Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

You keep going into your child self with him when he's angry.
Try to stay in your adult self when you speak to him. He's your equal partner not your other Dad.

He sounds like he acts like a child in your parents house, but in his own house his mother is the child and he is the parent for some bizarre reason.

Not sure this will change. I'd let him go to his Mum's like he threatens.

He also decided to pay for his brothers fees which is around 2.5k. So it just hurts as I know he’d never give me this kind of money

What the hell?? He paid for something for his brother that cost £2.5k and you can't even afford to house your family?

Basically, we keep £500 each a month in our own accounts to do what we want with (that's the amount that works for us) everything else goes into the joint account. It used to be less but we are earning a bit more now. I put a bit of mine into my own personal savings, I assume he does too.

apparently will when he starts workin. He didn’t ask for my decision anyway, he said he will give.
I just don’t know how to stop all this without it going out of hand. How to explain that this isn’t right. In fact after our fight yesterday, it made me feel like I was in the wrong. Hence why I asked on here

Are your parents a similar age? If so, I am a lot closer in age to all the parents here than to you and your husband. It is very strange to me that your MIL expects to be kept by her children, rather than supporting them and that your parents need your support with cleaning and appointments (in their 50s? Are they in poor health? Do they work?).
However, it seems you are fortunate that you have family support with living (and childcare?).

How old are you? To me, it seems as though despite having had a child and another on the way and marrying, you and your husband have remained in dependant roles within your birth families rather than moving towards your own adult family together.

Long term, do you expect to continue living with your parents? What will happen when they stop working and you (and your husband) need to contribute more financially to the household you live in?

Or do you want to move out with your husband and be your own nuclear family unit?

I don't understand why if one of his siblings moved out, he would have to pay his mother more - why would the sibling not carry on contributing like your dh does?

It will be hard for him to support a family with 2 kids, wife working part time (and on maternity leave) and contribute towards his mother's living or spending if he is earning minimum wage. Something has to give. He needs to earn more or cut back. Paying for his kids is non-negotiable. Giving his middle aged mother spending money is.

You need to have a proper conversation about what both of your priorities are and if your long term plans are compatible. To me it sounds like he is still too enmeshed in his family and their expectations to prioritise you and your children.

So his mum needs 600 spending money a month, but you can manage with a lot less, and can even save. This is what I was trying to explain to h as well. I said I don’t even use that much spending money on myself despite working.

I'm getting déja vu... have you posted about this before?

Either way I'm confused as to why you decided to bring another child into such a shitty situation when your husband doesn't seem to give a stuff about anyone other than his side of family.

Do NOT put your earned money into a joint account with him. And make sure the child benefit money is in your account not his so that you can spend it on your children. His priorities seem to be being the “big man” as far as his family are concerned by supporting his mother and giving loans to his brother ( hint, tell brother about bank loans and zero interest credit cards!) , he seems to assume that you and your parents will support you and your children, rather than him stepping up to his responsibilities.

Mother in law needs to get back on track with job seeking and benefits, if you don’t have the private income to be a lady of leisure you have to suck it up and work.

Wave him off to his precious mum and put in a claim with cms.

He’s a cock lodging moron with his priorities in the wrong place. His first priority should be you and his children. No wonder his mum doesn’t want to work, she’s getting more from her children than benefits.

As for his comment about taking money from adult son, Tell him you wouldn’t demean yourself to live off your children. You have too much self respect.

Stop focusing on how much it is.
Are you actually taking in what people are telling you?
This guy is using you and your parents. Kick him out!
He doesn't respect you. He doesn't give a hoot about you and just does what he wants. Doesn't contribute properly to his own child. Exploits you and would rather scree your savings so his lazy arse mum doesn't have to work.

Fuck that. Kick him out.
It will show him you mean business and he will have to change something or you will be well rid of a incompetent husband.
Win win.

Chuck him out. Claim CMS for child maintenance. Don't look back.

Why on earth are you having a child with this tight-wad?

