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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

251 replies

Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:02

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/10/2022 14:13

I would, but be prepared for her not to believe leave you.
And you both need STI tests.

Northernparent68 · 30/10/2022 14:25

Be honest, You want to tell the wife to hurt him. You did nt care about her when you were having a relationship with her husband. So to answer your question no you should n’t tell the wife

Toomanysleepycats · 30/10/2022 14:31

Previously when women have been in your situation most posters have said that if they were the wife they would want to know.

Ok your behaviour was wrong once your discovered the truth, but his behaviour is far far worse. He approached you and lied from the very first moment.

Take a bit of time to calm down. But I would want to know if I was married to such a manipulative cess -pit of a liar.

womanofthemoon · 30/10/2022 14:34

I would personally want to know. I’d also want to know so I could get a STI test (not saying you have an STI , but if he’s done this with you he could’ve done this with lots of other people).

Mydogisanaughtyboy · 30/10/2022 14:40

This happened to me - in waaay too deep when I discovered he had a partner - then we made plans to move on together while I got divorced. All he needed was time he said.....absolute BOLLOCKS!! They never leave their wives....
And yes, I fucking told her to cause as much hurt as he'd caused me and don't regret one second of it. They are still together, tied financially in huge debt and miserable while I have soared.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 14:44

He stole her choices and consent. In your shoes, I would return them to her.

Doesn’t she deserve to have agency over her own life….just as you do?

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:45

womanofthemoon · 30/10/2022 14:34

I would personally want to know. I’d also want to know so I could get a STI test (not saying you have an STI , but if he’s done this with you he could’ve done this with lots of other people).

I fully believe im not the only one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:47

Toomanysleepycats · 30/10/2022 14:31

Previously when women have been in your situation most posters have said that if they were the wife they would want to know.

Ok your behaviour was wrong once your discovered the truth, but his behaviour is far far worse. He approached you and lied from the very first moment.

Take a bit of time to calm down. But I would want to know if I was married to such a manipulative cess -pit of a liar.

Thankyou
I know my behaviour was utterly wrong Jonnie can make me feel any worse about that than I do.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/10/2022 14:49

I was that wife. I absolutely would have wanted to know, and I think you should tell her. I agree though, that if he is clever about it, she may not believe you.

Bathtubbathing · 30/10/2022 14:51

Yes, tell her.

I think it's kind to give her the information her husband is denying her. I wish someone had told me about my ex cheating.

Cheeseandlobster · 30/10/2022 14:54

Mydogisanaughtyboy · 30/10/2022 14:40

This happened to me - in waaay too deep when I discovered he had a partner - then we made plans to move on together while I got divorced. All he needed was time he said.....absolute BOLLOCKS!! They never leave their wives....
And yes, I fucking told her to cause as much hurt as he'd caused me and don't regret one second of it. They are still together, tied financially in huge debt and miserable while I have soared.

Yes but you also caused his wife pain and tied to someone because of debt. Someone who didnt deserve that. You carried on when you knew he was married so you were not exactly innocent in all that happened. And you talk about soaring yourself. Shame on you. Absolutely disgusting

scarletisjustred · 30/10/2022 14:56

You made a mistake. I'm pretty sure you'll never make that mistake again. I'm not being horrible but I can't see the attraction of a married man for a single woman who wants a partner. As a first step they're clearly lying to their wife. Even if they do leave their wife, they lose half their assets so are financially scraping along, are up for child support and you have resentful stepchildren cluttering up your weekend. I would get an STI check. I'm on the fence about telling the wife. She may well know exactly what he is like. I'm not averse to the idea of hurting him back but I honestly don't know that it will make you feel better.

PermanentTemporary · 30/10/2022 14:56

I would say for your own sake just walk away completely from him and his life. Maybe she deserves to know but it doesn't have to be you that tells her, he sounds an idiot and she will find out one day. Just close the door and move on as soon as you can.

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:59

I know this is what I really need to do

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 30/10/2022 15:10

Yes, tell the wife. She deserves to know she’s with a cheating lying scum bag. Let her know you’re available for a chat.

Autumnisclose · 30/10/2022 15:16

I'd tell her. I'd like to pretend it was for her own sake, but really it would be to stop him in his tracks and get some retribution. As bad as that sounds, that's the truth. I think it's the same for you as you would have told her as soon as you knew otherwise.

Thatskindafun · 30/10/2022 15:17

if it were my DH I’d want to know, but equally if you tell her I really think you’re just doing it to hurt him and blow up his life
because if you actually cared about her you wouldn’t have continued to shag her husband

that’s not me trying to be harsh, just an honest fact. I think you’ll justify it in your head as for her benefit but you genuinely weren’t that bothered about her life or her feelings a few weeks ago so why are you now suddenly?

also I would be repulsed by a married man, and also by a man who didn’t see his own child, so you need to figure out why you were into that and willing to ignore so many red flags

MyOnlyDays · 30/10/2022 15:19

I'm not convinced your motivation for telling her are right but if I were her I would want to know. You've really behaved horribly and you've made so many weak excuses. I hope you've learnt from them.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 30/10/2022 15:21

I'd tell her.

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 15:23

Yes because she's married the cheating bastard.

rockingbird · 30/10/2022 15:25

Please her, give facts and screen shots and plenty of proof. He's told you lie after lie. I've been the wife.. I was told (not too much detail and could have done with more). Just be honest and kind, apologise but be sure to let her know what a dirty lying husband she has.

Mydogisanaughtyboy · 30/10/2022 15:26

Cheeseandlobster · 30/10/2022 14:54

Yes but you also caused his wife pain and tied to someone because of debt. Someone who didnt deserve that. You carried on when you knew he was married so you were not exactly innocent in all that happened. And you talk about soaring yourself. Shame on you. Absolutely disgusting

Show quote history

They weren't married and the financial burden was him paying off her debt - not my problem at the end of the day - they always had a choice. Leaving them to stew in their own mess is hardly my fault. At least I came clean with with my EXH when I developed feelings for someone else and we decided to divorce....so forgive me for really not giving a shit...
Yes I rebuilt my life and worked hard to do so. So wind your neck in.

Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 15:27

MyOnlyDays · 30/10/2022 15:19

I'm not convinced your motivation for telling her are right but if I were her I would want to know. You've really behaved horribly and you've made so many weak excuses. I hope you've learnt from them.

Believe me I know I have behaved appallingly. Yes they were weak excuses. But I’m a weak human being. And I craved the attention.
I know how wrong it was and it’s not something I would ever put anyone through again

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 15:34

rockingbird · 30/10/2022 15:25

Please her, give facts and screen shots and plenty of proof. He's told you lie after lie. I've been the wife.. I was told (not too much detail and could have done with more). Just be honest and kind, apologise but be sure to let her know what a dirty lying husband she has.

I’m sorry you had to go through that and I’m really sorry I’ve put someone else through that.
I have screen shots of everything now from our first conversation when he was telling me he was single. I know people think I’m lying when I say I don’t want to hurt her. And I’m not angel I know that but I just feel she should be able to make up her own mind if she wants to stay with him

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 15:36

You’re no longer in the dark, but she is. That’s not right.

Make sure sure to inform her in a way that he can’t intercept, and provide proof.