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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
Interviewnamechange · 05/11/2022 17:28

Honestly op, from somebody who is completely removed from the situation, it doesn’t look like it’s somebody stirring.

I know you are trying to look protect you and your family and looking for the least destructive reason for the messages but I think you are pulling the wool of your own eyes.

Don’t ask your husband, tell him that you know about it and who it’s with. Do not give him the option to deny it, he’s far more likely to admit to it of backed into a corner.

So sorry you are in this position.

MumOfOne55 · 05/11/2022 17:28

I also think you’re naive. Sorry - read your post again - it’s so obvious.

ScrambledOrPoached · 05/11/2022 17:29

Ask her for some kind of proof?

his phone number, messages, pictures, when and where - does it correspond with him being out late?

MilkyBarKid1 · 05/11/2022 17:29

Very few people would be arsed enough to do this because they'd been turned down.

Lochjeda · 05/11/2022 17:32

Well ask her exactly WHEN it was, date and time. Then look back and see if he was with you or if he had the opportunity. Ask where they met etc ask for other proof.

CarefreeMe · 05/11/2022 17:34

If this woman isn't stirring then she'd said you the texts.

I disagree.

When I found out that I was the OW I messaged the wife and told her but didn’t want to send ‘proof’ as tbh I didn’t want anymore to do with it.

I said I am just passing on what I know and what happened and it’s up to her whether she believes me or not.

I did not want the drama or have anything to do with the fall out from it, especially as they had DCs.

She was actually really nice about it and she was struggling having no proof as she doesn’t know me and I might be trying to stir things but also that she’d need proof to confront him.

She’d had a gut feeling for a while so I guess it wasn’t such a shock for her.

NerdyBird · 05/11/2022 17:36

Pretty common for the junior party to have to leave when a work affair is discovered. With the mysterious phone calls as well I'm inclined to believe her.

Aarohi · 05/11/2022 17:36

I'd get all the information you can from her and do any snooping you plan to before you confront him. If you think you might split up over this, consider getting prepared for that (e.g., if you want legal advice, to lock down bank accounts, etc.)

When you do speak with him, one possible tack is to surprise him, act as if you know the whole story and are giving him a chance to come clean. Use the information she gave you to ask a very general question: "Who is Maria?" "Tell me about Maria Smithers." "What happened that weekend you went to Bristol?" "Tell me EVERYTHING about the XYZ sales conference", etc. Watch his face. Keep watching while you let him talk. (This may not work if hes a good actor, but you probably have a sense of that.)

The random calls earlier are concerning because he started saying i was getting worked up over nothing; unless you were really over the top, it seems like he's trying to minimise. If it were a vengeful colleague or scorned would-be lover messing with completely blameless him, I'd think he'd be as concerned/annoyed as you.

On the off-chance that is it fake - could it be someone messing with you instead of him (after all, she can see your reaction, not his)? Or could it be some kind of loyalty test that HE set up for you?

MarigoldMoonStone · 05/11/2022 17:37

You definitely should of asked her more questions!! Between the message and the dodgy phone calls you would be seriously naive to assume it’s a prank

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2022 17:37

This is no prank, op, and you must know that. Don't live in denial.

strawberry2017 · 05/11/2022 17:38

Sadly I think it's true. I think you need to gather more information.

RainbowWheel · 05/11/2022 17:38

Do you know her name? If this happened to I'd say to my husband something like ‘Lucy contacted me but I think after X years together I deserve the respect of hearing it from my husband rather than a stranger’.

ReneBumsWombats · 05/11/2022 17:41

I expect she's probably telling the truth. How nice of her to grow a conscience about it now. In my experience, OW who tell the wife do it because they're not getting what they wanted out of the affair. We get a fair few threads on here from OW wanting to "do the right thing" after they're dumped.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 05/11/2022 17:41

I'd ask her for details and then check (discreetly) whether it could possibly be accurate, then go from there.

Guiltycat · 05/11/2022 17:42

Before you roll over and meekly accept that you can’t get anymore info, use the jump scare tactic.

Catch him out when you are in your own with him, after dinner or just gone up to bed. Tell him that ‘Maria’ sent you screenshots of the messages and you are giving him one chance to explain himself. Don’t back down.

I’m willing to bet that he will attempt to minimise what he thinks you know, but at least you will then know that he was messaging her.

stayathomegardener · 05/11/2022 17:44

Guiltycat · 05/11/2022 17:42

Before you roll over and meekly accept that you can’t get anymore info, use the jump scare tactic.

Catch him out when you are in your own with him, after dinner or just gone up to bed. Tell him that ‘Maria’ sent you screenshots of the messages and you are giving him one chance to explain himself. Don’t back down.

I’m willing to bet that he will attempt to minimise what he thinks you know, but at least you will then know that he was messaging her.

This!

Pompom2367 · 05/11/2022 17:44

Call his bluff op tell you have screenshots and photos

Specso · 05/11/2022 17:45

There’s a few reasons she may not want to send screen shots. Maybe she’s worried he might be even more furious with her for showing you such specific details when he’ll already likely be annoyed with her for telling you. Maybe she’s worried you might post them on social media in a rage or something to humiliate him which would then humiliate her if she’s mentioned by name (unlikely, but if you really went crazy on her she might think that and be scared to say more)

It’s the shady phone calls coupled with her message that really doesn’t look good. Although not impossible as others have said it does seem unlikely she’d invent all this and contact you directly.

He’ll likely deny it if confronted. I agree with a pp to maybe ask her if she’d be willing to meet you to show you the messages but make it clear you won’t scream and shout at her.

emptythelitterbox · 05/11/2022 17:45

This is the way to get the truth.

Unfortunately, work affairs are so common. With all the other shady stuff she's telling you the truth.

quietnightmare · 05/11/2022 17:47

Personally I would go through his phone and messages and photos and screenshots and emails and any other social media first in this situation
, get evidence from that OW AND Scare tactic 100 percent . Make it clear that you KNOW EVERYTHING and this is chance to explain and if he missis anything out you will be asking him to leave. And then if no purse go from there.

This is awful for you

Phantomb · 05/11/2022 17:47

She can send you the screenshots with her responses blacked out if she’s embarrassed about them.

I’d apologise again (not that I’d want to, she must have known was married if she worked with him) and say you really need the screenshots before you confront him as he’ll deny it and you need proof before you end your marriage (not that you do of course).

LorW · 05/11/2022 17:47

id ask her to send any proof that she’s comfortable sending, even if it means covering her messages and just showing his. I’m sorry OP, he’s been cheating, can’t see anyone would gain anything from this to be honest.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/11/2022 17:48

A joke? Are you all teenagers? Err, no - the likelihood of your husband being a cheat is far higher given the evidence, than the likelihood of someone stirring (why would they/what’s to gain?) If I was you I would do a bit more digging. If you ask him just now he’s just going to say no. Sorry op, but he’s a cheat.

BleuNoir · 05/11/2022 17:49

Yes grovel if you have to. Apologise and say you were shocked.

But you do really need to know and need to see his face on the pics

All sounds deeply suspicious to me

Marshmallowmountain · 05/11/2022 17:50

Sorry but I don’t believe she’d be doing this to stir. I would try to get as much out of her as possible

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