Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

OP are you south Asian? I ask because I don’t know from anywhere else where women are expected to put up with this humiliating treatment from ‘husbands. The fact you aren’t divorcing him tells me there is some pressure to stay married from somewhere that you’re still entertaining this waste of space. Why are you really staying with your parents, is it to save face in the community as still being married as otherwise surely your parents would have told you to get rid of him by now.

You need to stop using your money. Let him be a man. I don't care what anyone says. But if you marry and have kids you have responsibility. Only get married if you can provide for your wife and future children. Thats how it works in south Asian culture. Otherwise it leaves woman very vulnerable like in your case. It's like the dowry business where a woman's family had to provide everything for the son in law etc and his family adhering to all their requests whilst they (the grooms family) sat on their bottoms doing fuck all. We've moved on from all that. In your case he sounds like the daughter in law from back home who needs to provided for and you the husband (the provider). He doesn't sound British born and bred. Has he got status here?

Really disgusting that he doesn't feel any obligation to provide for his own children and is happy to sponge off your parents.

@heartbroken22
exactly it’s like the dowry culture where wife’s parents will put up with anything in terms of how their daughter is being treated. They just pander to patriarchy so they don’t rock the boat and risk their daughter getting a divorce. Otherwise surely they’d tell their son in law to get his arse in gear and provide for his family but they seem ok to put up their daughter and therefore subsidise the mil. If more people divorced men like this they wouldn’t behave like such entitled pigs but while the wife’s family are fearful of divorce, the men are banking on it and they will continue to feel like they’re doing the wife a favour by not divorcing them. I probably am really far off the mark here but I see this crap happen even in the U.K. so it wouldn’t really be much of a surprise as I can’t get my head around how this man hasn’t been given an ultimatum already. Seems the wife is just living with parents to keep the peace and still remain ‘married’ to this waste of space.

He does not see your relationship as an equal partnership and his behaviour shows he's not interested in your feelings or opinions. This is not a great prospect for a life partner. How awful to discover this. I'm sorry. You obviously work hard, have clear plans for what you want to achieve and have a supportive relationship with your parents, so you have a lot going for you and you'll do well. You may need to let him go to live with his mum since she seems to be his first priority.

This can't be real surely because if it is, it's a complete and utter batshit crazy shit show!

If it is real, wake the hell up OP and ditch these spongers from your life.

You should also withdraw all "your" mkney from the joint account, as at this point you cannot trust your DH.

BtW has your dh checked his mum's state pension entitlement? If she doesnt work she won't have contributed enough national insurance to get a full state pension. Im assuming she does not have a deceased partner who was already drawing a pension? So then you are likely in Pension Credit territory. The rules are quite complicated and she may not ve entitled to very much. I fully expect your DH will be supporting her financially until the day she dies.

Your dh is treating you unequally and yanbu. It is not "his money" - his income belongs to your family unit, and he isnt entitled to juat hand it away to extended family without your agreement. Stand up for yourself. Good luck.

How old is MIL - he will be paying until she is age 67

Op you keep mentioning this

I think that as he thinks he’s earning, his entitled to give the money however he wishes.

This isn't an arguement he can use. Technically, yes I suppose he can use his earnings as he wishes BUT any decent (normal) person uses their money for their own home and own family. He is choosing his mother over his children. He is choosing his mother over his pregnant wife. He is choosing his mother over saving for a home with his own family. So yes, he can say it's his choice. That's the problem - his choice is to betray his own family so his mother doesn't have to work. I bet he expects you to work doesn't he. What would happen if you said what his mother is saying 'I don't want to work anymore' (you would have better reasons, with 2 small children after all).... would he think it's reasonable for him to earn all the money forever more?

This man is using you and your parents as a cash cow for his mother and siblings. When you marry / when you have children, money earned is family money, ie husband and wife put their money in to a pot and use it for their own home and living expenses. Any excess is often divided as 'spending money'... if he chooses to give his mother money instead of, say, on his own hobbies or clothes or nights out, that's up to him. But if he chooses to give his mother family money meaning his wife has more pressure to earn while having 2 small children, and you can't save up for a home, that's all kinds of warped and wrong.

He is showing you that he is using you for money, and that his mother is more important to him, and her comfort and happiness are more important to him. This is not a good man and he isn't a good husband or father. You deserve better. I'd take him up on his offer to move out. Let him make his own way financially without you and your parents making life easier for him so he can give it away.

Morning Kardelen, l hope you are ok ? Have a good week ? A peacedul one .You have choices as woman the first world, small steps remember.

