Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

He's spending Xmas morning with his kids, his ex just so happens to be there.
I totally understand why he does it, it's great for the kids, but also understand why you would you like to spend Xmas morning with him.
But he has kids so there are always going to be compromises.
I know other divorced parents who do this and also some who split their time with kids separately, which perhaps is more usual.
Does he spend time with you before going there? Stockings breakfast etc? If not maybe do that together and then have a relaxing morning to yourself or visiting your family before Xmas lunch together.

I don't totally agree with this. I always spent birthdays with both parents even though they were separated. Did Christmas lunch together until my dad started working Christmas days as finances were tight, and even then when he came to pick us up after lunch he would come in for an hour to see what presents we had got. It didn't confuse us in the slightest as they both had new partners. I think if done correctly it is really beneficial for the kids.

Sorry OP, I think he is doing the right thing. His kids are his #1 and so they always should be. I'd have been devastated growing up if my dad had left/Parents split, and all of a sudden dad didn't spend Christmas with us anymore because of his new partner. I'd have been even more upset if he started bringing her along to one of the few 'family' times we got to spend together. When all of the kids are adults I would expect this to change to include you. While they're still kids I don't think you can do anything about it without coming across controlling

There will be lots of occasions where you are secondary. Just part of the deal when you're with a guy/girl with kids! When they graduate/get married/ have kids etc... they're likely to want their mum and dad. Not always, but often.

Make a nice plan for yourself for Christmas morning and let him go spend time with his kids :)

Are you sad that your kids have a less good ‘deal’ on Christmas morning? Where will your children be?

It sounds as if you are finding it hard that he prioritises time with his kids over that time with you. Or that you resent the way that he and his ex have chosen to manage Christmas and birthdays.

But they are doing it the way that they have decided suits their children best. And no good will come of you pressurising him to do it differently. Including in years to come.

Accept it, build it into your own routine, be proud that he is a man who is a good Dad, and see the value of not being in a relationship with a difficult and toxic relationship with his ex, which brings its own problems.

How can you make this time your own? A Christmas morning visit to an elderly relative or a glass of bubbles with a single friend or whose kids are with their Dad? Lie in bed listening to carols and eating mince pies? Get all the cooking out of the way?

This is absolutely spot on and saves me typing similar.

If it's the last year: power through. But you are NOT selfish/controlling for wanting the day with your partner. Don't let the pious world of MN tell you otherwise.

I agree totally x

But what's the plan if you have children together? Is he still going to go over Christmas morning to his other children and won't that make you feel even worse?

We do Xmas morning and breakfast together with my ex too, then I have them for Xmas day and he would have them either Xmas eve or boxing day. It works well, it's nice for the kids. I don't think you have to feel strange about this one

He will have the kids Xmas eve and then she will come to him Xmas morning for the presents then she will leave and he will drop the kids to her later in day for the meal and she will have them the rest of xmas day.

next year she will have them Xmas eve and then him for the lunch.

yes she has a partner and I have no idea yet if she is proposing she brings him to my Boyf house for the morning or not.

i just wonder when will it alter. Or do I need to be prepared to always step back for Xmas gifts so they can do it together.

yes it’s wonderful that they can be civil.

i also am not sure what absolute benefit it brings the kids at this age when they know on any other day of the year mum and dad don’t really speak and have much to do with one another and don’t necessarily agree with one another’s choices / life. But yes amazing they are able to do this on occasion there is no denying that.

i suppose as I don’t have my kids father open gifts with my children and I don’t believe in any manner they are adversely affected I just don’t fully understand. They are loved by us both. They know the gifs are joint and that they will still spend half the day with the other parent just not together as we are no longer together.

How old are your children? Do you have any intention of blending families?

'Boyf' ICK

Grow up. I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt until I read that YOU ARE A MOTHER.

Wow selfish. The fact that you can't see it's for the children even though you have your own child make it's 10 x worse. Also why when you have your own child/children do you even need your BOYF with you.

It's all for the kids isn't it. Just engage and spend time with your own children for the few hours he is with his. Thank god his ex wife/girlfriend puts her kids first spending time with her ex so their kids have a nice morning.

Meanwhile your stewing over not seeing him a few hours. Absolute sad act honestly. I hope he sees what your about and runs for the hills.

Anyone who couldn't put my children first would be off.

