Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

As they're having to live with her parents for free then it is they, his in-laws, who are subsuidising his lazy mother.

Sorry op, but you are a mug if you put up with this. Tell him this way of living is unacceptable - if he wants to leave, let him go (permanently)!

He doesn’t. We half the rent which isn’t much actually, and then grocery shopping we do is halved. But ofc. My parents also shop. So it’s not just us doing grocery shopping.
i am not happy with this system, and do want to contribute towards the bills as I want him to pay. But my parents keep refusing. Ofc they don’t know he contributes to his mums… and I won’t be able to disclose this

I think that as he thinks he’s earning, his entitled to give the money however he wishes.

Does he have any intention of ever buying with you? Is he actually saving?

OP take a step back and look at your situation.

It doesn't matter whether the 200 is on bills or spending. The fact is you guys don't even have your own place and he is throwing money away.

I couldn't imagine my parents ever expecting this of their kids! It's ridiculous!

This will NEVER change. He has ZERO respect for you as his wife. You have your head screwed ok and want to save for a house for you, your husband and your kids. But what's his contribution? He doesn't even care about you or the kids, his priority is his mum. Worse, his sibling who live with her could pay more!

I hate saying LTB. But for God's sake you should seriously reconsider what you ACTUALLY want from a marriage. Because he isn't ever going to put you or your children first. You nothing have opposing views on if this was your kids helping u in the future for God's sake. Its screams how incompatible you both are.

Tell him to fuck off to his mums file for divorce. Be done with.

Trust me you will be much happier

Do you think it’s because he thinks as he’s earning it he can do whatever with it?
this thought also makes me think and makes me think like I can’t tell him not to etc. but just feels like he’s being mugged off to pay their bills, and we are being mugged off here to pay our bills. Bills he is supposed to be paying too

Sorry but why can't you tell your parents?

You need to protect your savings. Deposit them with your parents if they can presumably be trusted not to spend them. Or "pay them" for having you in the house while you are on mat leave. If you can find a way to spend as little as possible during mat leave you will be better off by the end when you go back to work and he is gone.

If he wants to come after you for his "share" because you are married then let him.
File for divorce or resign yourself to a lifetime of this.

Then make a plan for how you will manage as a carer and a single mum of two with a full time job.

Yeah we were putting money into savings every month. But now he said he will be decreasing the amount cos he doesn’t think we need to put in so much. Probably because he can’t afford the amount we were putting.

It sounds like you both have very strange relationships surrounding money...!

He gives his MIL money, but you sponge off yours. You say they "like it" because you help with appointments/cook/clean etc. But no, sorry. You've got a second child on the way. Time to cut the apron strings all round!

Definitely YANBU.. I am in a kind of similar situation as yours.. my in laws live overseas , they are financially stable, having monthly income in form of pensions and has their own house. Despite this, mil pesters DH for gold often and gets it🙄 it infuriates me but can't say anything because I am only one who is cast in a bad light every single time, getting a bad daughter in law!

DH never has been unreasonable to me, so I just don't bother too much

I would be furious too if he behaved otherwise.

He's taking the piss. Tell him he carries on putting the same amount in and if he wants to give his mom money he needs to find a job that allows him to do so without your family being impacted.

That’s true it doesn’t really matter! But honestly I wouldn’t mind as much if I knew it was only going for her spending and not the bills.
i just keep thinking stupidly as as he’s earning he is entitled to give money etc. but feel like 200 is a lot! Esp. When doesn’t contribute much to our bills.

So you live for free with your parents for financial reasons but you have a problem with him contributing financially to his parents? Why don't you both cut the apron strings and get your own place? Maybe his mum wasn't entitled to benefits and should sort her own problems out I stead of letting her children take responsibility?

Honestly I would let him go to his mums. You could then claim universal credit once baby is here and child maintenance from him and be better off financially than you are now and not paying for his mum when your own parents don’t take money from you

Are you married, OP?

Bolster your position financially, as unless you are willing to spend your life continuing to subsidise your financially & emotionally abusive husband, and his scavenger of a mother in silence it’s not going to last long.

I wouldn’t be buying property with him that’s for sure, and I would advise you to ensure you divorce him before doing so, or half of that will be heading her way too.

You need to start planning for a life without this man now.

This just gets more and more strange.

You need to write down all the household bills and decide who's paying for what. If you parents aren't paying rent - fair enough, but why not? Split everything down to each adult in the house. That's how much money he needs to put in every month.

Do you think it’s because he thinks as he’s earning it he can do whatever with it? No idea, because his thinking is clearly very warped. But if he does believe this, then surely it cuts both ways - so your money is yours, you can do what you like with it.

You are colluding with him in taking advantage of your parents.

No wonder you don't want to tell them what he is doing.

If you put up with this shit you are just as bad as he is.

I don’t know what to do though. I do say for us to contribute to bills and they are refusing.

He will never put you and kids before his mum. In your shoes I would not be having more kids when I don't have home for kids I already have. He sounds a loser.

then take the money from him for bills and just put it aside or directly deposit into your parents account.
so either way he is contributing towards the living expenses!

But I don’t want to put all my savings into a property on my own.
Why on earth not?
You have 2 children. You also say you don't want to leave your elderly parents.
So don't - keep saving, & when you are in a position to buy a house one day, put everything into your own name.
A house would be security for you AND your DC.
Why would you want to entangle your finances with this untrustworthy man?

so maybe this is why he is so relaxed with his money as he knows I don’t ask for money from him etc. we used to put our money into a savings account every month, but for this reason we won’t be able to put the same amount anymore. He also decided to pay for his brothers fees which is around 2.5k. So it just hurts as I know he’d never give me this kind of money, as we basically half every grocery shopping, meals ( or I pay more).
What is the point of him?
Every time you ask him to contribute, he threatens to leave you.
Call his bluff. Get rid of him - he is cocklodging off your parents FFS.

Yep. When we were talking about child care, he was saying how I can stay at home and he will give me 50 pound. Month spending money or my dad can give that and I can stay at home.
You what now?
He's hilarious! Not content with leeching off your parents he's now instructiong your dad to give you money every month?
The tight fucker can pay 50% of childcare costs so that you can continue to work (& save - for YOURSELF only).
Kick him out OP. Apply immediately to the CMS & see what they have to say about his measly £50 a month. He needs to be paying toward his DC. Make sure he does.

This is completely messed up for a start, sounds like some weird codependent relationship between the children and their mother. I can't imagine taking money that should be supporting my grandkids because I didn't want to work. On top of that I'd be seriously worried he will get into debt and then your savings will disappear to pay them off. Anything you save or if you eventually manage to buy a house is potentially half his is a divorce too. If you were free of him you could safely build financial security for your DC that he couldn't destroy. He is taking not just from you, but from his own children too, all to support to a grown woman who is perfectly capable of working.

It's going to be a lifetime of this, resentment, hurt, seeing your DC go without while his money disappears into his mother's and siblings pockets. Having your DC hurt when they realise where their Dad's priorities lie. I don't think even an ultimatum would make any difference here. He's shown you very clearly who he is. Do you really want your kids to grow up being treated this way? You deserve better too by the way, but I know that can be harder to believe.