Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

Bless you.

I’ve already said he could be bi curious or bi sexual. But having a kink for she-males doesn’t make him gay. Sexuality is complicated.

@Itsabitnotcold old · Today 21:29

It doesn't sound like he's gay to me at all. It sounds like he has a stressful job, probably where he's the boss and has to manage people. And sex is an escapism for him where he doesn't want to be the boss, he wants to let go, being the submissive party is relaxing

Really...have you read all this.

For example when we have sex he likes me to talk about other men taking him - or him being submissive to other men.

So the context of me talking dirty to him comes into the submission piece so it might be he would want to watch me have sex with another man (the submission) then the guy finish on him.

Other men taking him is part of the submissive dirty talking he likes

If anybody doesn’t think these points don't lean to him being gay or bisexual ... then I dunt know what to say.

Heterosexual males do no want another man ejaculating on them.

I think given the opportunity, he would take the role of a sissy cuckold, enjoying being dominated and humiliated by the bull... there's a lot more, but it's a bit graphic to go into here.

Some women have rape fantasies, doesn't mean they actually want to be raped.

They have them about men, if they're hetero.

Just like hetero men have domination/submission fantasies about women, if they're hetero.

Thanks @elephantseal . I am unlocking/un-picking two decades of our relationship. And I know I deserve to be happy . Of course this isn’t all he is which is why I’m so torn.

*If anybody doesn’t think these points don't lean to him being gay or bisexual ... then I dunt know what to say.

I think given the opportunity, he would take the role of a sissy cuckold, enjoying being dominated and humiliated by the bull... there's a lot more, but it's a bit graphic to go into here.*

100 per cent.

For some bizarre reason on here there are always dozens of posters denying that gay or bi behaviour in men is not gay or bi, and has nothing to do with their heterosexuality. They insist on gas lighting and dismissing distressed women with gay or bi partners. Why, I'm not quite sure.

I did read it again you are right
but lets be honest, the times OP has initiated sex doesnt even count if hes fantasizing about other men..
If she feels likes shes only been satisfied 3 times in 20years ..

Regardless of his sexuality, the relationship isn't happy, you're not feeling emotionally or physically fulfilled and you both want different things from your intimate life.
You deserve better and focusing on his sexuality isn't going to change the state of the relationship.

Back in the real world without these rigid delineations - sexuality is a spectrum.

People can have fantasies that are not turn ons for them in real life.

*has nothing to do with their sexuality

@SandyY2K honestly, you are good to respond, because I was just as shocked as you by that "stressful job" BS.

Like it was said earlier, a lot of women here are male-identified and will just say anything.

Absolutely ridiculous. The shit some women delude themselves with.

It's not that much of a spectrum.

*People can have fantasies that are not turn ons for them in real life.

Oh absolutely, but they generally align with their sexuality.

Could explain it. Like I say - just presenting an alternative to he's gay.

If you want to stay in the marriage but you need the sex to change - I would probably suggest you seek out some proper guidance/counselling. Or at least do some reading and research.

Like I say - he's not actually changed. You've changed.

But that's ok. You're allowed to change. At any point you're entitled to say this doesn't work for me anymore, especially when it comes to sex. But now you need him to make the leap with you and how you start that dialogue is crucial.

I couldn't imagine my DH coming home to me and saying - I need you to be a dominatrix after 20yrs of him being the dominate partner in bed. It would be so far out of my comfort zone that he would need to address that carefully with me and I'd need to explore it very slowly and ultimately I might not be able to do it. But I do value my marriage - so I guess I'd have to listen and try.

And I think that's what you need your husband to do too. How you get there needs to be handled with care and if you can't get there, then you need to be consider that you might need to leave the marriage.

But I do think it's crucial that you accept the role you've played because otherwise you will come at him from a place of resentment and anger and blame. He showed you who he was when you were dating (from what I can tell) you're now the person rejecting that side of him. That's not his fault.

But it's also not your fault if you need things to change now.

I know you're hurting because you've probably been going along with this for far longer than you were ever comfortable with and it might hurt even more if he can't change for you. But just try and come at it from a place where you take responsibility for how your sex life has developed, so that when you approach the conversation it's from a place of 'I need a change' not 'you need to change'.

I hope that helps and makes sense xx

And fwiw research suggests male sexuality actually is very rigid, no pun intended.

They respond to a much lower number and variety of stimuli than women and tend to be set within "grooves" of sexuality in a more limited and narrow way.

Speak for yourself. You seem to have very rigid, black and white ideas.

Would it be wrong of me to ask I only want responses from women who were born as women. I don’t want responses from men who now identify as female. I want it from women who identified as female at birth.

yes he has quite a list. It could go on. I don’t want to add fuel to it all. I’ve had some amazing advice.

i feel like I’m entering a period of grieving like grieving for what could have been. I keep saying I’m very tired but therapy does exhaust me.

Glad im not the only one seeing it because i feel gaslit and im not even OP..
If a man desires sex with another man hes at least bisexual
Theres nothing curious about it hes 40 years old he knows what he wants and has been lying about it
Hes like philip schofield

Well have to agree to differ on that.

And everything else.

100% @Thir i have to take responsibility for going along with it all. At times even enjoying it. I can’t say it was always unfulfilling. I just need some love now, nurturing, I need someone to take care of me.

What if he is gay? What will you do?
What does he say when you tell him what you want in bed?

I think you're confusing the term "male-identified" that was used earlier with trans.

A male-identified woman is a woman who blames and defends problematic men and blames women for men's wrongdoings and behaviours.

So when the other person said "a lot of women here are male-identified", that's what she meant.

My ex husband is gay. He knew he was gay when we married and never stopped having sex with men throughout, except for the week we were on our honeymoon, it turns out…

In hindsight there were red flags but not much that really matches what you are experiencing.

Except for the narcissism…. Ouch, it just keeps stinging, several years down the line, it shows no sign of easing :(

This can be quite typical of men who keep a massive secret like this. Not the ones who have no idea but the ones who know, who intentionally deceive and lie.

If there’s hope, would you try a sex therapist together?

I've seen loads of this on here.

It's cruel.

I'm not quite sure what the motivation is behind it.

Any identification of men as likely to be gay or bi is raged against as kink shaming etc.