Page 11 | Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

HollyIvy89 · 2022-11-14T07:59:30+00:00

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together. this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM. I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now. I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect. I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way. (my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids) I just don’t know why it bothers me so much looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please. ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 21:12

HollyIvy89 · 20/12/2022 21:05

He has told me no. But I’m saying next year we re look at the dynamics. I think this is fair. This doesn’t mean I don’t care for him or his children. I do. But it also means I care for myself and my own boundaries also. He is Divorced. Life has altered.

It’s not fair.

Original poster

HollyIvy89 · 20/12/2022 21:30

‘Entering someone’s family and feeling entitled.’ This sums up what many have opinion on.

i feel some people seem to talk like I change the situation for this family. no. They did this themselves before I came along and then things alter when adults start new relationships. This is all normal. Some may have spending time together still as normal - my point is that for me it doesn’t feel comfortable. That’s fine. I’m allowed that. I am a good person. I am comfortable I am but I also am allowed my own boundaries. His kids don’t spend any other joint time together. I am not splitting up a family unit. I’m asking to move it forward some how in a way that suits all involved. No when I entered relationships did I expect to be having this conversation but here we are. Year 3. I think I am justified to expect it to be altered at some point! Not making me selfish or bad.

OP posts:

IneedanewTV · 20/12/2022 21:35

Oopsiedaisyy · 20/12/2022 16:57

I should add my DP is having Christmas with his children, ex and her new partner. And me - he invited me along.

Ex isn't best pleased apparently.

I wouldn’t go. Would make me feel so sad. Why not have a lovely day to yourself. It really is just one day.

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 21:42

HollyIvy89 · 20/12/2022 21:30

‘Entering someone’s family and feeling entitled.’ This sums up what many have opinion on.

i feel some people seem to talk like I change the situation for this family. no. They did this themselves before I came along and then things alter when adults start new relationships. This is all normal. Some may have spending time together still as normal - my point is that for me it doesn’t feel comfortable. That’s fine. I’m allowed that. I am a good person. I am comfortable I am but I also am allowed my own boundaries. His kids don’t spend any other joint time together. I am not splitting up a family unit. I’m asking to move it forward some how in a way that suits all involved. No when I entered relationships did I expect to be having this conversation but here we are. Year 3. I think I am justified to expect it to be altered at some point! Not making me selfish or bad.

Omg you are changing it… your deluded!! You’re literally acting as if it’s your birthday. It’s Christmas Day. Of course you’re entitled to your feelings but you are in no way entitled to change that families plans.

youre not justified honestly, you’re really not.

Bemyclementine · 20/12/2022 21:52

@HollyIvy89 I havent read all the replies, I saw your post on the other thread, how odd that the same issue can be answered in 2 totally different ways!

Thelifeofawife · 20/12/2022 22:13

OP and her DP are in a relationship, they both have children. Why is it up to OP and her children to fit around her DP’s “traditions”, when this is relatively new as his/children’s original tradition changed when he left his ex.
I say this as someone who does do Christmas morning with my ex, and my DH does with his ex. However, if any of us (me & DH or our exes) had more children then this would stop. As nice as it is for the children, things change and they learn to adapt.

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 22:15

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2022 13:14

when you get with someone with kids YOU enter THEIR lives the onus is completely on you to fit in with their traditions, life and custody arrangements.

Yeesh 😬

Custody arrangements maybe but the rest no, you don't, I would never have agreed to be with my partner in those terms. Many separated parents are still more than able and willing to build new traditions, step parents are not automatically slipping into an established life by default.

But she did agree and now she wants to change it. She doesn’t have to she can do the right thing and Leave

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 22:16

Ladies seriously the kid is 10!!!!! This kid needs to change because this grown woman has thrown her toys out the pram.

THAT. IS. INSANE

Mari9999 · 20/12/2022 22:30

OP, if he is spending a significant portion of the day with you and your wider family, is the problem that you feel entitled to 24 hours of his day? Should he not be able to see his children on Xmas if you are not present? Is he trying to intrude on your Xmas morning with your kids?

Do you and your ex not try to provide what you believe to be the best possible Xmas for your joint children even if you determine that to be separate events ? Are he and his ex not entitled to the same freedom of decision that you and your ex enjoy, even if their decision is different than yours?

You are entitled to spend Xmas with your kids as you see fit. Is he not entitled to that same right particularly when you still get a significant portion of his time on Xmas day? Does it mean that he loves you less because he wants to spend the early morning hours with his kids as they open their Xmas gifts. How would you feel if he told you that he would prefer not to spend his afternoon in the company of your children or your wider family?

