Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I know and now it’s too late.
we are so financially entwined and reliant on each other. We’ve made commitments mortgages, school fees that any separation would wreck the kids lives.

My gut tells me he is possibly bi. Possibly curious but deep down that he just wants to be dominated.

I don't think you should stay with a (closeted but not so closeted) gay, covert narcissist man for the money.

Surely, it'll also have a huge detrimental effect on you and your children staying with this man.

He is literally using you to fulfil his gay fantasies.
A lot of men do this to deny that they are gay.

Get out. Bloody hell.
I know I'm not in your situation but I've been with a closeted gay porn addict, and I had trauma from some of the visuals I witnessed being with him as well as from the sex life. And they were nowhere close to what you've described.

THIS.

Clearly he was always like this? Submissive in bed, you say he wanted you to play “she- male” since you first met in your 20’s?

For whatever reasons you’ve overlooked it. Often cracks in a relationship turn into great chasms overtime that can no longer be papered over.

Therapy can be really painful because it forces you to confront these issues.
You don’t have to make any big decisions right now but you have choices here.

Unfortunately him changing his sexual preferences isn’t one of those choices.

@IsHeGay2023 people break up every single day and manage to handle the separations and coparenting arrangements just fine. You sound defeated and you are young.. far too young to just give up and accept this as your life.

Spot on.

Everything but first few sentences particularly

I think today’s session really opened up those chasms. I think I was using other things in my life as excuses for my deep rooted unhappiness (alcoholic father who died when I was in my 20s so H was my stability).

he is a wonderful and committed father to our children. He works so so hard. If he is Gay he’s not acting on it. The sex is so infrequent I imagine he’s masturbating a lot I can’t see how he has zero sec drive.

he’s a covert narc - he can’t even see he has those tendencies.

I am exhausted exhausted.

Yes he was from after the first 6-12 months like that - wanted to be dominated.

yes I accepted being the dominating partner.

no we have not used a dildo or strap on, on him for 15 years but I know he would want it if I said yes.

I wouldn't say he's gay from those things alone. Sounds like he just is into some domination which is fairly normal

Absolutely can be norm for a straight guy! I've met submissive guys before who are into pegging and they weren't gay. It's actually not that uncommon a fantasy for straight men.

If you cannot contemplate separating right now, would it help to stop the sex completely? Just don’t instigate it. You sound almost traumatised by the fantasies he wants you to act out.

Is he Philip Scofield?

@NairobiGal

A straight man would not be asking a woman to talk about other men taking him.

This man is gay.
OP needs to leave so he can actually find the guts to have another man fuck him instead of traumatising this poor woman.

I have done this and we’ve gone 2 months but then I want it because I just want sex I know I sound so messed up.

Doesn't sound bi or gay to me just a man who likes to be dominated in bed and some role play

Rather than tear yourself why don't you ask him all this drama for very little reason and your therapist isn't really helping if they are insinuating you

I agree.

OP, you're gonna be even more fucked up continuing to have sex with him.

At this point, you really shouldn't be.

No one is going to fix this for you.

You clearly don't like him much. The sex is crap for you. You feel unloved and lonely. You don't trust him (in terms of knowing he'd be kind if you split).

If you're not happy, and you want to be happy, you have only two options;

1. explain to him what you see the problems being and ask for things to change. Eg, you want more affection, hugs and kisses. You would like sex with equal roles and less domination/submission. You want him to think about your needs more.

2. you call it a day.

I don't think the OP will ever know to be honest, but it sounds like their relationship is over anyway. I've had sex with and fantasised about women before but I'm 100% not gay, just like a little adventure and have experimented a lot. Regardless, if I was so convinced my partner was gay and was in therapy discussing it I don't think I would be able to recover from that. The lack of sex and confusion around sex would be the nail in the coffin. Sorry you're going through this OP.

I don't get gay vibes;many men enjoy anal play,using sex toys with a female partner is different from being penetrated by another man's penis.

Is there the possibility of any additional needs?;men with things like ASD/ADD/ADHD etc can struggle with intimacy in relationship,the ability to put their partners first and tune in emotionally to their partners needs.

I am agog people are outing this poor bastard based on this, it’s like we are back in the 50s and people don’t understand homosexuality. Homosexually is being attracted to men, not for a woman to strap a dildo on and basically dominate and humiliate you.

ignore people outing him, the only thing they know, and I know is he has a kink, a fetish and you don’t share it.

but I feel you’re being unfair to him. You knew this, you knew it right from the start and you accepted it. Twenty years later and you’re on line asking if he’s Gay, when you know he’s not, he’s just got fetishs and kinks which you were previously happy to oblige.

Ideally you would decide you want to be happy - but if you are worried about the kids think of it like this. You are a role model to them - you and your husband are role
models to them of how to be a happy couple. What you are teaching them is to stay in an unhappy relationship. Would you want this relationship for them?

I definitely got kink vibes also.

Eugh? Does the being gay itself disgust you or just the fact he's not being honest about it?

I don't think that is a normal heterosexual relationship asking your wife to put a dildo up his backside. If you don't enjoy these acts then please don't do them You need to communicate your boundaries and work out if you want to be In this relationship