Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I will look into cuckholding. If this is when other men watch their wives have sex with others he would enjoy this I know. It would be part of him feeling like I’m in charge and having it my way.

How does it not matter?

If he's gay, he's lied to her. A big fundamental, life changing lie. A big waste of 20 years.

That's not ok. No one wants to marry someone who isn't in to them. And it's really unfair to 'commit' to someone you don't love romantically. His sexually absolutely does matter to OP

Liking to be dominated and being gay are two completely different things.

From what you say he sounds bi-curious, bi-sexual potentially.

And also just into the same things sexually.

if I wanted sex tonight I know I could give it a start but it always finishes with me talking dirty to him and being dominant - well it starts and finishes that way.

The important thing here... is do you enjoy this type of sex with him? You being dominant and the dirty talk about other men taking him?

Does he satisfy you sexually?

People have lots of different kinks.. and if they're both into it, that's fine.

Just not into ^

"Eugh - because he's expecting his wife to constantly be dominant even though that's not her thing.
Eugh - because he wanted her to use a strap on when that's clearly not her thing. He should have known that. Most straight women (unless people just don't talk about it?) don't want to penetrate their husbands with strap ons.
Eugh - because he talks about having sex with other men, all while denying being anything other than straight. I'm sorry, but that really isn't common for straight people.
Eugh - because he's not being honest about such an intimate part of their shared lives.
She wants equal, loving sex yet he sounds completely unwilling to adapt to what she wants. He wants what he wants and that's all she gets.
I can't believe how many people are saying him wanting to receive anal sex and fantasising about man on man is nothing to do with being gay. It'll come out in the end OP."

Exactly the OP is having to do what he wants and that is not a loving two way relationship. OP leave him, he will never make you happy. Imagining a man dominating him when you are doing it and imagining a man having anal sex with him whilst you use a strap on - he fancies men and wants men but hasn't said it - maybe culture/family/shame/societal beliefs who knows but going by what other women married to men who were secretly gay yet married and having sex with them say he ticks all the boxes. It's not homophobic to say he is gay

Theres nothing in your first post to suggest he’s gay. The only possible connection is in your second blog, ie the male fantasies.

Alot of these women are male identified on mumsnet
They will twist any situation to make the man be the innocent party
I wonder if any of these weird women would want their husbands admitting that they want to be spread out and cum on by another man .. i highly doubt it

There probably isn’t much benefit in trying to understand your husband’s kinks; he’s been very clear to you what turns him on.

After years of ignoring this, playing along with his fantasies, I suppose you’ve now acknowledged the truth to yourself.

You feel unloved and unattractive sexually to him because “you” aren’t enough, he can only perform to an imaginary scenario involving men.

You need to “come out” to him with that truth; how you honestly feel after years spent acting out his fantasies and him believing you enjoy them (?)

I expect you crave intimacy and affection and instigate sex for that reason only.

Your therapist should help you unpick all this. It will be a difficult and painful process for you though.

I think the basic problem is that, for whatever reason, you and he are sexually incompatible. At this point it really doesn't matter why. He wants something you find a real turnoff. And he apparently isn't satisfied with what you want.

You say you are so financially entwined that it would be 'impossible' to split up. OK, I'll take your word for it. (But it's never impossible to dis-entwine, it can just be messy).

Since you apparently are not willing to live in a sexless marriage, and his 'version' of sex is unsatisfying to you, and I NEVER suggest this, but would you consider an open marriage? He would be free to seek out BDSM, you would be free to seek out a more 'normal' situation, possibly a FWB? I would never let him touch me again for fear of STDs, but it might be worth talking to your therapist about.

Again, I do not believe in 'cheating' and think one should leave a relationship if one is that unhappy no matter the reason, but in your case I think I'd make an exception.

He sounds bi-curious.
Whatever the reason, your sex lives are not compatible. Either have an open relationship or end things.

Attempting to label your DH as gay or bi or whatever is a red herring, it's irrelevant. Also inaccurate, misinformed and (unintentionally) homophobic.

YOU are miserable in your marriage. That's all that matters. It's not right for you.
You and DH are not sexually compatible; he has a kink which you don't share.

