Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

He is taking the piss by not contributing to your parents costs which he will also be incurring whilst substituting his mother. If you’re living with parents due to financial reasons but are having another baby causing further financial loss, you are your DH are also both unreasonable too.

Why can't you "disclose" this?

Your parents are good enough to provide a roof over your heads, to pay all your bills & feed you.
But not good enough to be told how their SiL is taking the piss out of their generosity & financially abusing their daughter?

im furious but trying to not let this affect me. Because I can’t really see a solution.
But it DOES affect you.
It affects your child.
It will affect your baby.
It affects your parents.
Pretending it's not happening won;t make the problem go away.

And there is a simple solution - kick this man out.
You cannot carry on living with a man who refuses to pay his own way, let alone his child's costs ... & who shuts down your very reasonable objections to his financial abuse by threatening to leave you.

I am not being unreasonable right? Just worried he may say as he is earning he decides what to do with his money.

I meant I don’t want to put more savings in a property with him, and he puts less.
he was already saying he will borrow money off me and pay me if we were to get one.
but I didn’t want this.

That’s true it doesn’t really matter! But honestly I wouldn’t mind as much if I knew it was only going for her spending and not the bills.

Are you joking, you are fine with paying a lazy woman in her 50’s so she has spending money! I’m older than 50’s and have cut down to around 55hrs per week. Give me a few years and I’ll cut down again, and again but I sure won’t be taking money from my kids. If she is not disabled or has a severe health issue she should get off her bum and earn some money doing menial odd jobs or what not (I presume she doesn’t have current quals?). If she has a disability or health issue and genuinely can’t work then she would be getting a payment accordingly, this is laziness. Why are you facilitating this ridiculousness? How is your sense of normal so skewed? You know it’s very wrong, that’s why you won’t disclose it to your parents.

Kick him back to his mum and claim CM, you will be better off no doubt.

As for him asking how you would feel if this was your son, I can’t believe you didn’t fall over laughing. I would have strongly put across this scenario would never occur given you are not a lazy sponge and you would never bring your son up to disrespect his wife and children financially.

This can't be a serious question? I mean really....you are about to be a mother of two?

You must look after yourself and get your life back under control. Especially your finances And list down all the suggestions you have been given here - the what if
situations you are in . Make three scenarios - you must be 10 steps ahead of the situation .
He may not want to talk fully - and that is frustrating ! But do not let him it hold you back, you and your children are a priority.
Sometimes what people say are quite harsh on here - however
there is a lot of truth that can help you and guide you through . As a human being you need to look at this on a different perspective. Time is not your side . You must move swiftly and be strong . You have all the suggestions on here to know what to do now. You must find the courage for your children sake.

Tell him he is right. He should go to his mum's and live there.

This man is taking the piss. He will continue to take the piss every day until you put a stop to it.

He won't change so you either live like this or you don't.

You can't control how he behaves. You can control whether you accept it or not.

So your husband thinks your MiL should get £200 for sitting on her bum all day doing nothing and you've to be happy with your dad giving you £50 a month for you and the kids? Honestly he is an absolute disgrace of a husband and father. You will probably find you're better off without him. He will never be able to save anything to contribute towards a home Of your own and he won't care because clearly keeping his lazy mother happy is his priority and he's not bothered about taking the piss out of your family's generosity. Let him go to his Mums, that's clearly what's important to him and you crack on with saving for a home for you and your kids. Set up whatever you need to do to get child maintenance from him. Good luck, you deserve better than this

Unfortunately the baby was unplanned, and did happen because of failed contraception. And that’s another story. I was very upset, but it was too late.

I think he is financially abusing both you and your parents. You can’t allow this to continue especially with another child on the way.

I had a DH that did this. While I was cutting back on everything. He never stopped, eventually left me for a girl at work. He also liked a gamble, unfortunately I was besotted. On reflection I’d have kicked him out of my house immediately after he said I didn’t need help with bills but his mum did. How stupid I was, we weren’t even married at the time, I had my own house and a good income. And yes, when he left he took me to the cleaners.

Who pays for your child’s childcare whilst you’re working PT and who will pay the babies childcare bill when you go back to work after maternity?

So you know how much you and the dc mean to him.

Less than £200 per month. I would be pointing out, whilst he is packing his bag that he is willingly walking out on his wife and children over £200 per month.

