Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

271 replies

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 07:59

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/11/2022 11:30

There's nothing irrational about your feelings - it's as reasonable for you to be uncomfortable about this as it is for them to want to do it.

And I agree with AnneLovesGilbert, I don't think this is as standard an arrangement as doing Christmas separately with both parents and personally I think that's the better approach, especially at their ages.

mileaminute · 14/11/2022 11:34

I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop

You assumed he would put you before his kids and he hasn't. He's a good egg.
As they're getting older it won't be so important and will probably tail off but please don't put pressure on him. This works for his family.

Notaboutthebass · 14/11/2022 11:37

Let his kids do what they want on Christms Day and focus on your own. It's one day a year!

Clymene · 14/11/2022 11:38

@Unsurewheretogo - yes, he's a separated parent who is putting his children first. In the same way that parents who have separated amicably both go to parents evenings, school open evenings, assemblies, plays, birthday celebrations and rugby matches for their children.

There are no blurred boundaries - the fact that he only spends the morning watching his children open their presents shows that. It also shows the children thar despite their parents being in love with other people, they put their children first on Christmas morning.

It's very sad you're unable to see this is nothing to do with the ex wife but about raising confident and happy children.

MammaFifi · 14/11/2022 11:39

I'm clearly in a minority but I've never known separated parents to do this. Perhaps if both parents are single it would be sensible. But if you have children with this person, how would that work? Most separated families rotate where the children are for Christmas so can enjoy both sides of their family.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/11/2022 11:41

What does he say when you have spoken to him about it?

VollywoodHampires · 14/11/2022 11:43

Crikey OP, you’re a bloody adult, get a grip 🙄

Billslills · 14/11/2022 11:46

I totally get what you’re trying to say and I think your feelings are fair. You feel left out and want to be included. You’re not even saying he should stop seeing her but start to include you and your kids. Do your and his kids spend much time together? Have you had much do to with his ex? Perhaps Christmas Day isn’t the best time for your first get together but definitely something you should all start working towards for the future.

Unsurewheretogo · 14/11/2022 11:49

@Clymene i see what you’re saying, I really do. But couldn’t he either A. Find a way of combining things so his partner and kids to spend the morning together? It’s not fling, it seems the OP and her partner have been together a while. It takes a certain type of person to leave someone alone on Christmas morning. And what better way to show your kids that your new partner is important and part of your life that having them with you

Or B. Do what is typically more traditionally with separated families is do alternate years or alternate days. No one is expecting him not to see his kids or be less involved in any way, just be respectful of the fact he also has a partner. And if he can’t find a way of combing both aspects of his life, why the heck has he chosen to date?

My money is on the ex being single too here. OP, is that the case?

Additionally, kids need consistency and routine. I appreciate Christmas is a different day in terms of what most of us do but given the fact they know their parents are separated, live apart, spend time with each parent apart and indeed their dad has a partner wouldn’t they find it odd all of a sudden their parents being together on a special day?

What message does it give kids about love and respect if they see their dad excluding his partner?

Snugglemonkey · 14/11/2022 11:52

Smearywindowsagain · 14/11/2022 10:19

People are very keen on here to be the cool gf/ wife. I wouldn’t stick with a boyfriend like this. Nope. He’s too involved with his ex. Selfish or not. He’d be welcome to spend his Christmas with his kids but he wouldn’t get to date me as well.

It is nothing to do with being cool, it is to do with having a shred of maturity and not insisting on being the centre of the universe every second of the day.

butterfliedtwo · 14/11/2022 11:59

You have children yourself, it sounds like. Focus on them on Christmas the way he focuses on his.

You're entitled to your feelings, but you shouldn't feel entitled to break up the time he has with his children on Christmas. It's not even the full day.

ObjectionSustained · 14/11/2022 11:59

I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way

What role?

He's spending time with his kids on Christmas morning. What's the big deal? It's great that both parents get to watch the children open their presents; much better than one having Christmas morning without their kids.

It must be heartbreaking to have to share that joy, and go without every other year. I think what they're doing is great.

I think you are jealous op, and you need to resolve that issue with yourself because the kids will always be a top priority.

Clymene · 14/11/2022 12:07

Well perhaps you should read all the OP's posts @Unsurewheretogo

They don't live together
The other parent also has a partner

Christmas is about children and this is a really grown up children centred way of doing it. I applaud them

blacksheep2014 · 14/11/2022 12:15

I understand. My partner does this with his ex and dc aged 8 and 10.

