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Original poster

Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

271 replies

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 07:59

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

OP posts:
Smearywindowsagain · 14/11/2022 10:19

People are very keen on here to be the cool gf/ wife. I wouldn’t stick with a boyfriend like this. Nope. He’s too involved with his ex. Selfish or not. He’d be welcome to spend his Christmas with his kids but he wouldn’t get to date me as well.

Seaweed42 · 14/11/2022 10:21

What kids like is consistency.
Sameness is safety.
They like to know what's happening.
By having this consistent pattern your DH and his Ex are supporting their kids and making sure Christmas stays the same each year.
Christmas is a Big Deal for kids and especially when parents separate, it's so important that they know who will be where and when.
There's fierce anxiety around Christmas for everyone.
Christmas is built up as being a wonderful 'happy' time, but unfortunately for some kids where there are two households they have to manage, it's worrying about Mum or Dad being 'upset' or themselves being upset.

You have your own traditions with your own children.
You don't have to face not having them sleep in your house on Christmas Eve.
Or not seeing them open the presents.
So I'm afraid you'll need to suck this up.

Original poster
HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 10:22

@Yorkmum17 yes I think I do feel left out. I think that if I was invited or it was acknowledged between them that things have moved on and there are also new partners who may wish to be involved then it would feel less excluded maybe.

my boyf / partner / significant other doesn’t want to upset the children. I get that. I’m not going to force change upon them but I wm entitled to my emotion on the subject and desire to understand how we blend.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 14/11/2022 10:23

Honestly I would be really worried about my relationship and the type of man I chose if he didn't want to spend Christmas with his DC. I think it shows he's a good man.

lunar1 · 14/11/2022 10:25

You are absolutely allowed your own feelings on this, all of us probably have feelings which are inherently selfish at times, I certainly do.

You are free to make your choices and if you don't want this for a relationship then you can make that decision for yourself and your DC.

Don't be the one to ask him to change this pattern and cast yourself in the role of wicked stepmother. He doesn't seem to want to change for you, so you need to make your decisions on that basis.

jonesy1999 · 14/11/2022 10:26

Sounds like him and the ex are putting their kids first and co-parenting well.

OP, please don't ruin that. You knew the set-up when you met him.

FallingsHowIFeel · 14/11/2022 10:27

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 10:22

@Yorkmum17 yes I think I do feel left out. I think that if I was invited or it was acknowledged between them that things have moved on and there are also new partners who may wish to be involved then it would feel less excluded maybe.

my boyf / partner / significant other doesn’t want to upset the children. I get that. I’m not going to force change upon them but I wm entitled to my emotion on the subject and desire to understand how we blend.

You keep saying you’re entitled to your emotion and you are. But it is an immature and selfish way of thinking and you would be much happier if you can change your thoughts around this.

Yorkmum17 · 14/11/2022 10:29

Then I would say speak to your other half and say that you would like to take the step forward and either invite them to yours for Christmas morning with there mum or for you to join him on the day and make a step in building a relationship with the family. He might have not asked as he is maybe unsure of your response and how you feel. Maybe explain to him you don't want him to miss out on his traditions but you would like to become a part of them as a family member. I hope you can find a happy solution to this. 💜

ShandaLear · 14/11/2022 10:33

My ex and I spend Christmas and birthdays with our kids, and our partners spend it with us too. If I had to choose it would be my kids every time.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/11/2022 10:33

Smearywindowsagain · Today 10:19
People are very keen on here to be the cool gf/ wife. I wouldn’t stick with a boyfriend like this. Nope. He’s too involved with his ex. Selfish or not. He’d be welcome to spend his Christmas with his kids but he wouldn’t get to date me as well.“

what utter tosh. He’s rightly involved with his children, not his ex. His gf naturally comes second to his children.
What sort of self-centred, petulant adult would begrudge kids Christmas morning with their dad?

SeasonaIVag · 14/11/2022 10:35

Your partner sounds like a keeper!
Not sure about you though…

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/11/2022 10:36

I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way. (my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)

Is there perhaps some envy going on there, OP? Perhaps also resentment that your own parents did not/would not have make this sort of amicable arrangement for the sake of the DC?

PinkSyCo · 14/11/2022 10:36

How lovely to read about a divorced couple who are putting their kids first. This is how it should be and, although I do understand your feelings OP, I think you are just going to have to grin and bear it until your boyfriend decides to do things differently.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/11/2022 10:38

Maybe I should say I’m coming along too with my children as that would be our future wouldn’t it.

You cant just say you're coming without asking. This isn't about you. Its about them spending Christmas with their kids

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/11/2022 10:39

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 09:09

No one has mentioned future about inviting me into this or is this not the done thing? or do people always do these traditions only with their first family?

I ask these questions as obvs I haven’t been here before.

I am allowed my own emotions without being branded selfish. I find that mean that many of you have labelled me. I have tried to be honest and explain something just makes me feel odd about it - maybe about not being part of it. Some of You rightly say that I knew what I was taking on with a man who has kids - yes you are correct! but equally when families separate they make a choice for themselves and that will never be ideal for the children and changes will occur.

i just wondered how others deal with similar

appreciate your replies. Go easy on me. I’m also a divorced mum navigating change.

Making it all about you, get over yourself OP, stop being so jealous and dependant on him. Why would you expect an invite? It's his children, you are clearly insecure and jealous. His kids will always come first.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/11/2022 10:46

jsku · 14/11/2022 09:42

I am divorced and sadly we don’t have an amicable relationship. But if we did - my kids would have loved it if both parents can be around for the main holidays. And my kids are of comparable ages to his.

