Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

Finances can be un-entwined. People don't all the fucking time, because they finally realise that being happy and living truthfully is much more important than keeping up some facade that benefits no one.

Jesus Op, it's not my OH is it? Found out he was bi after 20 years (and many, many lies and gas lighting) and as other things have come out I've gradually realised that he ticks all the boxes for a covert narc. Can't leave due to SEN kids, I have stopped sex completely as he cannot be trusted for a second, he has no boundaries and no remorse, but it's very important to him to look like the good guy. The more I want rid of him the more desperate he is to stay. It's all a huge mess that I had no idea about for 20 years, thought we were normal, happy, everyone likes him etc.

I know. Rampant homophobia on MN tonight...

@ProFannyTea

He clearly wants to be with men, OP literally said he asks her to talk about men taking him. Everyone choosing to ignore this and focusing on everything else.

Stating a man is gay is not homophobic.

I have asked him if he’s gay in the past. For example when we have sex he likes me to talk about other men taking him - or him being submissive to other men.

This would certainly lead me to believe he has an interest in men sexually.

www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2020/5/15/im-a-straight-man-who-fantasizes-about-other-men-is-that-normal/ this is pretty much the same situation as OP, interestingly

Ignoring the fact that asks his wife to talk about other men taking him.

If that's not clear to you that he is gay, then more fool you.

@Quirkyme

Stating a man is gay is not homophobic.

Thanks for saying this. I hate it when these kind of threads come and people jump to say homophobia.

Being gay is what makes people gay 😡

Fucking bigoted piece of shit posts all over this thread.

Some men like this because they spend so much time driving abd directing other people.

I've heard execs, lawyers, judges are likely to enjoy dominatrix.

Talk to him. It sounds like your sex life is all about him, so no wonder you feel unloved and unhappy. Sending a hug x

Other men taking him is part of the submissive dirty talking he likes.

i will talk to him I know. My therapist has not said he’s gay but like I said we have touched on it and she is not psychoanalysing him she is focussing on me and my happiness. I will find a way with her through this, I am just very on edge and deeply sad.

if I wanted sex tonight I know I could give it a start but it always finishes with me talking dirty to him and being dominant - well it starts and finishes that way.

Instead of being gay, or bi or anything else - is it possible he was sexually abused as a child, or had some other emotional or physical trauma?

Does he watch loads of porn OP? It would drive me nuts if someone wanted dirty talk all the time.

He’s not told me of any sexual trauma as a child. I have told him I was sexually assaulted as a child. Only on one occasion. I was also orally raped at Uni before I met him.

Perhaps the bottom line is that you and your dh are not sexually compatible.

He has said he now does not watch porn.

I feel like you and most people answering this post are missing the point.

It doesn't matter if he's gay, straight or bi. Doesn't matter if he's submissive.

You're both unhappy in this marriage. You're pressuring him into sex. He's then pressuring you into kinks you're clearly uncomfortable with.

It's a toxic situation. You need to have an adult conversation about whether you can get past this. Probably therapy, as well. If not, you need to break up.

I’m not pressuring him into sex. It’s part of what he wants it’s me starting it - it’s part of the psychology with him he can’t start it because he is submissive

No sex for 20 years????
Hes either getting it elsewhere or hes gay, its that simple

No straight man wants another man to cum on him,
straight men do not say that they want to be "taken" by another man, thats an admission that hes into men

And no straight man ive been with has ever wanted to be penetrated in the bum, that is emulating gay sex

Look on his phone history hes probably on grindr

Leave him OP he wil never admit it
You deserve to have a healthy sex life with another heterosexual man

It does matter if he is gay? Because then wouldn’t help me understand why our sex is like this?

We have had sex in 20 years - it’s always been like this early days more often now only once a month

i don’t have his code to look at this phone

Eugh - because he's expecting his wife to constantly be dominant even though that's not her thing.

Eugh - because he wanted her to use a strap on when that's clearly not her thing. He should have known that. Most straight women (unless people just don't talk about it?) don't want to penetrate their husbands with strap ons.

Eugh - because he talks about having sex with other men, all while denying being anything other than straight. I'm sorry, but that really isn't common for straight people.

Eugh - because he's not being honest about such an intimate part of their shared lives.

She wants equal, loving sex yet he sounds completely unwilling to adapt to what she wants. He wants what he wants and that's all she gets.

I can't believe how many people are saying him wanting to receive anal sex and fantasising about man on man is nothing to do with being gay. It'll come out in the end OP.

Op, is it that he is into cuckolding. That often comes from a submissive place and wouldn’t mean he is gay. There is some interesting threads about it on the sex threads.
I hope you can work this out and become happy xx

Im sorry but what???
It does absolutely matter if the husband is gay because OP was under the impression she married straight male
What would be the point of getting married to someone who is not sexually compatible

And shes not pressuring him shes been extremely patient for 20 years ! I would have left after the first year of zero sex
In a marriage sexual intimacy is part of the package, having sex is a basic human need