Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

He's only going to get another partner who died this and wants to by participating in fetish groups.

No. I didn't meet my DH on a fetish site, we met normally.

Thank you yes. I will sit and talk with him. Or write to him. It will all take time.

Absolutely, give yourself time to breathe. You sound on the verge of therapy burn out (if that's a thing?) Or breakdown. There's no rush to revisit all the trauma in your life if it's becoming too much- not sleeping, stressed, anxious etc.

I'm not a therapy expert but your needs are important so perhaps it might be an option to take a break from therapy and revisit if you're feeling overwhelmed?

Or take a break from sex altogether and try to regroup with your husband: as in attempt to communicate and share your feelings.

Yes, it does take time. There's no need to do anything at a pace that you aren't comfortable with. I really hope that when you are able to start the conversation, he listens. Best of luck OP.

In the mean time - no more sex you’re uncomfortable with. Don’t initiate it.

Also, I started with a letter too. The most jumbled thing you can imagine. I cringe to think about it. But he read it. It also did me good to write it out and have it physically there as I couldn't mind wipe it so easily.

Thanks @SmileyClare or perhaps there are deeper issues. I could be depressed, we’ve also talked about me possibly having ADHD.

I had a three/four week break from therapy. We have been doing some very deep work. It is hard,

A man may ask his partner to use a strap on with him. It doesn't mean he wants a man to do it.

Don’t kid yourself that this can be worked out OP. I never say that, but this one is flogging a dead horse and him booking a dinner out just isn’t going to change that. Take the kids out of private school before it gets harder, and run.

I know what I’ve lived with and coped with for 20 years . I’m at the start of another journey and I’m working on things.

I just need to take my time. Re: Private School I’m just not willing to sacrifice my kids education.

I agree, you need to take your time. But in the meantime, you need to carve yourself out some headspace. I still say that talking to him about this shit isn't going to be helpful. You're trying to work things out yourself. Having him add more shit to the pile of shit you're already trying to handle isn't going to make it any easier!

It doesn't matter why he's wired the way he is. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not. It just IS. Do you ask a dog why it's bitten you? Do you ask a bee why it's stung you? No, you don't. You accept that dogs bite and bees sting. And you go from there to protect yourself from it.

Figure out how YOU feel first, settle your own decisions. Decide how YOU want to live going forward, either with him in some fashion that works for you, or without him. Only then should you add him and what he 'wants' going forward to the mix.

I mean, maybe there's a conversation to be had about living together/coparenting amicably but not being married
Or birds nesting so the kids have stability
He'd be free to explore his fetishes and you can find a partner who gives you what you need
The problem is he could be using you as a "beard" as he's ashamed about his tastes so may not accept that if you split he can pursue them. Sometimes men are very invested in perfect dad/husband image

Yes. Interesting on the ‘beard’ bit, he would be devastated if we split up.

I am considering whether he has ASD. Because when he gets in from work he needs a lot of space to decompress. He’s utterly exhausted too. His job is very stressful.

but my life is too. I hold down a stressful job and manage kids and house.

This is very much an aside but a sibling had to move their kids from private to state school due to Covid affecting one spouse’s business - and it really wasn’t the trauma the parents were afraid it would be and the kids are all genuinely happy at their state school and doing well academically.

Sometimes parents have to move areas for work or their income goes up or down and kids have to change schools - it’s really not the end of the world.

I changed school myself when I was 9 and the school I moved to was so much nicer.

(And again of course for secondary).

I moved school 4 times as a child, it wasn’t ideal for me. Although the 3rd move did push me into a better school. It was all very disruptive.

I have so much to factor in re: the kids, e.g. what sort of environment they should grow up in etc. there has been divorce in my family none in DHs. my Dad’s brother and my dad’s sister.

adverse outcomes for the children in the downgrading of their schooling and family homes.

i have so many broken relationships around me I just really do need to take my time.

But thank you so so much for the words it’s all what I need to factors in. But rightly I will focus on myself first. The kids are happy. We don’t argue in front of them (much) but he can be passive aggressive and it’s sad to hear the 11 year old have to call him out on that.

You could reverse the genders here and find this is exactly how a lot of husbands feel about their wives.

I do understand and I know it’s so easy to tell a stranger on the internet what to do. I’m sorry, I just want you to not disappear in all this but you are more acutely aware of that than anyone. For what it’s worth I don’t think that going to a state versus private school will necessarily sacrifice your children’s education, and I say that as someone who has been in both. Private education can’t guarantee good grades, and good grades can’t guarantee fulfilment or employment if they aren’t accompanied by health and mental resilience.

What will possibly affect your children for years beyond school is….who is their mother? What message do you consciously or unconsciously send them about life and how to seek the best for yourself. What could you model for them if you fight for yourself? It’s just a factor to consider. I know there are others that might end up taking precedence at this point.

Whatever happens though, be very aware that you will meet resistance from your husband because he has his own agenda as you work through this. He might on many levels wish he had lived a different life so far, but at the same time he is invested now in this and may not be ready to live differently.

He doesn’t have a gram of gayness in his system, he’s just submissive, and you sound angry and frustrated. Why?

"I don't think you should stay with a (closeted but not so closeted) gay, covert narcissist man for the money." This.

This is what I’m working on, 100%. I know I’ll meet resistance because he’s not on my journey, although well aware I’m in therapy. And of course why should he think any of what we do/or done is an issue for me as I’ve gone along with and at times taken pleasure from it.

what I’m missing is an emotional, intimate connection and I want to get that through sex and in our daily lives. I know no dinner out or weekend away can paper over the chasms.

I also know I’m going through some intense therapy, it’s the first time I’ve had this sort of therapy (I’ve had plenty of talk therapy over the years and it just ends up being a place for me to release but I never did anything pro-active afterwards). There are lots of dynamics I’m working on but mainly building back my self worth, stopping the negative talk to myself, I’m learning how to be me and it’s all taking time.

i am determined to fight for myself. I know I run the risk of losing myself. I know I need to look at what behaviours I’m modelling to them too. It’s just a lot, a lot to do/take on when I’m very tired.

It’s not the money it’s the combined co-parenting. Notwithstanding his job he’s very involved in the kids lives although I do facilitate that massively with everything I do so he can do that. And I have supported him immensely with his work too.

*not just.

I wanted to say thanks for the contributions. I am really grateful for everyone’s insights.

OP you seem very invested in diagnosing your husband and/or attributing a serious personality disorder to him based apparently on little more than him being passive aggressive.

I don't think he sounds gay. I think he's extremely submissive. Regardless, it makes you unhappy and you don't want to accommodate his kinks any more. That's fine but you really need to talk to him. He doesn't seem to know how deeply this bothers you and how could he? He was upfront about his preferences and you seemed happy to go along with them for 20 years.

I really hope therapy works and helps you sort out what you need and how to get it.