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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

293 replies

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:25

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 31/10/2022 08:51

The only solution is calling his bluff re money. I’m all for people supporting their parents etc but that is supposed to be on top of supporting their partner and babies not instead of.

basically your family unit is you, your parents and your child. Your husband just contributes sperm by the sound of it. He doesn’t sound very nice either eg he doesn’t want to save up to invest in a place of your own (whether or not you live in it), he wants you to stay at home and live off fuck all - maybe he is having a delicate ego because you have more savings than him.

overall I’m sorry to say this OP but he sounds irresponsible and unkind. You need to set out what you want and take nothing less. Otherwise he’ll continue to leech money from you and your parents (and your kids) to give to his own mother forever. Why don’t you ask him for money usually? He’s not a baby

Ivyonafence · 31/10/2022 08:52

Call his bluff and let him move out

NKFell · 31/10/2022 08:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2022 08:31

Tell him to go then. His priorities are a fucking mess.

This! 100% this!

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:54

When I tried to speak to him last night he just got very upset and angry. He said it’s his mother and she needs help so he needs to help her.
he kept saying he’s giving for her spending money, but I don’t understand as if each of them give the same amount that would be 600 a month. I said he is paying for their bills indirectly as I don’t believe that’s entirely her spending money. So she said that’s up to her how she utilises the money. But it’s not, as bills are deducted from that account, and it goes for the bills. If the other siblings didn’t work I’d understand but they do and one even earns about 200-300 a day! As opposed to H who earns minimum wage.

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 31/10/2022 08:55

… and he’s relying on you being upset and shocked by this and trying to get him to stay, presumably?

please please next time just don’t play the game. He has to realise that being a husband and father is a responsible role and if he can’t do it he’s best of shipping back to his mum’s.

inappropriateraspberry · 31/10/2022 08:56

Put simply, you'll be better off without him, financially and emotionally. What does he bring to this relationship?
Why is he giving his mother money at all? Those living in her home and pay is fair - contribution to their keep is fine. But why is he when he doesn't live there and should be saving for his own home?
What does he bring to your relationship?

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:57

As I work PT (was FT Before the baby), I don’t ask. I thought as I work it’s unreasonable for me to ask. And even now on mat leave I’ll be getting pretty much nothing. Should I ask for money from him rather than dip into my savings at that point?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/10/2022 08:59

Tell him to go then. He’s a father and needs to act like one. He’s leeching off your elderly parents and letting his children go without.

it might shock him into behaving better or not-and either way you know.

GoldenCupidon · 31/10/2022 09:00

The stuff about his mum is the tip of the iceberg really. It sounds like he’s very uninvested in you and the kids. How does he feel about living entirely supported by your elderly parents?

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:00

That’s exactly my point. I don’t understand why he needs to give that much. He says it’s for her spending/ saving and that it’s his mum. But I’m sure it will be going towards the bills. When I said this he’s fine with this too, as he said that’s her money and she gets to decide what she does with it.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 31/10/2022 09:00

You shouldn't have to be asking for money. He should give it to you without question as it's for his children. Dump him. You'll better off.

inappropriateraspberry · 31/10/2022 09:00

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:57

As I work PT (was FT Before the baby), I don’t ask. I thought as I work it’s unreasonable for me to ask. And even now on mat leave I’ll be getting pretty much nothing. Should I ask for money from him rather than dip into my savings at that point?

Of course! He should be contributing to the family. You are supposed to be a unit, as one, but you both seem to be keeping everything separate, particularly money. It's not your responsibility to fund your baby on your own.

StrawberryPot · 31/10/2022 09:01

For goodness sake, just let him go to his mum's. He sounds like a total waste of space.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/10/2022 09:01

And of course don’t dip into your savings-he’s relying on you doing that so he doesn’t lose face in front of his siblings.
tell him to go, claim child maintenance and you will get that £200 instead…

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 09:01

Have you asked him why he's supporting someone else's lifestyle when he can't afford to support the family he's created?

GoldenCupidon · 31/10/2022 09:02

Kardelen · 31/10/2022 08:57

As I work PT (was FT Before the baby), I don’t ask. I thought as I work it’s unreasonable for me to ask. And even now on mat leave I’ll be getting pretty much nothing. Should I ask for money from him rather than dip into my savings at that point?

Not completely sure what you mean by this but he should be paying his share ie at least half of the expenses for the two of you and the kids. That includes food, clothes, spending money, phones etc and anything you contribute to the household for energy etc. he should then be contributing the agreed amount of savings. Only then can he decide what to pay out of his own leftover money to his mum

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:03

It’s not really a cultural expectation. The mum just got really depressed when she found out she needs to work and was being horrible to us including me.
so they decided to treat her and let her stay home and cook for them… but I don’t get about h who doesn’t even live there

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/10/2022 09:03

And with him bleating oh it’s my mum-what about YOUR mum? The fact he’s living off her-where’s her £200 spending money from him? Twat. Get rid. Stop making excuses as you’re just enabling him.

inappropriateraspberry · 31/10/2022 09:04

I think you need to face facts - the apron strings will never be cut and he'll never commit fully to you and your family.

DeireadhFomhair · 31/10/2022 09:05

Why have her benefits been cut off? Is it because she has enough savings to support herself? I'm not in the UK so don't understand how it works.
If there are at least 2 other adults working who also live in the house then they should be paying bills etc, and if he thinks £50 is enough for you as spending money a month then why does he think his mother needs £600??? 🤔

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:07

We have separate accounts our pay comes into, but every month we would put equal amounts into savings.
if I ask him now to combine our salaries straight into one account, he may ask for my personal savings I had before him? As I will be getting a lot less on mat leave than what he will be earning now. Plus, seeing the 200 being moved into his mums account every month will piss me off even more

OP posts:
Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:08

As that’s his mum, he feels obliged.
and in return his mum treats us like crap as well. That’s the irony.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 31/10/2022 09:08

Crazy your pregnant with your second child and living with your parents. How old are you? If your working and having babies you should be financially independent and running your own household.

Original poster
Kardelen · 31/10/2022 09:10

shes no longer entitled to be at home and enjoy benefits basically as they will only give benefits if she goes out and searches for jobs. But of course she doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
IntrovertedPenguin · 31/10/2022 09:10

Why was her benefits stopped? Did she refuse to look for work? Is she disabled??

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