SunflowerTed · 20/12/2022 23:14

GreenManalishi · 14/11/2022 08:21

I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop

This is the path to misery for you, him and the chidren. You can take this and apply it to holidays, toothpaste in the sink, the list goes on.

It absolutely baffles me how this is a thing. You meet a man with children, who remain rightly top priority. At what point do you begin to think that you can change the situation to your advantage, can you pinpoint the moment when you began to fear that your position was about to be diminished by them all continuing to do what is best for the kids?

Are you a grown up? I don't get it.

Totally agree. Feel sorry for the guy and his poor kids

SunflowerTed · 20/12/2022 23:16

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 21:42

Omg you are changing it… your deluded!! You’re literally acting as if it’s your birthday. It’s Christmas Day. Of course you’re entitled to your feelings but you are in no way entitled to change that families plans.

youre not justified honestly, you’re really not.

Show quote history

Totally agree

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 21/12/2022 00:02

I think it’s possibly feeling like he’s going off to his ‘family’ and not feeling part of his family. I understand that must hurt.

This thread was an interesting read with very opposite views, when younger children are involved.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4701042-ex-prioritising-new-gf-at-christmas

Personally, I wouldn’t make demands, but I think a conversation for next year is acceptable.

Moser85 · 21/12/2022 04:03

HollyIvy89 · 20/12/2022 21:30

‘Entering someone’s family and feeling entitled.’ This sums up what many have opinion on.

i feel some people seem to talk like I change the situation for this family. no. They did this themselves before I came along and then things alter when adults start new relationships. This is all normal. Some may have spending time together still as normal - my point is that for me it doesn’t feel comfortable. That’s fine. I’m allowed that. I am a good person. I am comfortable I am but I also am allowed my own boundaries. His kids don’t spend any other joint time together. I am not splitting up a family unit. I’m asking to move it forward some how in a way that suits all involved. No when I entered relationships did I expect to be having this conversation but here we are. Year 3. I think I am justified to expect it to be altered at some point! Not making me selfish or bad.

Things only have to alter if they had been spending a significant amount of time together and doing lots of things together.

This is just one morning, Christmas morning! And you think that should change because a new partner comes along, take a step back and try to look at it logically and you will see you're being hysterical for no reason.
He's literally just going to share their Christmas morning with them opening presents, it shouldn't be a big deal for you in any way at all.

My ex nearly always came to mine for Christmas morning, I never invited his girlfriend at the time (even though we got on great), It genuinely didn't occur to me, and my ex never asked if she could come either. I think it would have ruined the vibe a bit for the kids if she was there because it wasn't a family kind of relationship with her.

She would normally come over later in the day for a little bit when my ex came back to collect the kids for a bit and we'd exchange gifts 😂

But later on in their relationship and after they split up my kids really started to notice and piece together the times when my ex put her before them, and they judged both him and her for it.

So if you're in this for the long haul like you think you're going to be, do you really, REALLY want his kids to remember when their dad stopped coming over for Christmas morning, they will almost certainly think it was because either he picked you over them or because you asked him to!

Dullardmullard · 21/12/2022 11:22

Presents are joint with your partner and his ex is that right? Why? I’d be bloody confused about that if I was one of their kids.

no other joint events ever just Christmas looks like your partner can’t let go but doesn’t have to do a lot of work for it and it feels all fake to be honest.

Also does her own partner leave when her ex is over doing the Christmas presents as that’s weird too more so if he lives there.

the dynamic sounds right off.

a cup of tea with the ex and partner is a normal thing to do whilst the kids open the gifts as it involves you both and yes it changes the dynamics of it but they are not together and kids are not daft.

I don’t think this is for the kids but the adults one or both want this and I’ll bet years later the kids are going to be like that was weird dads, girlfriend never being there or their mums boyfriend hiding in the bedroom or having to go out.

yes you can have a healthy relationship with exes but everything does change when new partners come along which are meant to involve the kids eventually together.

Wonderland19 · 21/12/2022 16:32

My partner doesn't spend Xmas with his ex and kid's, they split the day, so we've got them Xmas eve night and morning. But they do exchange gifts, they always chat about the kids and are good friend's. He will go over for birthdays and have cake, or go over for significant event's.

It took a little getting used to but ultimately, the kid's thrive, I've got a good relationship with them because I've not tried to come between them never said a bad word, and encourage the relationship. And I and her don't have issues. Do I always like it no, but do I accept it yes.

You'll damage all relationships involved if you tried to make demands. It's a few hour's for the kid's. We don't even spend Xmas together it's just a day and actually the day is for kid's.

