Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

[OhwhyOY]

@Newuser1987

He wouldn't believe me. He knows me too well. And by how calm he is I also think he knows this woman won't agree to meet up either.

@FlissyPaps my gut tells me that there is more than what he is telling me and he's lying about something. Can I really break up my family over a gut feeling though?

@Newuser1987 as others have said, it's more than a gut feeling - you could have broken up with him after the suspicious phone calls which would have been on a gut feeling but you didn't. You now have this other woman telling you what you already knew, something suspicious is going on. If you think he's lying to you then you need to seriously think about if you can live with that behaviour, whether he did have an affair with this woman or not. You don't need to leave permanently- go and stay with a friend or family with your kids for a few days and see how you feel.

[EekGoesTheBaby]

OP, this is so tough! I don't see how he could simply not remember someone who is obsessive. It doesn't ring true.

[Silvercurtains]

You don’t need proof to end the relationship or even take a break from your relationship. My ex husband completely denied he’d done anything. Made out like I was being crazy. I calmly told him I didn’t believe him and that I believed the other person who told me he was flirting/sexting/sending dick pics to a few young women he worked with. Six months after I ended the relationship a friend confided in me (she worked there too but hadn’t said a thing and I hadn’t seen her much lately) that he absolutely had been doing all those things but she hadn’t felt close enough to me at the time
to tell me about it. Three of the young women at his work were showing each other the messages he sent to them at the office Christmas party. I didn’t need the proof because I had known he was lying but I felt validated and he continued to deny he’d done it. He ruined our relationship with his repeated disrespectful behaviour towards me (and I’m not just talking about the cheating and gaslighting although that was reason enough) and he broke up our family even though I’m the one who said enough. Your husband has no respect for you. He’s obviously cheated. You don’t need proof. He’ll continue to disrespect and cheat on you again if you stay.

[MsDogLady]

Needy…Overly sensitive…Getting worked up over nothing…Drama queen again.

@Newuser1987, it sounds like he regularly uses manipulative language to shut you down when you question him or assert yourself. He knows how to make you feel small and doubt yourself. It’s a form of bullying.

You call your suspicion a ‘gut feeling’ and hesitate to take action, but the evidence carries much more weight and validity than that:

(1) A woman has come forward because, as she said, you deserve to know. She politely presented her information. She spoke truths re birthmark, dates and phone number.

(2) His responses and behavior are not those of an innocent man who is a victim of false allegations and whose wife is terribly unsettled. He immediately blocked transparency and distanced himself using dismissive tactics and the
name-shaming of you two women. He is blanking the whole episode instead of fiercely challenging this as a unjust violation.

Your H is not the faithful family man he portrays. He’s an adulterer who engages in physical and online cheating. He deletes the evidence. He is also a misogynist who uses manipulation to control the women he uses for his own gain, including you.

This recent OW defied his rules and contacted you. She may well have been the person who called months ago and was repeatedly ignored by H. Or, the mystery caller could be yet another OW. Whoever it was, he shut down your questions and was willing to upset you with an argument.

@Newuser1987, he’s making a mockery of you and the children. My advice is to send him away while you process your feelings and options. Access IC if you need that support to navigate this.

[Isthatarealname]

In my opinion, based on the evidence you have, he should be trying to prove his innocence not the other way round. I'd make him leave unless he can prove it didn't happen

[Happylady165]

My therapist always gave me a good way to measure rationally if I was being overly dramatic/ sensitive / whatever else he called you. If you imagine a garden full of 100 women. If they were all in your situation how many of them would react like you have? Judging by the replies on here I’d say your comments to him are justified and rational. I think a lot of us think your behaviour is normal. Don’t let him gaslight you.

[BigFatLiar]

@Isthatarealname

In my opinion, based on the evidence you have, he should be trying to prove his innocence not the other way round. I'd make him leave unless he can prove it didn't happen

It's very difficult to prove innocence unless there's a basic difference such as he simply wasn't there.

It may well be true but its really upto OP to believe him or her. I'd believe her but then it's not my life.

[Cw112]

I'm not sure you're going to get any more answers unfortunately op. The girl has asked to be left alone now and I can understand why and noone on here knows enough about the day to day of your relationship to really know for sure. But you do. If your gut is telling you that something is off then your gut is usually the best measure. You don't need to do anything drastic or immediate, you can ask for some space and time to process what's happening and he can stay elsewhere to give you that. Then it's up to you to decide whether you can live with this question mark or not. It's not an easy decision so it's reasonable to take your time with it. I'm so sorry you're in this position I'm sure your head is all over the place. Just take your time and remember that you do deserve good things. You deserve to trust your instinct. You deserve to be treated well.

