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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 05/11/2022 16:07

Well if it walks like a duck....

RewildingAmbridge · 05/11/2022 16:07

What has she got to gain by lying to you?

YellowTreeHouse · 05/11/2022 16:08

What reason would she have for stirring?

Whoeveriam · 05/11/2022 16:09

I don’t understand why she would message you to stir things up ?

PicturesOfDogs · 05/11/2022 16:10

i mean, you do occasionally get mad psychos who want to break up innocent families, but I’d wager the amount of men who cheat and then lie about is is exponentially higher. Sorry OP.

FizzyFucker · 05/11/2022 16:11

What does your gut tell you?

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:12

Maybe it's someone he has upset or I have upset so they're drawing out personal detail to make it look like DH cheated.

I don't even know how to confront DH. He will say it's fake. Then what?

OP posts:
bigfamilygrowingupfast · 05/11/2022 16:12

The only way really is to ask him and then show him the messages if he says not.

I know people who've been on all sides of things like this - one friend contacted the wife after her husband had been messaging her, one friend had someone contact her, but then I also had a friend who had a completely random woman contact his fiancé to say they'd been having an affair but it was completely made up trolling.

You really have to just be up front and ask

rainbowandglitter · 05/11/2022 16:13

Why would someone take time out of their day to send a joke message like that though? What's the point?

Mollie5 · 05/11/2022 16:14

I would respond back asking for proof and then confront him.

Hollypups · 05/11/2022 16:15

Ask the date and time.
location.

Ask for their number to check it in his phone.

Ask for any other details.

Savoretti · 05/11/2022 16:16

Ask them where and when and see if the date/time works

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:16

FizzyFucker · 05/11/2022 16:11

What does your gut tell you?

To begin with I was angry that this woman was stirring and I told her in no uncertain terms to get lost. Now I'm having doubts .I was expecting everyone on here to tell me it's probably someone stirring.

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 05/11/2022 16:16

He probably did. Be ready to accept that it is true instead of grasping at straws for an excuse.

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 16:17

rainbowandglitter · 05/11/2022 16:13

Why would someone take time out of their day to send a joke message like that though? What's the point?

Some people are simply nasty and would think this funny.

I never told the women at work I was engaged (or that I got married) they just loved causing trouble for people. It was fun for them.

Colourmehappy26 · 05/11/2022 16:17

bigfamilygrowingupfast · 05/11/2022 16:12

The only way really is to ask him and then show him the messages if he says not.

I know people who've been on all sides of things like this - one friend contacted the wife after her husband had been messaging her, one friend had someone contact her, but then I also had a friend who had a completely random woman contact his fiancé to say they'd been having an affair but it was completely made up trolling.

You really have to just be up front and ask

If you ask him you’ll never know if it’s truth as he’ll be able to come up with explanations before you’ve even got any evidence.

Id ask her for proof - when, where, what specifics about the birth mark. Personally I’d have to know for sure.

Have you just accepted you’ll never know what the mysterious phone calls were about? Because it does kind of fit with her now messaging you. If it were my DP I’d not accept not knowing reason for secretive phone calls (unless it was near a birthday or something innocent)

Cw112 · 05/11/2022 16:20

I personally would be doing a bit of digging before confronting him. I never ever go through dh phone or personal belongings because I trust him and never normally advocate for that, but if I got a message like the one you got I'd want to know exactly what I'm dealing with before they have a chance to cover their tracks. You'll either find nothing in which case you'll need to speak to him and see what your gut instinct tells you, or you'll find something and can confront him with that and see how you want to move forward. Sorry op, but I'm with the pps who have asked what this woman has to gain by lying to you, it seems unlikely someone would be that randomly malicious. Not impossible but unlikely.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:20

Hollypups · 05/11/2022 16:15

Ask the date and time.
location.

Ask for their number to check it in his phone.

Ask for any other details.

DH works irregular hours and travels a lot in the day so the opportunity would deff be there. There's no set time when he leaves and returns to the house.

She has given me his phone number too so she deff knows him.

I'm gonna struggle to get much out of her now as I was really rude to her. She apologised and she won't reply now. She was actually quite polite in her online tone.

OP posts:
PicturesOfDogs · 05/11/2022 16:20

bigfamilygrowingupfast · 05/11/2022 16:12

The only way really is to ask him and then show him the messages if he says not.

I know people who've been on all sides of things like this - one friend contacted the wife after her husband had been messaging her, one friend had someone contact her, but then I also had a friend who had a completely random woman contact his fiancé to say they'd been having an affair but it was completely made up trolling.

You really have to just be up front and ask

He’ll just lie though, or minimise like he did with the mysterious phone calls, so it’ll achieve nothing other than letting him know OP is on to him, and to cover his tracks more carefully

Moonswing · 05/11/2022 16:20

Just to play devils advocate, way back when DH and I started dating I recieved a message from a girl saying he had cheated on me with her. Before I confronted him, I asked her a few questions to find out when/where this had happened. The date and place she gave me would have made it impossible for her to be telling the truth as he was with me at the time (and surrounding days, we were actually on a mini break at the time) After some further investigation, it turned out this girl was someone he had met on one of the dating apps prior to us dating and he had let her down on a date some many months prior. This girl had seen him posting online about his new relationship (me) and took it upon herself to try and mess things up for him. She later sent me an apology for lying and wished us well 🤣

My point being that in these circumstances it is very easy to jump to the 'he's guilty' or 'what would she gain from lying to you about it' conclusions, but that is not necessarily always the case. Some people do some very strange things if they have been hurt/upset/embarrassed by someone perhaps turning them down when they've hit on them etc.

Obviously that's just one perspective and there's also a very good chance what she is saying is true, but at this moment it would be his word against hers anyway.

Personally if it were me, I would casually throw the girls name into conversation and see how he reacts. For e.g. 'oh babe, forgot to mention I had a friend request from X the other day and I'm not sure if we know her from somewhere, do you recognise her name?'

OldWivesTale · 05/11/2022 16:21

Sorry, but it's more likely that she's telling the truth - especially in light of your previous suspicions.

Crazypaving22 · 05/11/2022 16:21

I'm so sorry I'd be surprised if it was someone stirring too. I'd ask her for more details, a timeline will help you place where and when it happened and if what she's saying is plausible.

misssunshine4040 · 05/11/2022 16:22

Mollie5 · 05/11/2022 16:14

I would respond back asking for proof and then confront him.

I agree, surely there must be some proof like screenshot text messages or something she can verify this with.
I would ask for that and see what she said next

middleofthelittle · 05/11/2022 16:23

The short answer is yes

My close friend had a similar situation. I would check who is blocked on your social media accounts. That's where she found the other woman. He had went on both their phones and blocked each other. Scheming git.

Bingobangodrinkacanoftango · 05/11/2022 16:28

Sounds like she would have little to gain. If she apologised after your rude reaction it seems like she wasn’t trying to stir up drama. If I were you I would apologise, explain you reacted in defence first and now you’ve had time to process you appreciate her reaching out and see if you can open up a dialogue again. Get specifics like dates and times before you confront your OH.