Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I’m not being obtuse here, but what is a she-male? A woman dressing as a man, or a trans female to male?

Usually trans.

But with no genital surgery.

So breast implants but full male genitalia.

Style, groomed and dressed as a "female".

Their genitals flapping while having (anal, obviously) sex make for a very different appearance than a woman having sex ..... Which always makes me wonder how it can be portrayed by some as a hetero fetish. To me, it isn't.

No love that's not sex. He's wanking every single time. So sorry that you are in this position it would break my heart too

Oh sorry, you said trans female to male.

No, it's male to female, but usually with no genital surgery.

his mother in law is very very domineering. His father doesn’t do anything without his mum’s permission. Literally nothing and she gets so so cross if he does anything for himself. I actually think my FIL is unintentionally in an abusive relationship. My MIL is definitely financially abusive too to my FIL

It doesn't sound like he's gay to me at all. It sounds like he has a stressful job, probably where he's the boss and has to manage people. And sex is an escapism for him where he doesn't want to be the boss, he wants to let go, being the submissive party is relaxing in a way I can't quite explain, you don't have to think at all. The strap on and involving men, to me, just sounds like an extension of that, does he like things like spanking and whiping aswell (you don't have to answer that) it just pushed your limits and you get a high. Like going to a haunted house or bungee jumping.

i mean we’ve made love 3 times in 20 years the rest of the sex is the sex he enjoys

Sorry, you’re the one who needs to read it again. She says they have sex once a month/two months if she instigates. When they have sex he likes her to have control. They have ‘made love’ perhaps twice in 20 years.

Yeah hetero men who want to be submissive are submissice to women and to fantasies of women.

Not to fantasies of men.

Yes he likes to be spanked. This is awful to say but he has asked me to wee on him in the past and I have. God I can’t believe I’m typing this.

His mother sorry my MIL. Sorry I’m actually so very very tired.

Xpost with OP.

His parents dynamic is interesting - he’s sort of acting it out in bed.

Oh, sweetheart. You deserve to have a rewarding sex life. It doesn't all have to be your h's way.

You either need to talk to him and find out why he likes sex like this - have an honest conversation - or leave him so you can strike out on your own and meet a man who will want to have normal sex. Because this isn't normal - at all.

You deserve better.

Is my GF lesbian?

Topic gets removed.

An hour later....

......is my husband Gay?

OP it sounds like he has a tonne of kinks that you just aren't into and you're sexualkh incompatible, regardless of whether he is gay or not. Sounds awful and I don't think by the sounds of things you'll be able to fix this.

Whatever he is or likes, it doesn’t sound like you are compatible in bed and it’s deciding whether you want that for the rest of your life.

You shouldn’t be doing anything you’re sexually not comfortable with, nobody should.

However. It sounds like he’s been clear about his kinks since you met? Doesn’t sound like his desires are a new thing? If you weren’t into it when you were dating at uni or in your early 20s, why on earth marry him? It sounds like you’ve been going along with it until now and are only just feeling able to say you don’t like it. That of course doesn’t mean you should carry on, you obviously need to do something about this, but I don’t think focusing on whether he’s gay is helpful. You need to think about what it is that you want.

I don’t think he sounds gay. Bi or bi curious perhaps, but plenty of people’s sexuality is on a spectrum. I know several straight men into pegging, or guys who’ve only ever had serious relationships with women but have also experimented with or had threesomes with another man. I don’t think his kinks sound particularly extreme but the main issue is you don’t like them. So either you discuss with him the kind of sex you want or think about the future of the relationship.

Spanking, scat, she-males, domination… You just have very different sexual tastes. Nothing wrong with the things he likes, just they’re not your thing.

The fact that he's not having sex w men, he's fantasising about it whilst having sex with his wife.

Some women have rape fantasies, doesn't mean they actually want to be raped.

Sounds more like kink to me.

Nothing you have written here OP, screams that your H is definitely gay, bi, whatever.

None of what he wants in bed or what he has asked you to do, is remotely abnormal, weird, something no one else ever does.

However thats really not relevant - what is relevant is, you don't like it, it isn't what makes YOU happy or comfortable, and you don't appear to be able to talk to him about that.

Either you work out how to talk to him and he is receptive and takes action or... split up with him.

Life is far too short to be stuck with sex you don't like, makes you uncomfortable or is unfulfilling, with a partner who won't discuss or meet your needs.

Spanking, scat, she-males, domination…

There is something about she males that makes me feel that men who watch them (and have sex with them in some cases) are just not fully heterosexual. That they're gay or bi.

It must be the dick and balls.

And this is why I don't think it matters if he's gay.

You're being pushed into scenarios you're deeply uncomfortable with because you want some form of intimacy with him to the point of instigating it even though you know how it's likely to turn out (ie all about him and his kinks.)

Yes, you might be agreeing to these types of kinks once the sex has begun, but the power balance is all wrong between you. You want sex, he can go without it unless you're dominating him, then he's pushing you to the extreme. It's a massively unhealthy dynamic.

Your sexual dynamic and the fact he apparently has no real regard for your feelings is the most pressing concern, NOT his true sexuality.

Nothing you have written here OP, screams that your H is definitely gay, bi, whatever.

The pretending to be fucked by men is a slight hint.

This forum never fails to amuse.

What's the difference between having sex and making love?

This thread does seem to cover quite a shopping list of fetishes
.. pegging, domination, cuckolding, she-males, spanking, now urinating.

Shame if so because op has been given some great advice!