and his kids if they come).

It’s the poster from the step parenting board that has about 10000 posts, which only ever see it from the step mums viewpoint. 🤣

@rainbowdaz thank you

@GrandOleOpryNights that's probably because she's a step mom and most people here hate the step mother so she's trying to offer balance

omg I cannot believe the comments on here! Your feelings are VALID. I would be uncomfortable with my husband spending Christmas with only his ex and children too. If you and your boyfriend are very serious, then his ex and the children need to understand that daddy has someone that he loves dearly and can spend Christmas with them too . It’s not like they are 5 yrs old… the ex should be understanding just as she has expected of you. This is reality when parents decide to split up. His kids can learn to love you as well and you deserve to spend time with them on Christmas if the relationship is very serious. You deserve to have that bond with them too. You shouldn’t be treated as an outsider.

She isn't a step-mum. She's dad's girlfriend. They don't live together.

Stop looking for excuses for people's valid reasoning.

@Cloverforever I'm not talking about the OP...