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Original poster

Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

271 replies

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 07:59

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

OP posts:
FallingsHowIFeel · 14/11/2022 08:48

hear

strawberry2017 · 14/11/2022 08:49

I think this is lovely, if something happened between my husband and I, I would at least like to think we could put the kids first and do the special things for them together.
I think you are looking at this all wrong. This is a guy who really cares for his kids. This is a good thing!

Dery · 14/11/2022 08:50

Agree with PP, OP - I understand your wish to be with your BF on Xmas Day but a decent parent prioritises their children and you shouldn’t be trying to interfere with that. In your BF’s shoes, I would be a bit troubled by your wish that he prioritise you over his children.

Normandy144 · 14/11/2022 08:50

I think it's great that he and his ex are being so mature about things. Just because they're no longer together doesn't mean they're not equally invested in their children. When so many children have to put up with parents who can't be civil towards and communicate for the sake of the kids, let alone be in the same room, I think it's really refreshing to hear. I would be wholeheartedly supporting this - you can see him later in the day.

MMmomDD · 14/11/2022 08:50

Seriously?

You need him to prioritise you on Xmas morning over his kids? Because you are ‘bothered’?
I sincerely hope he doesn’t stop his Xmas and birthdays tradition with his kids. His youngest is only 10.

I also hope he takes a good look at his relationship with you. Because if you are this demanding and manipulative about his relationship with kids - it probably doesn’t end there.

Tryingmyb3st · 14/11/2022 08:54

My ex and I do this. I can guarantee you it's for the benefit of the kids. I'd much rather my Xmas morning be just me and DD but having us both together on Xmas and birthdays sends such a strong message to DD that while we don't love each other any more, we're a team when it comes to her.
She doesn't see the effort required behind the scenes to make this work and doesn't need to.
It's part and parcel of being with a person who has kids. Surely you can endure it for a few hours twice a year without complaint? It's really not about you.

BlondeWaves · 14/11/2022 08:54

I'd love a morning to myself on Christmas. I'd stick a move on, do my makeup nicely, have a glass of bubbly, crack open some chocolates and chill in pure Christmassy bliss until he got home. Boxing day is the best day of Christmas anyway. He's doing what's best for his kids OP and I hope for their sake he doesn't stop!

Emmamoo89 · 14/11/2022 08:54

If that's how you feel this relationship ain't going to last.

limabeans · 14/11/2022 09:01

You have him your boyfriend all the time, but you begrudge the children their father on a special day.

The children existed before you.

whitramp · 14/11/2022 09:03

I'd love it if my ExH could bring himself to be adult enough to do something this constructive for our shared DC on Christmas or birthdays.

FinallyHere · 14/11/2022 09:04

they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered

I'm very sorry to read this. You are too 'bothered' for his kids to have both parents around for Christmas.

I wouldn't do that. I think I'd find a different approach to Christmas.

limabeans · 14/11/2022 09:04

And yes, you really don't understand the efforts made by the mother and father to give their children family time on christmas day. It would not be easy but seems both parents are decent people and putting the children first.

Something that you cannot do. You are a grown up. They are children. It doesn't matter if they are 16 or 5. They are children who had their family ripped apart...so for one day, give them Christmas as a family.

Ittakesavineyard · 14/11/2022 09:04

unpopular opinion here .. I’m going to go against what everyone else has said. I agree with you and get what you’re saying , it’s a bit … I don’t know what the word is. It sounds like things have changed since you met your OH but I do get what you’re saying.

I’m a stepmum and my DH has never done this.. also I grew up with divorced parents and my dad did it twice when I was like 6/7 and then I suppose my parents both met other people and it stopped. I know that my step siblings dads never did it on both my parents sides. I’m not scarred from it and it didn’t bother me at the time.. or now.

I’d just speak to him about it.. if he wants to continue with it then that’s up to him but I think you should just get your feelings out in the open. Don’t let any resentment build. X

Ittakesavineyard · 14/11/2022 09:05

You might find support on the step parent page.

Original poster
HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 09:09

No one has mentioned future about inviting me into this or is this not the done thing? or do people always do these traditions only with their first family?

I ask these questions as obvs I haven’t been here before.

I am allowed my own emotions without being branded selfish. I find that mean that many of you have labelled me. I have tried to be honest and explain something just makes me feel odd about it - maybe about not being part of it. Some of You rightly say that I knew what I was taking on with a man who has kids - yes you are correct! but equally when families separate they make a choice for themselves and that will never be ideal for the children and changes will occur.

i just wondered how others deal with similar

appreciate your replies. Go easy on me. I’m also a divorced mum navigating change.