Seeing them together shows that things are civil and friendly between them for important occasions which is even more important as they get older and will get to more important life occasions where you want both parents there and without worry

I am divorced and sadly we don’t have an amicable relationship. But if we did - my kids would have loved it if both parents can be around for the main holidays. And my kids are of comparable ages to his.

So - we are being ‘mean’ by calling you selfish for taking away a father from his kids on Xmas morning (not even the whole day)….
Yet see insisting on being chosen over his kids as completely normal, just because these are ‘your feelings’.

What about the kids’ feelings and his?
This is the exact definition of the term selfish.

Why are you so so insecure and so in need to stake your claim over him? You can’t erase his past, and you have your own.

With attitude like this - how can you expect to be included in any sort of blended family?

You don’t want to be there at his kids Xmas tradition because you love those kids and want to share a special moment.
You want to be there because in your head it proves you have achieved a position of importance in his life. Pathetic, really.

You really need to grow up. You have a good guy there who is doing the right thing for his kids. So many men don’t.

If I were in his shoes - and my bf were making it so difficult to do what’s best for my children - I have no doubt what I’d chose. I can always get another bf. My kids’ place in my life isn’t negotiable.

It's not selfish to feel that you want to spend the day with your partner but do you honestly feel that should be prioritised over the children's desire to also spend the day with their father?

Wouldn't it be better to try to include yourself first maybe rather than stop something that is working and that everyone else is happy with? I would try that first before taking away something that is really for the benefit of the children while they are still young.

Where are your kids when he goes to see his?

It sounds as though you don't currently live together. Given that, I would think it odd that you would expect to be included in their established arrangements.

I appreciate there is no hard and fast definition of 'step mother' but if you don't cohabit and are 'boyfriend/girlfriend' I would expect to be included

This is actually really nice for them.

If you don't have children together and you aren't threatened by the relationship then why would you want it to stop?

The children will miss out and they may associate that with you?

Instead of stopping him from doing it as a solution why don't you focus on making something special for you for Christmas?

If my partner did this with his ex, I wouldn't get in the way. They don't - because they can't get along but if they did, I'd celebrate the decency of it.

Doh! *I wouldn't expect to be included

Pick your battle wisely - if the children enjoy the arrangement and you do anything to rock the boat here you'll end up with a very difficult relationship.

His children will always come first. If you can’t accept that, maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

that he and his ex wife can be pleasant to each other at Christmas for the benefit of their children is to be applauded.

‘how rude’ of the person saying Boyf ‘ick’ completely agree - hate that term. Not sure what to call him. Probably partner is better term. I just don’t know what’s correct. It’s a post in itself.

I really really do think the term selfish is so cruel. Like I said I am entitled to my emotion.

we blend our families as best we can on weekends. We do not live together as live very close and this way each child gets their own room and it also gives him the space right now not to have children on some days when he doesn’t have his own 50/50. I’m so selfish giving him this time to have time out from children..

I just wonder when their tradition will stop and another / new begins. I don’t think it’s selfish to be in a relationship and have questions on expectations. Maybe I should say I’m coming along too with my children as that would be our future wouldn’t it.

I am just asking what’s normal. It’s always good to hear views on people on similar circumstances. I’m sure when I wasn’t in this situation I would have had a completely different view that where I am at now.

It's great that their family can come together and have christmas as together. Sorry OP but the kids come first, in a few years this situation may change but for now you're going to have to lump it

This!!

Children grow up so quickly so just let him spend this time with them.
I understand it isn't nice because you aren't invited or involved in this but it shows he is an amazing dad!

I wouldn't force him to stop. He would probably really appreciate your support with this decision for his children.

It won't last forever !

I think it's nice they are able to do that, do you not go with him in the morning? I'm just wondering if you are feeling slightly left out? Might be worth asking him if you can come along, or do it at your house for a change and the mum and kids comes to you? And then you could take turn each year? I think you could make it quite special if you tried. Don't take him away from his kids on a Christmas morning, he's there for them not her. It's co parenting.

Maybe I should say I’m coming along too with my children as that would be our future wouldn’t it.

Nooo you can't do this! How old are your kids? Do they want to share their Christmas mornings? He's only along the road so not as if he's hours to travel to get to you!

This ☝️ the kids stopped having a full day of Xmas with their parents because of you. In the great scheme of things, and life being brief, the kids growing up, is it really worth what you are doing?