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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 05/11/2022 16:29

I'm sure she wouldn't blame you for being "rude" - everyone is entitled to a shock reaction to stuff like that. It shouldn't stop you seeking more information from her.

Pixiedust1234 · 05/11/2022 16:32

Definitely find out more from her before talking to DH but quite honestly it sounds like he did cheat. Sorry.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:34

I've messaged her again but doesn't look like she's read it yet. Now that ive calmed down i can see she seemed polite and like she just wanted to give me the info and then not be involved further so I'll see if she comes back with much else.

DH work phone is at home and I've just checked that but there are no messages on there. Everything deleted.

OP posts:
Eloise38 · 05/11/2022 16:34

I think she's probably telling the truth too.

Naunet · 05/11/2022 16:35

Just reply to her and apologise, tell her you were shocked and had a knee jerk reaction. Ask her if she has proof as if you confront him, he can just say she’s lying.

MsDogLady · 05/11/2022 16:35

@Newuser1987, contact her and apologize for your rudeness. She will understand how shocked you were. She was reaching out to give you information, so I would listen to what she has to say.

Naunet · 05/11/2022 16:36

Sorry, cross post. Do you have her number? If so, put it into his phone and see if it brings anything up.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 05/11/2022 16:40

I think it’s a massive stretch to think that someone would go to those lengths to cause trouble sorry.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:40

Naunet · 05/11/2022 16:36

Sorry, cross post. Do you have her number? If so, put it into his phone and see if it brings anything up.

Not got her number and doubt she will give it to me given how rude I was. She did give me DH number tho to show she knows him. But lots of people have DH number so doesn't prove anything.

I feel like unless she has pics of her and my DH in bed together, DH will just say it's someone stirring and I will never know.can hardly leave him over a strangers messages. But don't know how to stay with him with doubts.

OP posts:
Mischance · 05/11/2022 16:41

then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I think the phrase "other than that" is not appropriate. The "that" is pretty damning really. I wish you lots of good luck in your discussion with your OH.

ExtraOnions · 05/11/2022 16:45

Find out times & places … see if anything adds up

Iusedtoplaytherecorder · 05/11/2022 16:46

DH work phone is at home and I've just checked that but there are no messages on there. Everything deleted.

Oh dear, that's not normal. You usually have a reason for deleting your messages & history. I've never deleted messages off any of my devices.

Sorry OP but it's not going in his favour here.

theculture · 05/11/2022 16:48

Are all messages deleted on your DHs work phone? Everything?

That's a bit off - surely there would be no reason to delete and good reasons to keep messages on his work phone??? If he had to remember appointments, follow up stuff?

Hmmm

Hope you are ok

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:52

She says she won't screenshot anything to me as its embarrassing for her. Going to assume x rated messages but she's given me a date and time. DH deff wasn't home at the time as he was working a night shift which involves driving round a bit.

I'm torn. On one hand all these details can easily be gained by a scorned colleague or a scorned friend. On the other hand would this woman really go to this extent to ruin my marriage. DH will deny it and it will be on me to decide what is the truth.

OP posts:
Naunet · 05/11/2022 16:53

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:40

Not got her number and doubt she will give it to me given how rude I was. She did give me DH number tho to show she knows him. But lots of people have DH number so doesn't prove anything.

I feel like unless she has pics of her and my DH in bed together, DH will just say it's someone stirring and I will never know.can hardly leave him over a strangers messages. But don't know how to stay with him with doubts.

Show quote history

She might have screenshots of messages between them that she can send. It’s worth a try - I hope she gets back to you.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:54

theculture · 05/11/2022 16:48

Are all messages deleted on your DHs work phone? Everything?

That's a bit off - surely there would be no reason to delete and good reasons to keep messages on his work phone??? If he had to remember appointments, follow up stuff?

Hmmm

Hope you are ok

Sorry I should have been more clear. His text messages are there. Boring work stuff.

But his whatsapp which he deff uses is all cleared.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 05/11/2022 16:55

I would quietly go through his phone. And bank records. And Google maps location history.

Confronting him will do nothing. He will lie and gaslight you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/11/2022 16:55

I’m so sorry
but he probably did

the % of this is way higher than someone making it up

look after yourself as it’s a horrible thing to find out

MsDogLady · 05/11/2022 16:55

Tell her that you have to make a huge decision, so you need to see something he wrote to her.

MadeForThis · 05/11/2022 16:58

Can you go on WhatsApp and restore his backup?

Softplayhooray · 05/11/2022 16:58

I'm really sorry OP it sounds like he cheated. No-one has random conversations about their birth mark so there's likely only one way she found out about it. And deleting all WhatsApp messages means he has something to hide. Maybe she'd consider meeting and just showing you some screenshots rather than sending them to you. Whatever way I just don't think any woman would put themselves willingly in the firing line of an angry upset wife on purpose - it's an awful miserable situation to be in. I think she wanted to help you.

Naunet · 05/11/2022 16:59

Bit odd that she doesn’t have any messages she’s comfortable showing you. I guess it’s possible she’s just very embarrassed and ashamed, but I’d push her a little (very nicely!) for something.

HotPenguin · 05/11/2022 16:59

I would check his Google map location for the time he was supposedly with her. Also could check his bank account in case he bought drinks in a bar or similar.

Deadringer · 05/11/2022 17:01

There are plenty of crazy, shit stirring women out there, but sadly they are far, far outnumbered by cheating husbands.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/11/2022 17:04

My dd got a handwritten note telling her her dp was cheating with multiple people.. He fessed up straight away. They were mid ivf. And her bff knew and didn't tell her..