Really don’t get this at all, if his other siblings are all living at home surely it’s their responsibility to pay the bills ect?

is he maybe assuming that you’ll inherit your parents property one day so he doesn’t have to save to provide a home? I’d be kicking him out as others have said

I would tell him to go to his mums, then.

Enjoy benefits?! Sorry but you lost me at this. Trust me, there is NOTHING to 'enjoy' about benefits! I'm severely disabled so the amount I get is higher than those who are simply unemployed but trust me, those who rely on benefits due to a period of unemployment or being a lone parent with a newborn for example, honestly, they get peanuts.

You're BANG out of order

My parents are in their 70s. My mother had CA so I have been supporting her in the house and all the appointments where I could. Including taking her out shopping/fresh air etc. my dad also has chronic health issues where he can’t walk much etc etc. so I basically take care of them.
i don’t think moving out and leaving them would be an option now, as they get upset at the idea and feel lonely. but I do want to save and buy my own place where we can move in the future, or can rent etc.
my mil on other hand is in her 50’s. If she does not get her way she throws tantrums, and manages some how. For example, we already visit 1-2 x a week, and she wants me to visit more on my day off during week. So she threw a tantrum, and my H told me to visit more which I certainly at this point won’t be doing.

they will show an updated amount of how much each sibling will pay. This convo they had I wasn’t even part of it. Was told at the end when they were telling his mum how much they would be contributing.

Seperate your finances asap. Take out what you have put into joint savings.. He's not going to be contributing to that anyway and has already taken out the loan he gave to BIL without asking you.
You and your parents are subsidsing his family, when his first priority should be you and your two to be children.
He said you mentioned it twice already and became angry. He is not willing to discuss this with you. You are simply expected to obey. As others have already said it doesn't matter how much the sums involved are. This is the principle on which he is going to conduct your future lives.
Is this how you want it to be going forward.
You could offer to attend couple's therapy, but first and foremost you need to protect yourself before he takes your joint savings to his mum's when he goes

Why don’t you send him to his mums for a bit. That way you can feel the freedom of not having a giant twat in your house for a bit. You may like it.

You are going around in circles about how unfair it is and how he is not supporting his family. You are absolutely right he is not doing what he should be doing for you and your children. You cannot make him, if a simple conversation can’t explain to him why he is wrong then he is refusing to see it. You cannot change him but you can ensure your life is better. Send him away for a bit and see how you feel and whether having some time to have a good think will help him see where his priorities lie.

i am sorry if you are offended. But unfortunately some people are not like you and me. I wouldn’t want to be on benefits either. But I can’t think of another reason why she is refusing to work and getting benefits, when she is perfectly able to work.

Why can your lazy MIL not work? Why are all her kids running round enabling her not to work? Please get out of this unhealthy situation. First speak to him about your needs and expectations, and as anothe poster said, as an adult talking to another adult. You need to be firm about what you expect from him as a husband and father - bottom line is he puts you and his DC first.
Then, if that makes no difference, chuck him back to his mother. If he threatens to go, call his bluff (and mean it). Pack his stuff and be done with him. You really don't need a leech like this in your life. A husband is supposed to be responsible and protective of his wife and children.

No my parents don’t own the place. We are renting so I half the rent with h.

So what happens when he goes into his over draft? Does he expect you to foot the bill?

How much does he pay your parents for staying/for hills?

This is all whackjob!

i think he thinks that as he’s earning the money he is entitled to do whatever he wants with it.

Your priority is you and your family . See if you can sit down and talk to him . What is the reason he is getting angry ? You are not being unreasonable. You are trying to work together . If it is too much stress , then leave it . Be smart -look at your situation - priority is you and your children. Have 2 or 3 plans . Don't wait for him to make a decision he sounds rather weak, or bit stressed there are many men like him sadly , get yourself in control of your life and destiny . There are lots of things you can do to make some money. You just need to think outside the box. Just look at your situation and where you will be next year . You have a roof over your head with your parents - so you are safe. You have got this - you are not alone. Keep breathing keep yourself calm , you have baby on the way