[Rosscameasdoody]

@MilkyBarKid1

Tbh annoyed at the other woman, too. I've blown your life apart, fucked your husband, told you to appease my conscience/"coming to you as a woman" but don't contact me again. What a fucking idiot. I'd leave anyway, even if he hasn't cheated (doubtful) he doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings.

Why - isn’t it possible she didn’t know he was married until after the relationship had started ?

[ViolentDelightsxox]

You're trying to rationalise and justify his behaviour.
Why would a random woman message you to say she slept with your husband, and provide details of his body?
Youv'e got all the jigsaw pieces infront of you, but you're putting them together backwards.

[Hungrycaterpillarsmummy]

Jeez I just read the latest reply from the woman and I 100% believe her.
I know your going through turmoil here and how you are reacting is exactly how we would all react.
Your husband is lyingto you.dis you read my suggestion of getting his mobile phone records. You can get them by logging into his network provider login and there will be a way to find itemised phone bills -calls AND text. So if you know the dates she says they met up look for those days and see if there's a consistency with numbers text or called.
I guess this wouldn't work if he only used WhatsApp and that being clear is a red flag on itself.
But yeh I'd deffo try looking for phone bills. Ask him to log in and guage his reaction!

[MilkyBarKid1]

@Rosscameasdoody doubtful as they worked together, share mutual workmates, he probably has social media too and she managed to find his wife on instagram and message her about the affair a few months later. It's not like he was a rando on a night out or she found him on a singles app.

[PiedPipa]

@MilkyBarKid1 as I've mentioned in a previous post, despite working together, and other colleagues being aware of partners/relationship statuses- it can and does happen. It happened to me, and I had no idea for 6 months.
These men are often well-praticed in their deceit and manage to keep people in the dark. Never underestimate the lengths they'll go to.

[Cactusprick]

OP have you spoken to him again?

[mamabear715]

Probably not, @Cactusprick ..

[larkstar]

Apologies if this had already been mentioned.. Have you looked for other messaging apps such as Telegram and Signal?

[quietnightmare]

I would just say to him 'you have cheated in leaving' and do it if he doesn't stop you then you know the truth. If he does try and stop you just say' no you will not tell me the truth, atleast if I knew the truth we could work through it but you tiny so remember this family breaking up is all on you' and leave. Refuse then to talk about a relationship without the full truth

[SandyY2K]

I think you need to leave it now. You won't get the concrete evidence you want or a confession.

Act normal and stay alert. He'll be wondering what's going on.

Make time for yourself...indulge in self care and don't make him the be all and end all of your life. So things for yourself and be more than mum and wife.

[Chiccaletta]

@larkstar

Apologies if this had already been mentioned.. Have you looked for other messaging apps such as Telegram and Signal?

And an old-school check of his itemized phone bill?
After that, a private investigator is about £30 a hour, ring for quote and to see if they can dig up old records.

[Booklover3]

I think you know he’s guilty OP. Her behaviour makes perfect sense as to why she won’t send you messages etc… his behaviour does not make sense (to call you a drama Queen etc)… and if his behaviour doesn’t make sense then it means he’s lying.

[supercali77]

Posters finding it suss that she isn't sending screenshot or deleting messages. It is not suss, its self protection. I found out someone I had a thing with was in a LTR. I immediately told her. I sent proof. She then took that to him, he then began a campaign of harassment. he was seeing more women than just me, so the screenshots clarified it was me who spilled it. Then, he posted my intimate photos on a porn site with my phone number. It was a living hell with police involvement and his DP told me that maybe I shouldn't go round trying to break people up!

As an unwitting OW when you tell the DW you find that firstly as OP has done, they often turn on you, then they tell the DH exactly who you are and what you said. And then most times, between them they make your life shit.

Im not surprised shes started deleting if you've been rude. The woman tried to do you a favour and what she got was earache. It was the first sign that you're going to believe him and then between the 2 of you, you'll make out shes a psycho.

[MilkyBarKid1]

@supercali77 now it totally makes sense why she won't give any proof

[Chickenvoicesinmyhead]

Im not surprised shes started deleting if you've been rude. The woman tried to do you a favour and what she got was earache. It was the first sign that you're going to believe him and then between the 2 of you, you'll make out shes a psycho.

This from @supercali77 is bang on. (Sorry to hear of your awful experience.)

[ReneBumsWombats]

@Chiccaletta

And an old-school check of his itemized phone bill?
After that, a private investigator is about £30 a hour, ring for quote and to see if they can dig up old records.

How could a PI legally access someone else's phone records without their permission?

[Clickta]

I can't believe he called you a drama queen. He's 100% guilty.

An innocent person would react with emotion and be furious a lie had been told and they'd want to find out why and to prove themselves.

Your H has dismissed you and carried on as normal! Wow.