Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
Princesspeach31 · 05/11/2022 18:38

A similare thing happened to my sister - message from anonymous person on FB who claimed to be having a fling with her husband. Turns out it was an unhinged relative looking to break up my sister and her DH. That being said, it is equally as possible that he is actually having an affair

ICanHideButICantRun · 05/11/2022 18:38

I'm not sure what more evidence you need. Is it really likely that someone would write to you with all this? It sounds as though she's got cold feet now and you may well not get any more out of her. I would believe it, though.

Polecat07 · 05/11/2022 18:39

Think you're in denial OP

Lullabies2Paralyze · 05/11/2022 18:40

Someone did similar to my friend saying their friend had slept with her husband.

turned out it was just someone shit stirring coz unfortunately some people are that bored and petty (I think it was someone the SIL knew, friend and SIL don’t get on).

ProFannyTea · 05/11/2022 18:41

You need to get something specific from her that only someone he'd had sex with would know. And I don't mean the tattoo or birth mark. Anyone would know that. She's already given you a time and date that works out. She won't screenshot so just ask her the content. There are things you'll know that will confirm, for example personal things she may know about you that only he could have divulged. I'm sorry but I think you're being naive and fooling yourself if you think there's a perfectly plausible explanation for this. It's not every day women do this just because they were knocked back.

HLF · 05/11/2022 18:42

I agree with this:

“Just tell him “I know about X, start talking”. Don’t give him any context or information, just tell him to start talking.”

Try to sound very confident and as if you know more than you do. And see what he says.

I wouldn’t be happy at all about the past unanswered phone calls: that would be a big alarm bell for me. Unless it turned out he’d been planning a birthday surprise or something, any other reason can’t be good and shouldn’t be happening in a marriage.

Good luck whatever happens and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 05/11/2022 18:43

I had similar years ago when I was with my ex. Fb messages from an account set up just to message me.

Nothing as identifying as yours, they just said "watch your partner" and stuff like that.

He was indeed cheating on me.

JennyWI · 05/11/2022 18:45

My ex did this to me. Messaged the guy I was dating and told him I cheated ect. Had lots of details and a few current pics of me ( so likely stalking me). The guy I was dating figured it out pretty quick and took care of things

Minfilia · 05/11/2022 18:48

There’s no smoke without fire.

hippydyegirl · 05/11/2022 18:48

Hmm

auntfester22 · 05/11/2022 18:48

HLF · 05/11/2022 18:42

I agree with this:

“Just tell him “I know about X, start talking”. Don’t give him any context or information, just tell him to start talking.”

Try to sound very confident and as if you know more than you do. And see what he says.

I wouldn’t be happy at all about the past unanswered phone calls: that would be a big alarm bell for me. Unless it turned out he’d been planning a birthday surprise or something, any other reason can’t be good and shouldn’t be happening in a marriage.

Good luck whatever happens and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

This is the way to go. Call his bluff. Any sign of uncertainty from you and he will get defensive. You'll be able t to tell a lot from his initial reaction. Good luck.

MsDogLady · 05/11/2022 18:50

@Newuser1987, you are sabotaging yourself by not apologizing for your intense reaction and asking for his comments. Why won’t you even try?

You’re shutting down your mind to the possibility of his infidelity, and that is very foolish. You need to find the gumption to get to the bottom of this.

MsDogLady · 05/11/2022 18:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mirabai · 05/11/2022 18:57

Well imo there are far more cheaters than there are women likely to randomly invent it.

I can understand why she wanted to delete stuff. She gave you the heads up but she doesn’t want to be dragged into drama between you and your DH.

She’s done her duty. You can’t expect her give you more info now, particularly as you were so rude to her. It’s between you and DH going forward.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 18:58

UPDATE: I confronted DH. I said "I know about (woman's name) and I've seen messages you've sent her. Tell me everything or I swear I'll explode".

He was like "what? Who are you talking about?". And proceeded to act like he
had no clue what I was talking about. I think he knew I was calling his bluff.he knows me by now. He knows I would have just shown him everything if I had anything. Then told me I was being a drama queen again.