Focus on what you want, and need, and on acknowledging that you're not getting it in this relationship. You can't change who he is. You CAN be honest about who you are, and make different choices in your life.

He hasnt had sex with the woman in 20 years hes not bisexual he is gay

I’m not being obtuse here, but what is a she-male? A woman dressing as a man, or a trans female to male?

There is such a lot to unravel here and I am in no way qualified to diagnose anything sexually or otherwise, but he is making you unhappy and surely if you are a partnership you should be able to talk through things - it’s obviously stemming from the physical side of the relationship but is now affecting you emotionally also so needs discussing openly and honestly by both of you. If you are unhappy meeting his desires / he is unhappy meeting yours sexually could you remain friends and co-parent successfully ?!

This is a really sad thread though where you have been almost trained into meeting his desires at the detriment of yours.

Agree.

"Oh be the doting wife, and satisfy his needs and urges that don't involve you.. Don't worry that he wants other men to take him, it's simply a kink.
It doesn't matter his sexuality, nor the fact that you are not happy with this. It's all part of a kink where he wants other men to take him. Don't leave. Satisfy him".

I think you've misread-they have sex maybe once per month if OP instigates.
They haven't 'made love' in 20 years.

I will look into cuckholding. If this is when other men watch their wives have sex with others he would enjoy this I know. It would be part of him feeling like I’m in charge and having it my way.

Yes, a cuckold likes their wife to be with other men. There are different levels... some don't watch, but likes to hear about the other man..often called the bull hear how good the bull is and how he satisfies her in a way he couldn't

Some cuckolds like the humiliation of it... they watch... they prep the wife for the bull, then watch or have to leave the room. They get off on being insulted...told what to do by wife and the bull.

It goes as far as him watching, then having a cream pie after the bull had finished.

From what you say, he hasn't mentioned wanting you to be with another man.

*For example when we have sex he likes me to talk about other men taking him - or him being submissive to other men.

He said he’s not gay to me. I’ve then asked him why he enjoyed me using a strap on him. I had to stop it was too much for me to do.*

Along with the she male porn, these also make me think he's gay.

He almost never has sex with you and when he does he wants to pretend he's being fucked by a man.

What's his relationship like with his parents? He doesn't necessarily have to have been sexually abused as a child but a very domineering parent - well it can twist something in the mind i.e the need to be humiliated. I'm just presenting an alternative to him being gay that could also explain a non traditional approach to gender roles in sex.

Alternatively, you said you met at uni, has it always been this way?

Because the other way to look at it is - he hasn't changed, you have.... That puts a different spin on things doesn't it?

So one way you could approach this is, tell him you want to change up your sex life. That the way you have had sex over the last 20yrs has grown stale. Rather than going for submissive/dominance type of role play to sex - try something completely different.

Its not just the strap on though! He wants her to talk about men having sex with him, while they have sex...

Sorry but he is not a cuck, and even that is questionable.

Nothing here suggests cuckholding. He has literally said and gets her to talk about HIM being taken by other men.

Stop twisting what she is saying. He wants to have sex with men. He literally wants men to take him. What is not clear about this?

No read it again, she said they have had sex 3 times in 20 years..
I presume she meant that she initiated it once a month at the beginning of their relationship

Your sex is like this because you're clearly incompatible. That might be because he's gay, but he says he isn't. What he is telling you is that he wants to be dominated, and what you're telling us (and him) is that you're not really into it.

You're looking for a big 'lightbulb' moment when there possibily isn't one. He could be gay or he could be on a spectrum of sexuality where he is very much into women but only in a certain context. The thing you need to address before anything else is the sexual compatibility issue. You've been clear with him that you don't want to indulge his kinks and he should respect that. If he can't deal with having sex the way you're comfortable with, or he isn't comfortable with that type of sex himself, he should be ending your marriage as hard as that might be for you both.

I’m not sure where it says we haven’t had sex there must have been a misinterpretation we have had sex over the last 20 years

If he was just submissive and wanting you to take charge I would say that would be very common where people have jobs where their have control roles . But the fact he fantasises about being taken by a men … well to me it means he is gay .
I know some will say if your marriage is other way happy maybe sex is not as important but personally I think you deserve better . You deserve an enjoyable sex lice and someone who makes you feel wanted . Massive hugs