You could argue his parents need £200 per month each as well. If he thinks that his mother needs spending money then so do your parents It is only fair as you are living with them.

As for the scenario of taking money off your own child so you don’t have to find a job. That is most peoples idea of what failure looks like.
Isn’t he embarrassed at having a mother who refuses to look after herself but expects her children to look after her even when they have children and families of their own.

Have you ever sat down and looked at your financial situation as a couple.

Actually worked out how much income you have each month. Deducting all your joint bills, food shopping, nursery fees etc then have a budget for baby and child related stuff like clothes, toys, equipment etc and a budget for holidays, leisure activities you do together, eating out, days and presents and gifts etc. What each person needs to go to work each day (commute costs etc) they get. Putting an amount into a joint savings account that is separate from your own savings which I would tell him you frittered away. Then dividing the rest as spending money.
Then if he wants to give his mother £200 per month or loan his brother money it is out of his spends and not because you are shielding him from a reality where he says he is taking on a commitment without consulting you

I think he sees the money in his pay packet and thinks it is all his to do what he likes with.

His priority is to his family and his family is his mother and siblings not you and the children

WTF.... OP, are not being unreasonable at all. Your husband's financial priorities are completely messed up. Giving his lazy mother £200 to allow her to sit on her backside while not contributing to bills at your parents' place, or saving towards your own home? F*ck that, IT'S NOT OK!!! Throw him out and claim Child Maintenance - you'll be way better off.

Does he disrespect you in other ways??

Only because I have savings.
and also as he earns he might be thinking he decides what to do with his money?

I'm staggered that a 55 year old woman (4 years older than me) (but presumably one who has never worked in her life, and doesn't intend to!) is taking her son's money - presumably cultural expectations.

She could very easily get work in a shop/supermarket, cleaning, even retrain and join e.g. NHS as admin.

Don’t ask, tell him. You and your children should be his priority not his lazy mother. Tell him as you will be in maternity leave you will need him to give you £200 per month. As he can afford to give this to his mother….

If you intend to stay with him, and personally I would not, then tell him he needs to contribute rent to your parents and it will also be £200. If he refuses he can go to his mothers and you claim Child support. What is it with these men who put their mothers before their own family?

So you and he pay half the rent each for the house you live in with your parents.
Your parents (in their 70s) pay the bills.
You all split the groceries.
His siblings pay the rent, bills and groceries for the house they live in with their mother.
He also pays £200 a month for his mother.
His mother pays nothing.

This is all far too interdependent for me. Clearly the mother in law is freeloading and should be contributing towards her own living expenses.

If he could afford to contribute towards her without that having a negative impact on his children's situation, that would be his choice from his earnings. If it's having a negative impact (meaning you're unable to afford to save for your own place, or expecting your 70+ year old dad to pay your way) then that's not. He needs to be direct with his Mother and siblings that they are reducing the security for their granchildren/nieces/nephews. They are taking handouts from your 70+ year old dad to pay for his mother's shopping habits. Would spelling it out like that make them see it as a matter of pride?

Not when he's sponging off your parents he can't!!!

It sounds as though the fact that you are living with your parents has allowed him to think he can splash the cash with his mother and siblings.
It's all about him getting approval and status in his own family.

I suggest he goes to live with his mother and sends financial support to your children instead. His own living expenses will be his responsibility then, not your parents. He will legally be required to pay a designated amount for child support, which I think can be enforced if he doesn't.

Get legal support through a women's charity to protect your joint assets for the children. And for goodness sake, get a divorce.
It sounds like you have enough material support from your family to avoid too much hardship.
Good luck.

I'm 54, have always worked FT and am agog at the lazy MIL.

as he is earning the money he gives his mum, I won’t be reasonable to say not to give it right? As I think he thinks this way.

they didn’t even talk to me about my opinion when it came to this. Siblings spoke, and I got informed of this plan when they were telling his mum.

I just feel fed up of the whole situation. As recently his mum was being horrible to us, talking about me in negative ways, yet once h decided to give money she seemed okay. But probably will only last a few weeks…

Out of interest if a sibling moved out why would the money go up.

He has moved out yet he is still paying.

What does he actually bring to your life OP?

This is one of the strangest posts I’ve read on here.

OP, you live in the world, you see other relationships, you know other people. You, therefore, know that your situation isn’t normal and that this isn’t what life and marriage is meant to look like. So why are you passively sitting there and letting the cocklodger you married use you and your parents?