Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

be very aware that you will meet resistance from your husband because he has his own agenda

what I’m missing is an emotional, intimate connection and I want to get that through sex and in our daily lives. I know no dinner out or weekend away can paper over the chasms.

Not simply 'resistance', but he will actively work against you to keep his status quo. Right now, he gets his kinks met with very little trouble on his part. He knows that if you continue therapy you may very well decide that pandering to them is just not worth it to you for the little satisfaction you get in return. And he knows that it would be difficult to find someone to pander to him if you should leave. And when I say 'satisfaction', I'm not talking about having an orgasm. I'm talking about the feeling of being cherished and valued that comes after 'making love'. And we all know the mental and emotional difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'.

There are lots of dynamics I’m working on but mainly building back my self worth, stopping the negative talk to myself, I’m learning how to be me and it’s all taking time.

It's very scary, isn't it? It's a fear of losing oneself because that person is all we know and and equal fear of finding oneself and then not liking what we find. It takes real courage and I applaud you for taking this journey. It can be a lonely one.

But I do urge you to remember that you can only change yourself, you'll never change him no matter how strong within yourself you become.

Thank you. I think I am probably going to go through the pain of trying to change him. I’ve already touched on today how I want him to make more of an effort towards me. But that’s not going to change is it. We’ll go weeks without doing anything and I’ll be worn down, craving affection so I’ll take whatever he offers.

I don’t even think it’s something he realises he’s doing.

Do you have a very clear idea in your own head of what showing affection means, @IsHeGay2023? Because I don’t think it does mean exactly the same thing to everyone and I don’t think there is only one way of showing it. Some people will happily go without being shown particular types of affection, or might even shy away from them, but be unable to cope without others.

Does your dh agree that he doesn’t really show you love or affection? Have you tried writing down the ways in which you think you show love and affection to your dh and asked him to do the same for you? And then told him how you would like love and affection to be shown to you, and asked him to do the same for you? It might be interesting to see how differently you each interpret the notions of “love” and “affection,” and how you would each describe the other’s acts of love and affection, if you do not interpret them in the same way as each other, or attach a different level of importance to them.

This is an incredibly valid point as he’s often said to me I push him away. And I didn’t realise I did. I know it’s not all one sided.

No, that's not going to change. You have to remember that you're dealing with the way he is 'wired'. What satisfies you simply doesn't satisfy him, and never will. And he sees it as just as much a 'chore' for him as you feel doing his 'kink' is a chore for you. You do his kink and you are left feeling empty and sad. He 'foregoes' his kink and does things 'your way' and he's left dissatisfied. Kinda sounds to me like a lose/lose situation.

But why should either of you have to do something you find 'unsatisfying' or demeaning? And why should anyone have to 'pay' for their sexual pleasure by doing things they really don't want to do?

I'm not sure what you mean by your last statement. Of course he realizes what he's doing. I'm assuming he's of average intelligence and you've told him more than once that you're not satisfied with your sex life as it is. He's just ignoring you. He can get his satisfaction wanking to his fetish porn so he can safely ignore your needs. Especially since he knows that at some point you'll give in to what he wants because you are craving affection. How cruel that is! And then the whole cycle begins again.

Of course, this is easy for me to say. I'm not the one living it. And you will have to come to your own realizations and your own truth in your own time. I just worry about the amount of damage he's continuing to inflict on your psyche in the meantime.

OP, you need to really listen to what @AcrossthePond55 has just said. Seriously.

Of course you are angry and feel unloved because it's all about what he wants and obviously you have had discussions as he's been able to tell you what he likes and you made it clear you didn't like the strap on thing. Youre angry because he knows that youre unhappy but he won't make any effort at all and you feel like he's not attracted to you because he won't make any effort and that's leading you to be hurt and your mind to be looking for possible reasons and the strap on and the wanting to be dominated everytime is not necessarily anything to do with being gay, but when you're unhappy and feeling unloved like you are then you're desperately seeking answers and have focused a little on this because you can't get what reassurance you need xxc

Thank you for all this. I promise I’m listening.

Love, you don't need to promise me anything. My words and 'advice', for what it's worth, are offered freely and with no expectations that you'll do anything with it.

I just figure we're all members of the 'Universal Sisterhood of Common Experiences' and we do what we can for each other. I offer my life experience to you, and someday you'll do the same for someone else.

That's cuckloading, not being gay. It's a common fantasy but of course this might not be your fantasy.

i don’t think there isn’t ‘changing’ anyone. However - with time and effort - people can moderate and change the way they behave in a relationship.

It seems there are two parallel issues in your marriage. One is how he is in real life with you - lack of affection, empathy, etc
And the other how your sex life has been.

The former - if he is willing - he should be able to moderate and be more attuned to you. If he just isn’t empathetic - he can still learn to ask you more and listen, and offer a shoulder or a hug. Even if he personally doesn’t need it. I think that alone would make a huge difference to you.

As to sex - he can’t change his strong preference for being highly submissive. But - there are degrees of what works for him, including sex close to vanilla with only some elements of submissiveness and no humiliation. Maybe as a start you can try to having it more that way. And limiting the more extreme stuff to once a week/month/whatever frequency works for you.
It does sound that part of you is actually on with being dominant, at least at times. Although you also seems to feel bad about it - and you really shouldn’t.

(And, that is a btw - from my limited understanding of D/s relationships from a friend who is submissive. She says that the level of trust required to give someone such control over you is immense. And it is a deeply intimate experience for the submissive person. So - for your H - you feeling of disconnect and loneliness sexually would probably be quite shocking.
From his side - he must feel very closely bonded to you to be that vulnerable sexually)

Perhaps with the help of therapy, you are coming out of being the vulnerable girl you were 20 years ago. You are at a time in life when most people start assessing how life has gone, and where its going to.
Add in a touch of experience and being more wise in general, now you are realising where you've missed out over time.
Sounds like you are going through a period of asessment and change. You seem to have a choice whether to still instigate sex monthly or not. If you chose not to, do you get a sense he wouldn't bat an eyelid? Perhaps not engaging with his kinks for a while would give you a break and help you to see the flaws of it more, detach a bit more. Things you detach from, hurt less over time, that's not to say you have to separate now, just find your own space. Maybe in the future, when the time is right for you and your family, you will find it much easier if you've managed to disengage over time previously.

Thank you we are talking about bits and pieces, of course for him it’s kind of come out of no where. We met so young. He said he never really had much sex before me, it all sounds very young/fumbly. Last night he did turn towards me and kissed me. He said he would work on changes. When I suggested that’s the way you’re wired he said but I can try to make changes.

I am dominant in daily life cos his work is so stressful he is genuinely struggling with headspace/thinking outside it at the moment.

i think my control issues have come from my childhood - I picked up ‘adult’ tasks from an early age because of the lack of language skills and inability to write or read well in my family. dad’s alcoholism. His early death. I was booking medical appointments from the age of 10. Researching insurances etc for the house. Cooking, cleaning - supporting with my younger siblings - babysitting while mum did 2-3 jobs as Dad lost his due to drinking.

How are you feeling now @IsHeGay2023 ?

Im so very sad to read this. You have had to be the decision maker all your life.