I then showed him her Instagram acc (not much to see as it's private). Then he said "oh her I used to work with her she's crazy and obsessive". Then told me to just block her.

So I'm now right where I knew I'd be. Him denying it and me being none the wiser.

This woman is also no longer responding now and says she no longer wants to be involved in the drama and she's said her peace and wishes me well.

OP posts:
LilyPond2 · 05/11/2022 18:58

JennyWI · 05/11/2022 18:45

My ex did this to me. Messaged the guy I was dating and told him I cheated ect. Had lots of details and a few current pics of me ( so likely stalking me). The guy I was dating figured it out pretty quick and took care of things

But the OP and her DH have been together long enough to have three children together. The DH has no recent exes unless he has been cheating. It seems extremely unlikely that an ex from years ago who has done nothing for years would suddenly pop up and start trying to wreck the DH's marriage.

NCforthis864 · 05/11/2022 18:59

I suspect she thought long and hard about getting in touch, then when you were arsey probably thought you are shooting the messager, so started deleting the messages.

MsCactus · 05/11/2022 19:01

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:16

To begin with I was angry that this woman was stirring and I told her in no uncertain terms to get lost. Now I'm having doubts .I was expecting everyone on here to tell me it's probably someone stirring.

Show quote history

She has nothing to gain from stirring - why on earth would she?

I've had quite a few married men come on to me/behave awfully, but I never tell their wives now because when I was younger I told one of their partners (as I knew her, thinking I'd want to know if it was me) and they were furious, her partner denied everything even though I had text evidence I could have shown them if I wanted to prove it. And evidence of me turning him down. I left it and decided - never again.

This woman is probably telling the truth.

HLF · 05/11/2022 19:01

Oh no so sorry to hear it went this way! I’m sorry to say but I still think his reaction sounds very strange. If my husband accused me of that and I was totally innocent I would be in a world of confusion and then really upset, then fuming at whoever was stirring trouble! Whereas your husband sounds like he dealt with it quite calmly and coldly which is a bit of a concern I think.

I really genuinely hope it’s nothing for the sake of you and your kids, but I would be very suspicious if this was me. And honestly it’s worse if he’s just gaslighting you as well.

In your heart of hearts do you believe he could cheat?

Seaweed42 · 05/11/2022 19:02

"Maybe it's someone he has upset or I have upset"
Well are you the type of people who have a lot of drama like this in your lives?
Like do you have relatives and friends that there is constant bickering and ill feeling with? Are you or him frequently in arguments and disputes with everyone around you?
If that is the sort of thing is normal for you and him, then maybe.
But if you are regular people without much drama then who knows.
If she's a work colleague who didn't get picked for the special training or your DH parked too close to her in the supermarket sending you this message is quite dramatic, no?

Herejustforthisone · 05/11/2022 19:03

He’s a liar, OP.

RandomMusings7 · 05/11/2022 19:05

Should have dug for evidence when you had the chance...

Now you've tipped him off, you are none the wiser and he's free to erase all evidence of a potential affair. You also blew it with the OW being nasty to her when she probably didn't even know he was married.

Not the smartest course of action if you ask me.

ivegotthisyeah · 05/11/2022 19:05

Send her a message saying sorry your story didn't stack up she if she bites

HLF · 05/11/2022 19:06

Something you could do is tell the girl that he called her crazy and obsessive and that might be enough to get her to give some more proof. Make sure you word it nicely though like you need her help and you’re massively confused and worried.

Do you know anyone else from his work who could maybe shed some light on all this?

Cw112 · 05/11/2022 19:07

I'd message her again, say he's denied everything and ask her if she can send you screenshots but redact the bits that are embarrassing for her so it can't come back to her. I'd go for a wee check up at the family planning/gum clinic op just for your own peace of mind, women rarely ever get symptoms of any issues. Surely if he was working with a crazy and obsessive colleague he'd have mentioned that to you before now, yet she's been polite and backed off immediately after talking to you. That doesn't really fit in my mind anyways.