Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

Why does that mean hes gay? Bi maybe or he finds being submisisve sexy as he has a stresfull job(its not that uncommon) ans nor is falling sex drive later in life depending in age /health.

Can you talk to him about it? Try different things? See a therapist tigether? Has it always been this way?

Im bi (f) and my currnet partner is also bi too (m) but it has zero impact on our sex life or faithfulness to each other.

Oh poor you op. Just putting it out there, what's stopping you broaching the issue with him tactfully?
Before you jump to conclusions...

He seems to like to be submissive.
And maybe bi curious.
And a lowish sex drive.

But I'm not picking up gay vibes.

A man who likes to be dominated by a woman isn’t usually gay. Was it always like that?

A bi sexual man can have a monogamous loving relationship with a woman. Could you accept him telling you he’s bi sexual?

The issue is your point 1. “I feel so lonely and unloved “
If you want to salvage your relationship, talk to him, tell him what you need. Couples therapy would be useful.

The shemale/strap on thing can be more about wanting to be dominated rather than being gay. What does your gut tell you? Does he just enjoy being dominated sexually or does he prefer men? Sometimes chickswithdicks can be easier for a man to cope with than full on gay porn because it still looks like a female, so he can fool himself it's not really attraction to men.

Thank you both. I have asked him if he’s gay in the past. For example when we have sex he likes me to talk about other men taking him - or him being submissive to other men.

He said he’s not gay to me. I’ve then asked him why he enjoyed me using a strap on him. I had to stop it was too much for me to do.

I just want to be loved and I’m so lonely.

we are not old. It’s been going on a long time sex once a month at my instigation.

I’ve asked him if he masturbates a lot or uses porn a lot and he’s said no.

I’ve never checked his phone.

to the outside world we have it all but I am lacking and deeply unhappy.

Eugh that would be a massive turn off for me.

He wants you to anally penetrate him with a dildo? And wants to ALWAYS be submissive? Yup, he's gay. Sorry to those who think I'm stereotyping, but that's absolutely not "normal" for a straight guy, stressful job or not.

Sorry OP, but even if he's straight, if the sex isn't doing it for you, I can't see how the relationship can last.

We got together at university and in our early 40s now. He said before me he had struggled to get erections with condoms (we use condoms now and it’s fine I don’t see the point in being on the pill when we do it once a month). He’s also said when he’s not stressed and on the very occasional time it’s just me and him (eg a friend’s wedding and we’re in a hotel) then he wants to have sex.

i think if we could get away together no kids that would help.

Is this a joke?

He asks you to role play about gay sex and you have to ask if he's gay?!

There's a big wide world out there. You don't have to spend your life in a fake relationship. Time to move on I think. No wonder you're lonely.

It’s lasted over 20 years already. We no longer use the dildo or strap on that was for a few months in our early 20s

You sound unhappy regardless of his sexual orientation. I think it possible a straight man could be as you describe him, fwiw, but maybe he's just not the one for you. You're sexually incompatible at the very least.

So the context of me talking dirty to him comes into the submission piece so it might be he would want to watch me have sex with another man (the submission) then the guy finish on him.

I know I feel a total utter tool writing this. I seriously feel like just ending it all today. I’m teetering on the edge.

Being gay is about who you are attracted to and aroused by, not a specific sex act. Some women like anal penetration.

Ok, him constantly fantasising to you about men during sex is not on, that’s insulting and if you’re not enjoying that it’ll destroy your self esteem.

It sounds as though you’ve reached breaking point in your marriage.

I don't think a man being penetrated by a dildo makes him gay in the same way that I don't think lesbians who use dildos are straight. It's just a sex toy. Men do have a prostate, it's simple. Me and DH use strap-ons, but I guess the difference is that he only enjoys being submissive when I use the strap-on, otherwise he can also be very dominant when we have "normal" sex. I also sexually enjoy being dominant with the strap, it makes me feel very powerful.

Me and DH both enjoy Tgirl porn and feel fine with eachother having sex with one. I wouldn't want him to have sex with another woman and he wouldn't want me to have sex with a man. But, somehow, we both agree that Tgirls are an exception and it works for us as a fantasy.

If you're not into it, you're not into it. It doesn't seem like you are well-suited sexually. It's not working for you.

It could be a fetish rather then him being gay, but either way it adds up to an unfulfilling sex life for you.

Doesn't sound gay based on what you've said. Doubtful even bi, but possible. Clearly submissive to distraction though. Thats always going to get draining for the other person.

AGREE.

"when we have sex he likes me to talk about other men taking him - or him being submissive to other men."

He's gay.

He has told me explicitly he’s not Gay. Thanks to you all for your input I’m just really sad. I think I just want to feel loved during sex or made love to. We have maybe once or twice made love. But the rest of the time it’s the same pattern. He likes me to tell him what to do to me. He rarely takes charge. He never instigates sex. I feel if I pushed him to do it more often he probably would just he would never start/drive it.

Also - if you suspect your husband or boyfriend is gay, he is.

Just because someone tells you explicitly they are not gay, it does not mean that they are not...
Especially when their actions say otherwise.

I think he's gay. At any rate, you are very unhappy and you are not having your emotional and sexual needs met.

I think you should go your separate ways and try to find happiness in other relationships

None of the details really matter, do they? You're not happy. Your relationship doesn't make you feel loved, fulfilled or wanted. You should have ended it years ago so that both of you can find real happiness.

It would be a huge financial and devastating impact on my children and our lives if we went out separate ways. I also think he is a covert narcissist and would make it all very very difficult.

Do you think your children aren't aware how unhappy you are with your marriage? They are.