Last two years I've gone to my family and he's spent the day, just the four of them but this year I'm currently 38+5 with our first child so his exw will come to us on Xmas day. It's ok for you to say this is hard, it's ok to talk about how it makes you feel and to have those feelings validated. Some things we've done that have helped have been setting our own wee traditions outside of Xmas day itself. I've also tried to spend some time with them as a whole family so that there's not too much pressure on Christmas and his exw and I can be more comfy, around each other.

What's not OK is asking him to chose, no one wins.

Musti · 14/11/2022 12:23

It’s just one more year, go with it

daisyjgrey · 14/11/2022 12:25

I'm on the other side end of the spectrum, I don't think it's particularly good or commendable to keep doing joint things like that after parents split. Especially when they're small, it blurs boundaries, and generally comes from the parents desire not not spend Christmas Day without the children, not what's best for the children themselves.

emptythelitterbox · 14/11/2022 12:44

Would you ex, your DC's father, like to come to yours on Christmas morning to open presents?
You could ask him. The kids would love it!

Clymene · 14/11/2022 12:51

daisyjgrey · 14/11/2022 12:25

I'm on the other side end of the spectrum, I don't think it's particularly good or commendable to keep doing joint things like that after parents split. Especially when they're small, it blurs boundaries, and generally comes from the parents desire not not spend Christmas Day without the children, not what's best for the children themselves.

How is it blurring boundaries any more than both parents being at your birthday party or looking round schools/going to parents' evening?

Not being snarky, I genuinely don't understand

IneedanewTV · 14/11/2022 13:02

I think it takes a lot of strength and belief for the mother to go to the ex’s house in the morning to open presents and then leave then until the kids come to hers for the afternoon. I would hate it and it would upset me but I would do it for the kids. I think it’s a lovely tradition. My ex would come to my house in the morning to open presents and would stay for lunch.

when did it stop? - when one of the kids could drive so they would go to their dads instead.

why don’t you and your boyfriend go away Boxing Day morning to a lovely hotel and celebrate. But please don’t stop him spending time with his kids. What he is doing is nothing unusual.

Topee · 14/11/2022 13:04

I don’t mean this to sound as harsh as it’s going to but you sound needy and jealous.

You have your own children to focus on so jealousy can be the only reason you don’t want him to spend time with his ex and his children.

Why is spending the morning together with your children not something you’re satisfied with?

IneedanewTV · 14/11/2022 13:07

BigScreen · 14/11/2022 11:21

My DP spend 4/5 days with his children and ex wife over Christmas - staying at her house. One of the children are 18+ but it's a lovely tradition they have and had way before i came along. Obviously it means I don't see him at all over Christmas but that's okay because children come first.

His healthy relationship with his ex is one of the reasons I fell for him.

You sound lovely.

IneedanewTV · 14/11/2022 13:09

MammaFifi · 14/11/2022 11:39

I'm clearly in a minority but I've never known separated parents to do this. Perhaps if both parents are single it would be sensible. But if you have children with this person, how would that work? Most separated families rotate where the children are for Christmas so can enjoy both sides of their family.

I know lots that do this. We must mix in different circles. But then all of my friends have amicable relationships with their ex’s. Some even stay for dinner and play games in the evening!! Whatever next - people getting on as adults.

Floweryflora · 14/11/2022 13:12

Goodness what have I just read, trying to stop this family doing Xmas morning together, how jealous and insecure do you have to be to try to stop this. Even in Christmas morning you can’t put these children first.

Smearywindowsagain · 14/11/2022 13:39

People on here on bonkers. I don’t know anyone who does Xmas with their ex. Amazed how many threads there are with posters advising women to not stay with their husbands for the sake of the kids, but it’s perfectly ok for parents to put up a pretence of happy families for Xmas day.

blacksheep2014 · 14/11/2022 13:41

Smearywindowsagain · 14/11/2022 13:39

People on here on bonkers. I don’t know anyone who does Xmas with their ex. Amazed how many threads there are with posters advising women to not stay with their husbands for the sake of the kids, but it’s perfectly ok for parents to put up a pretence of happy families for Xmas day.

In my case I can assure you it's not a pretense, it's a calm, consistent and adult approach to an adult instigated set of circumstances that prioritises the children's mental wellbeing.