Remove your share from your savings account before he gets his sticky fingers into it & boot him out. You and your incredibly generous parents will all be better off and he can live with MIL so he is getting his £200 worth
sorted

I get the feeling OP that there is a lot of cultural pressure on you to stay married to this loser. Perhaps in some people's eyes getting divorced means losing fa e or respect? I am only guessing here, so may be wide of the mark, but please think of your self-respect. You need to respect yourself enough that you will not put up with such unreasonable and wrong behaviour from this man. And you and he need to respect your parents too, so that they are not being fleeced, all for the sake of appearances to others. What does it matter? Be strong, do the right thing for yourself, your DC and your own family. You will be strong, can hold your head up high and give yourself the respect that you so deserve. Your DC will grow up with better values and a happier mother who models strength and wisdom to them. Good luck. You can do it.

What are you actually going to do about this op?

Youre not family to his man, he literally couldn’t give two shits about you. I really don’t think you get it.

You’re scared to have a conversation with him and seem to have been conditioned to his way of thinking and keeping quiet via emotional abuse.

You can’t still seriously be considering buying a house with this scav?
all he sees when he looks at you is a free ride, and now you’re also letting him shaft your parents.

I get the feeling OP that there is a lot of cultural pressure on you to stay married to this loser

A previous poster said op is not from the same culture as the parasite.

He's treating you all as mugs.

Just dump him, this is a disaster.
OP, I am your mother in law’s age. I am just trying to think what my DS would say if I asked him for ££ because I didn’t feel like working. If there is no health reason why she can’t work, then she needs to get her butt into gear and work. My MIL was working in her early 69s, my aunt in her late 60s.
Get your money out of that joint account and put it in one only you can access. I wouldn’t trust him to not dip into it.

Well I would need it confirmed by OP. I can only think someone who has been deeply conditioned to accept this treatment would accept it. Not sure why her parents aren’t talking sense into her but instead enabling the behaviour, I haven’t come across white British parents behave that way but I certainly have come across plenty of Asian people who are bothered about things like women staying in marriages, even if they’re shit. All sounds odd to me.

If he wants to pay his mums bills, he can live with his mum.

Not sure why her parents aren’t talking sense into her but instead enabling the behaviour

Because her parents have no idea that she (and they) are being financially abused by a parasite. She says herself she’s not being honest with them about what’s happening.

why are you putting up with this behaviour from a grown man? There’s no way on this earth my mum would want to be supported by her children just so she didn’t have to work, it’s just so selfish!! You have a roof over your head provided by your parents, you have savings and a job, you are stable, get out of this relationship now before anything changes for you. Tell him you feel it’s best if he’s contributing to his mums bills that he goes and lives there. I am not saying it will be easy going it alone, but for the sake of your mental health (and remember children pick up traits from their parents) you need to leave this man. You will get more than £50 in child maintenance from him. Why are you with him? Why did you marry him? Has anything changed since you got married or was it always like this but now you have your eyes open to it? Just because he moves out does not mean you’re committing to a divorce just yet, just showing him how it would be if he leaves like he’s threatened to, hopefully helping you to realise you’re better off without him and leading to a divorce, so you can find someone in the future (if you want to) that actually cares about you and the kids and treats you with the respect you deserve. Please listen to what everyone is saying, there’s so many red flags. And why would his payments go up if one of them moves out? Surely they would continue to pay when they move out just like your DH does? Or is it just him that’s crazy enough to do this?

And will she even get a pension then if she hadn't been working?

I have nothing more to add really on top of what others have said - this is a crazy situation. If MIL owns the house she's living in then it's about time she did an equity release to fund her own living expenses if she's not prepared to work. It's all bonkers and I hope you kick him out OP (and I'm not usually one to go along with LTB!!). This is not how marriage is meant to be

Send him to his mums. Stop financially supporting him. I'd divorce him. What exactly does he bring to the table?

He says he won’t pay when his mother gets to pension age as she will have money coming in? If she has never worked, she won’t be entitled to a State Pension, so will she have a private pension that they have been putting into for her?

I would worry that the older she gets the more your ‘d’h will have to pay, so I can’t see an end to this problem. What if she needed care in her old age, would the brothers decide they have to pay that too, because that costs around £3k a month at the moment and will only get more expensive!

OP, I agree with those saying that you would be better getting rid of your ‘d’h, as he doesn’t appear to be contributing much to your life anyway. Then at least you can claim CMS from him, for your children.

I would also worry that he would try to claim half your savings if you split up. Perhaps it would be wise to tell your dear parents about him and start paying them more money to live with them/child care etc. asking that they put it away for when you need it!

To put it bluntly you sound like a doormat. My advice is: run a mile. Why on earth would you have a second child when you don't have a proper home?

This. Sums up the whole thread. OP and her elderly parents are being used; question is will OP have the strength to tell him to go? Surely this isn’t a real marriage?