Moser85 · 21/12/2022 17:30

Dullardmullard · 21/12/2022 11:22

Presents are joint with your partner and his ex is that right? Why? I’d be bloody confused about that if I was one of their kids.

no other joint events ever just Christmas looks like your partner can’t let go but doesn’t have to do a lot of work for it and it feels all fake to be honest.

Also does her own partner leave when her ex is over doing the Christmas presents as that’s weird too more so if he lives there.

the dynamic sounds right off.

a cup of tea with the ex and partner is a normal thing to do whilst the kids open the gifts as it involves you both and yes it changes the dynamics of it but they are not together and kids are not daft.

I don’t think this is for the kids but the adults one or both want this and I’ll bet years later the kids are going to be like that was weird dads, girlfriend never being there or their mums boyfriend hiding in the bedroom or having to go out.

yes you can have a healthy relationship with exes but everything does change when new partners come along which are meant to involve the kids eventually together.

Very common to have joint presents. It's normally for financial reasons or so that the kids have a big pile on the day. In my case I told my kids their dad contributed (he didn't) because I didn't want them to think he didn't bother to buy them anything.

Nothing about the dynamic sounds 'off'.
It's also not that normal for a cup of tea with the ex and partner while the kids open the gifts, I don't know anyone who does that but plenty who have the ex over for gift opening. That's far more normal and common.

Of course they'd find it weird if their mums boyfriend was hiding in the bedroom but they wouldn't find it weird that the girlfriend wasn't there, that's not one bit weird.

'Everything' doesn't have to change, most things do change, but it's very normal and common for co-parents to mostly do things separately but to spend parts of certain days together like Xmas and birthdays.

Dullardmullard · 21/12/2022 23:15

Moser85 · 21/12/2022 17:30

Very common to have joint presents. It's normally for financial reasons or so that the kids have a big pile on the day. In my case I told my kids their dad contributed (he didn't) because I didn't want them to think he didn't bother to buy them anything.

Nothing about the dynamic sounds 'off'.
It's also not that normal for a cup of tea with the ex and partner while the kids open the gifts, I don't know anyone who does that but plenty who have the ex over for gift opening. That's far more normal and common.

Of course they'd find it weird if their mums boyfriend was hiding in the bedroom but they wouldn't find it weird that the girlfriend wasn't there, that's not one bit weird.

'Everything' doesn't have to change, most things do change, but it's very normal and common for co-parents to mostly do things separately but to spend parts of certain days together like Xmas and birthdays.

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Joint presents from a split up mum and dad is bloody weird and off

oh and your doing a disservice to your kids by lying about who bought what. Their father couldn’t be arsed and they should know that in age related terms.

I did it for a few years and sod that cos when he decided to come back into their lives they gushed over the gifts he didn’t buy and he lapped it bloody up. Till one day he slipped up and I was the bad one not him. So no, split up parents don’t normally do joint gifts ever.

kids can handle the truth you know.

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 23:20

We do joint gifts. Have always done so. He contributes to the gifts and pays CM all year. Otherwise the kids would end up with too much. So we spend max £200 per child on main gift. If we did separate gifts I would still spend £200 and so would he. The kids would be bloody spoilt. They don’t need two x boxes, 2 bikes, 2 laptops. Etc. It’s just financially common sense for us.

Moser85 · 21/12/2022 23:25

@Dullardmullard
They know now, but at the time I had hoped he'd cop on and sort his life out. My kids have seen what he's like and are mature enough to not take it as personally as they might have when they were younger. They also really appreciate the way I handled things back then.

JFDIYOLO · 27/12/2022 16:40

It sounds Iike you have a decent guy there, who wants to be part of his children's life and whose ex doesn't want to keep him away from them. Getting involved with a man with a family and a sense of respnsibility and a conscience means you're going to have to share nicely. Trying or just wanting to minimise the time he spends with his family isn't good for any of you.

AubadeIsIt · 28/12/2022 20:31

JFDIYOLO · 27/12/2022 16:40

It sounds Iike you have a decent guy there, who wants to be part of his children's life and whose ex doesn't want to keep him away from them. Getting involved with a man with a family and a sense of respnsibility and a conscience means you're going to have to share nicely. Trying or just wanting to minimise the time he spends with his family isn't good for any of you.

I think the whole point is that OP wants to be a part of a family, not left at home while her partner returns to a family that ceased to exist when he divorced. If he's decent and serious about her, I don't understand why he doesn't make her a part of this tradition or why the kids don't open gifts at his place after opening gifts at mom's. Most kids are more than happy to have two sets of gifts even if it means their parents not spending Christmas morning together out of nostalgia.