Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

Let him go and file for divorce. Don’t give baby his surname.

The MIL is a distraction from how he’s treating you with regards to money

how will you manage on mat leave?

I don’t think this is a MIL issue especially as when you spoke to him he said he’d leave!

You can't even afford your own home with two kids, and he's giving money away?

Is there a cultural expectation here, as if not, that's a weird situation. Even if there is, you don't have to agree with it.

Why can't MIL work?

Tell him to go then. His priorities are a fucking mess.

Why are you having another child when you don't have a home?

Why can't his MIL work? Why is your DH willingly giving her spending money? This is all kinds of odd!

Yep, it’s best he goes to his mums and stays there. Although, it’s not his mums, it’s his siblings place. Irrespective I’d see it as a lucky escape and good riddance to be free if this weird man child who appears to be a cocklodger to boot.

WTF???

Your DH has his priorities backwards. Even without the completely crazy idea of paying MIL to sit at home, why isn't he providing for his actual wife and family?

This. Tell him to fuck off but make sure he coughs up for the kids.

I can't imagine planning to have a second child while still living at home with parents. Your husband isn't contributing to the bills where he lives but is giving his mum spending money?

It's such a weird set up.

So your parents are subsidising your MIL?

she doesn’t want to. She never has.

tbf I am in a more stable position, I am the one with savings as I started work from a young age. But I don’t want to put all my savings into a property on my own.
so maybe this is why he is so relaxed with his money as he knows I don’t ask for money from him etc. we used to put our money into a savings account every month, but for this reason we won’t be able to put the same amount anymore. He also decided to pay for his brothers fees which is around 2.5k. So it just hurts as I know he’d never give me this kind of money, as we basically half every grocery shopping, meals ( or I pay more).

All around it’s a strange situation with money management.
He can’t really afford to help his mom to the extent he wants to.
And as a family you can’t afford to have a second child either.
This must be a cultural thing though. Maybe parental support is expected? And it goes both ways?

I would be absolutely furious that he thinks it's okay to contribute towards MIL's bills but not your parents' when he is actually living with your parents.

Is this a cultural expectation? It's certainly unusual if you were brought up in traditionally British homes, where we don't tend to support our parents or live with them after marriage and children.

I'm assuming it's a more complicated scenario than 'he has to stop giving his mum money'.

Yep. That’s why it’s very frustrating as my own parents where we live don’t want our money. my parents are elderly and they prefer us living with them for company and I help them with appointments and things, cooking cleaning etc. that’s one reason besides financial reasons.

It sounds like you're living with your parents so that he has the opportunity to save up money for a deposit so he can match the savings you already have.

Instead he's giving that money to his mother. So in effect as @BruceAndNosh says, your parents are subsidising his mother - and you are never going to be in a position to buy your own home either, at least not with him. So living with your parents is a false economy and disrespectful of their generosity.

He's completely taking the piss out of your parents, aside from anything else. Let him go to him moms.

For example I work with lots of people from South East Asia, and it's normal and expected for them to financially support their parents and pay for younger siblings' education.

He can only afford to give money to his mother because you are living with your parents. He is expecting you and your parents to subsidise his mum.

Yep. When we were talking about child care, he was saying how I can stay at home and he will give me 50 pound. Month spending money or my dad can give that and I can stay at home. So why is he giving around 200 to theirs?

im furious but trying to not let this affect me. Because I can’t really see a solution.

He is not supporting his family. You and his kids are his family. He is a cocklodger. Stop being taken for a mug and throw him out. You don’t need to worry about how to afford a house without him because you’re at your parents already.

Pursue him through CMS for maintenance life will be better without this leech dragging you down.

Yep exactly. That’s one reason why we stay with them but also to keep them accompany. They don’t want us to leave, i help them with appointments etc.
but I also obviously want to save to buy my own place so that we can at least have a future even if we don’t live in it anytime soon. Like you said the purpose was for him to match me.
on may leave should I ask him to contribute to grocery shopping’s a bit more than me, as I would be earning 1/3 of what he will be getting, and don’t want to dip into my savings? Or is this unreasonable when I have savings ?

If he is not contributing and helping to save for your future wouldn’t you be better off if he went to live with your mum? He sounds like a drain both financially and emotionally.

Exactly. But he doesn’t realise this.
he got extremely annoyed when I told him about the bills in our household. Said we should start paying those off. So he said how I mentioned this twice now and he’s getting pissed and he will just go to his mums.

Darling, you have to sit him down and have proper conversation about your finances.

explain what you NEED AND WANT from him. Be very clear about your expectations. Why would your father subsidise your living when you have a husband and are living with them rent free.

If these basic things are unacceptable, let him stay at his sibling I can't see how your costs would increase, see as you go halves on everything, they might even reduce. give him a number expected for contributions to the children (don't lowball) and see how that works for you for a month or two.

either way don't be a pushover, or quiet or let things continue as is. face this problem head on, be forceful, clear and explicit about your expectations from him as a father husband and provider to your family.