So - we are being ‘mean’ by calling you selfish for taking away a father from his kids on Xmas morning (not even the whole day)….
Yet see insisting on being chosen over his kids as completely normal, just because these are ‘your feelings’.

What about the kids’ feelings and his?
This is the exact definition of the term selfish.

Why are you so so insecure and so in need to stake your claim over him? You can’t erase his past, and you have your own.

With attitude like this - how can you expect to be included in any sort of blended family?

You don’t want to be there at his kids Xmas tradition because you love those kids and want to share a special moment.
You want to be there because in your head it proves you have achieved a position of importance in his life. Pathetic, really.

You really need to grow up. You have a good guy there who is doing the right thing for his kids. So many men don’t.

If I were in his shoes - and my bf were making it so difficult to do what’s best for my children - I have no doubt what I’d chose. I can always get another bf. My kids’ place in my life isn’t negotiable.

Well said, exactly this!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/11/2022 10:56

Rockingcloggs · 14/11/2022 08:03

I think it's brilliant. Those kids are surrounded on Christmas morning by the people who love them and who they love the most. They're kids - why would you want to stop that?

She didn't say she wants to stop it. I think it's more of an unquantifiable feeling that she wanted to discuss.

TinaYouFatLard · 14/11/2022 11:02

Why aren’t you focusing on your own children on Christmas morning, rather than a boyfriend you don’t even live with. I cannot believe you would suggest dragging your own DC to your boyfriend’s house to spend d the morning with his ex and their children, all because of your immature jealousy.

crumpet · 14/11/2022 11:06

I think what they are doing sounds great. It is what I would have liked to achieve on my divorce (but ex didn’t want to), and it is 100% what the kids would prefer. You say the youngest is 10. In a few years Christmas won’t have the same significance for them as they get older.

grow up, accept Christmas is not about you, it’s about the children, and smile through it. No of course it’s not ideal, but in a “not ideal” situation, then it’s the children who should be prioritised.

if you are with this man forever then out of the next 40 years only the next 6 or so will be this way. But for the children it will be their entire childhood, which is a lovely thing to have achieved

MMmomDD · 14/11/2022 11:07

‘I’m not going to force change upon them’…

You already did. He already spends less time with the kids on Xmas and you are expecting him to stop their Xmas morning tradition with them.
Then you are suggesting forcing a blended Xmas on his kids - by dragging yours there.
Why?

If you want to share a life with him - do you not realise that life is long, and his kids will only be children for a short time. You have plenty of time for your other traditions and routines.

Best way to not be called selfish is to not behave in self-centred way and think of other people’s feelings, not just yours.

Velvetween · 14/11/2022 11:14

HollyIvy89 · 14/11/2022 10:22

@Yorkmum17 yes I think I do feel left out. I think that if I was invited or it was acknowledged between them that things have moved on and there are also new partners who may wish to be involved then it would feel less excluded maybe.

my boyf / partner / significant other doesn’t want to upset the children. I get that. I’m not going to force change upon them but I wm entitled to my emotion on the subject and desire to understand how we blend.

Lots of “wondering” and “assuming” from you OP. Have you tried writing down your thoughts and then articulating these into a conversation? Ask to be invited, as your family blends more over time, the kids may benefit from seeing all the adults in their lives getting together on? You need to start communicating instead of sitting alone with these thoughts and then being disappointed when your assumptions aren’t reflected in reality.

Unsurewheretogo · 14/11/2022 11:19

OP @HollyIvy89 i feel you are being unfairly criticised here.

Yes this man has children and they are his priority. That’s quite right.

However, he is a SEPARATED parent. Separated means there is an element of separation in his life. Not separated from his kids and it seems he is very much present in their lives which is great but separated from his ex. They aren’t together, the kids know they aren’t together so there is no need to continue this set up.

Different arrangements work for different people which I respect and perhaps if the children were really young I’d understand this arrangement more. But they are older, it’s not a new break up so imo there’s no need.

What is also worth considering is that this man CHOSE to get into a relationship with you. That’s a conscious choice to deem himself ready for a relationship alongside his responsibilities as a father. To be available emotionally to nurture a new relationship he needs to have cut ties with his ex….not his children. You’ve made it aware you are uncomfortable with this arrangement and have put up with it for a number of years so the question is why is he choosing to ignore your thoughts and feelings? That’s disrespectful in any partner, single dad or not.

People may say well what did you expect when you were dating a man with a child. Well you expected an involved, committed father with healthy boundaries. It seems this man’s boundaries are blurred

BigScreen · 14/11/2022 11:21

My DP spend 4/5 days with his children and ex wife over Christmas - staying at her house. One of the children are 18+ but it's a lovely tradition they have and had way before i came along. Obviously it means I don't see him at all over Christmas but that's okay because children come first.

His healthy relationship with his ex is one of the reasons I fell for him.

Unsurewheretogo · 14/11/2022 11:22

And OP, @AnneLovesGilbert explains it very well too. Read her post

Quitelikeit · 14/11/2022 11:28

Christmas is all about children and families

i am shocked that you would deny or like to deny these children time with their parents on what is arguably one of the most precious days of the year.

you are an adult why does it matter to you? Let these kids be happy and let your partner be the father he wants to be

I just can’t understand why you want to force him to not have this time together? Will that make him happy or love you more? Quite the opposite imo