Husband paying MIL, am I being unreasonable?

[Kardelen]

MIL lives with her other kids which all have full time jobs, and some good salaries.
Recently her benefits were stopped, so for her to stay at home and not look for jobs, they decided they will share out living costs so that she does not have to work.

so dh contributes nearly 200 a month. I am currently working PT and pregnant with second baby so Will be on mat leave soon which means I won’t be having much income coming in.

he says the 200 is for her spending, but am sure it will be used for their household bills. He doesn’t pay any bills at ours, as we live with my parents due to financial reasons and they want us to save.
when I pointed this out he got very annoyed with me and said he will just go to his mums. He never treats me to anything either, i always pay for my own things, even dinner dates we rarely go to is halved.

am I being unreasonable?

This situation would be intolerable to me. What are you getting out of this?

He is controlling you by threatening to leave, I would let him and changed the locks. If he has taken his contribution of savings out, he needs to contribute living expenses.

YOU MUST SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES. Open a bank account immediately, transfer your savings so he no longer has access.

Your MIL might not get a full pension if she hasn't worked. "Your new State Pension is based on your National Insurance record when you reach State Pension age. You'll usually need to have 10 qualifying years on your National Insurance record to get any new State Pension".

There refusing to help you save for a house of your own and your future but they don't know hubbys helping his family so your not saving anything , i would tell them even if they don't use it they could save it for you and your children i know i would x

First of all, put your money into hard to reach accounts or premium bonds, possibly in your children's names.
If he had emptied the joint savings account of his contribution, please transfer the remaining money out so that he can't access it.
I would also transfer £200 a month to an account in your parents name. If they don't want it, the money can build into a nest egg for you.
Once you've returned to work after this coming maternity leave, it might be good to look into buying a small home, even if you don't intend to move into it anytime soon.
Finally, if your husband has moved back to his mother's, please make a written request for his contribution of child maintenance.
He really needs to wake up and start living in the real world as a fully paid up adult. And please don't listen to him saying his outgoings have increased now that he's at home, I would take the opportunity to point out to him how much it had cost you to carry him whilst you were together.

If he wants to go to his mum's then let him. Also, there's no point in complaining if you're not willing to do anything about it.
No, you shouldn't have to use your savings, what are you going to do when they run out.
Put your savings where he can't reach them and make him pay his share of bills etc for you and the kids. He needs to give you some money during mat leave - tell him what you need from him and if he can't then tell him to go. He's putting his own family before your children and yourself. What example are you setting for your children?

Will his mum get a state pension if she isn't working nor claiming benefits? Has she paid enough into NI?
Not the main point of the thread but it doesn't seem like it makes sense as a plan.

His priorities and loyalties are up the spout.

Let him go. Give bath your surname.

"Treating" someone is buying them a subscription to Gousto/Hello Fresh. It isn't funding their entire life to the detriment of your own family for no reason other than sheer laziness.

This has made me angry on your behalf OP. She's a leech and so is he.

OP seems to have disappeared. I think it is because there is a heavy expectation that she stay married. She has been conditioned to accept that divorcing is a loss of face or respect, and unfortunately her parents probably share the same outlook. So there is deadlock, as she and they will not face the prospect of ditching the loser because of how it will "look". But what about her life and her DC's life? These values are totally up the creek. She needs enough self-rerspect to get out of the marriage, and hope that her parents support her in it. If not, she should move out to somewhere on her own with her DC. Stuff what other people think. Why does it matter compared with a life of misery as a doormat?

The man's an idiot. Get him out and move on.

Yanbu this relationship is doomed tbh

as long as your parents are able to support and help you with the baby I’d call his bluff and let him go back to his mums. You’re better off without him.

unless there is some huge back story that you haven’t explained he is totally unreasonable to prioritise his work shy mum (presume there is no reason she cannot work) over his own family.

Haven't read all the comments so may of already been picked up but I'm sure you have posted this before?

You shouldn't have to ask him for money! You look after his kids for free. The money he earns isn't just his money, it's to support his wife and kids. Giving you $50 a month spends is basically financial abuse. Maybe lok up some resources on financial abuse and see how you feel. How much do you love him? You would be so much better off financially if you separated and got child maintenance from him. Then he'd be surprised at how much children are supposed to cost.

Why are you trying to come up for excuses for his bad behaviour. His money to do what he wants with is not true. Once you have a family then the family comes first. That’s it. His priority is to you and his children. You need to stop trying to find reason for letting him behave like this. I suggest you write down everything you want to say and the exact position financially he needs to contribute. Then you can give him this or use it for your next conversation. Once emotions get the better of you it’s way to miss things. If you have it written down it’s easier and then he has it in writing. If he is not prepared to provide equally for his family then I would question his loyalties. Absolutely do not under any circumstances give him access to your savings. He is being selfish and taking advantage of you and your parent’s generosity. If he refuses to put you guys first then he should go and stay with his mum. Also, she sounds just lazy.

Let him run to mummy. Probably what he's done every time his feelings get hurt.

Is there a reason why his mum can't work? Where is her husband in all this? Is she disabled, or can't speak English? It seems very odd to take money given that you are pregnant. Have you been with this guy for a long time?

If the MIL is not working, she won’t get a full state pension unless paid enough NI Contributions.
Anyway she still has at least 15 years before state pension age!
Your partner doesn’t live with MIL so why should he contribute to her bills/spending when he doesn’t contribute to yours when he actually lives there & uses the facilities!?
You & children are his first responsibility.
And you contribute in child care, parent’s care aw well as earn money, so you have equal say if not more in financial matters!
If you’re not married, get rid of him to his Mum’s!
If you’re married, I would divorce now while kids are too young to know any different.
Let him take equal responsibility to care for them.
Also you can then save & buy your own property without having to share it out with him as you would if divorce later.
Good luck.

If you can’t discuss without tears, make a list of your issues. Will help clarify things in your mind.

That's ridiculous. Why can't see work? Is it beneath her? I could understand him helping her out as a one off but effectively supporting her!?!