OP posts:
MasterPretender · 14/11/2022 09:13

So you would rather he dumped his kids on Christmas day in favour of spending it with you instead, a grown adult?

If they were your kids instead, would you be happy if your kids' father decided he didn't want to spend it with them and prioritise his girlfriend? Do you think that's healthy for the kids?

I'm trying very hard not to have a go at you, but asking you to think this through from the perspective of those kids and their long term emotional well being.

BlondeWaves · 14/11/2022 09:15

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 09:09

No one has mentioned future about inviting me into this or is this not the done thing? or do people always do these traditions only with their first family?

I ask these questions as obvs I haven’t been here before.

I am allowed my own emotions without being branded selfish. I find that mean that many of you have labelled me. I have tried to be honest and explain something just makes me feel odd about it - maybe about not being part of it. Some of You rightly say that I knew what I was taking on with a man who has kids - yes you are correct! but equally when families separate they make a choice for themselves and that will never be ideal for the children and changes will occur.

i just wondered how others deal with similar

appreciate your replies. Go easy on me. I’m also a divorced mum navigating change.

The kids come first, always. Do you spend time with him and his kids + ex wife already? Don't get me wrong I do actually know someone who does what you're suggesting (for Christmas and birthdays), but only because his partner and ex partner have a friendship and enjoy spending time together. If not, I think it would be uncomfortable for all those involved. I just think the fact that you have all Christmas eve, Christmas afternoon and boxing day, plus you wake up together on Christmas morning is plenty. A lot of people work Christmas morning and see their partner later on. I think he is being really sensible and you're making this about you. Imagine how you'd feel as I kid if your dad suddenly stopped your chrustnad tradition to spend with his partner? They're his kids OP.

ScrambledOrPoached · 14/11/2022 09:15

My brother and his ex do the same. I think it’s great for the children not to be pulled in different directions.

fantastic he is mature enough for it - I don’t know anyone other than my brother who does this. All other divorced people I know have a bitter and miserable ex who does as little as possible and makes their ex wives life a misery.

PineapplePear · 14/11/2022 09:16

She didn’t suggest he dump his kids, she is just wondering if there could be a new blended family tradition

Lalliella · 14/11/2022 09:16

Really sad that he’s cutting Christmas short with his kids because of your neediness. You’re a grown adult, act like one. His kids should always come first for him.

Clymene · 14/11/2022 09:18

Well where are your children on Christmas Day?

DaddyPiglet · 14/11/2022 09:18

If you came along, you'd probably feel much better about it! Why not go with him, if she doesn't mind?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2022 09:19

Is the mum single? These things often aren’t sustainable long term though they begin as a way of making everyone feel better about the split in the short term. Despite the comments on here most divorced couples find a way to split Christmas which is less confusing for the children and gives them quality time with mum and dad. One of the few benefits of separated parents is two Christmases and two birthdays.

If he’s happy with the status quo you won’t get far changing it. But it’s very unusual in my experience as a step child and a step mum and knowing a lot of divorced couples. Pretending nothing’s changed for one day can be confusing for the kids.

What do they do for birthdays?

I expect if she was in a relationship and living with someone she’d be less keen for your DP to be going to hers for Christmas. And he’d be wanting to celebrate with his DC at his house, getting to do all the fun and prep and stockings and food for them himself. The fact that he isn’t would be giving me as much pause for thought as anything else.

Will you be at yours with your DC while he’s at his ex’s? Or are they with their dad this year so you’ll be on your own?

Wanting a proper Christmas with your committed long term partner at your house with yours or his children is whatever combination works each year is completely normal. I’m not sure why people are jumping on you to tell you it’s not.

DaddyPiglet · 14/11/2022 09:21

Wanting a proper Christmas with your committed long term partner at your house with yours or his children is whatever combination works each year is completely normal. I’m not sure why people are jumping on you to tell you it’s not.

Yes, normally everyone sides with stepmothers and tells them it's fine to dislike your step kids but wanting to be involved in Christmas plans is just a step too far, apparently!

FallingsHowIFeel · 14/11/2022 09:21

Some of You rightly say that I knew what I was taking on with a man who has kids - yes you are correct! but equally when families separate they make a choice for themselves and that will never be ideal for the children and changes will occur.

Yes, many people do what is best for themselves rather than what is best for the children. It doesn’t have to be that way and I think what your boyfriend and ex is doing is much better. Although you may feel it’s not as good for you, I think long term it will be as it shows a really good character. Again, that's presuming that other things he does show the same amount of maturity.