Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

God I’m not even surprised.

OP you were wrong for continuing it but I do think you should give the wife the heads up and let her have the information to be fully informed and protect herself and her own family.

and now, because the longer you leave the the bigger the web he will spin in preparation

Yeah this really doesn’t sound like someone who has soared.

Still keeping tabs on someone and feeling pleased their innocent wife is stuck and miserable.

its the opposite of soaring.

I really don't get the whole 'walk away and don't cause the downfall of her marriage' brigade

The marriage is already fucked. He's Cheated. For a whole year. (With the op. Let's face it. There'll be others. Maybe at the same time) The marriage is all based on lies and deceit.

How can anyone say 'if I was the woman I'd want to know' but at the same time 'walk away'

If nothing else you owe it to the only wronged innocent party in this mess. Not to split up the family. He's fucked it already. But to give her all the facts to make her own decision.

Yes she can choose to stay. But that's her decision. How anyone could allow someone to live an entire lie and not tell them I don't know.

In case anyones thinking I have a vested interest as a wronged wife. I've actually been the unwitting ow. I found out he was married. I told her because fuck me id want to know. She was understanding with me. Could see from my messages he'd clearly lied about everything. As far as I know they've stuck it out. But my conscience is clear. It's entirely up to her to stay.

Relishing the innocent woman’s misery? Not much to be proud of in your posts Mydog.

Yes you should tell her. I've been on the other side and I wish someone had told me. Even better if they'd given me some kind of proof so he wouldn't try and wriggle out of it.
She might not believe you initially. She might not want to, but it's likely she has her own suspicions. What she does isn't your problem, but please let her have all the information to make her own choice.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You did a shitty thing by continuing with the relationship when you found out about her, but the fault is his. You've walked away now. Just try and look at what made you believe you didn't deserve better and why you didn't walk away when you first found out.

@Mydogisanaughtyboy
Revelling in another woman’s pain, pain that you were partly responsible for, and to be so proud of it. I reckon you are the bottom of the barrel, as most cheats are.
If you’d pulled your knickers up and walked away when you found he was married maybe then you could say you soared , as it stands nah, you’re just bitter.

I'd tread carefully.
Give yourself time to mull this over.
How you feel now may not be how you feel in a month or a year's time.

One thing I'd be worried about is any fall-out from the man.
He's police. Can you be sure he won't make your life hard in some way as his own revenge for telling his wife?

There is always this 'sisterly' tribe on MN when these things happen.
They believe in telling all to the wife. The ones whose H's played away said they'd want to know. Well, they ended up finding out anyway. So that's a pretty weak argument.

I'm not so sure.

You have no idea how the wife will react.

She may turn on YOU and call you all sorts of names, saying you encouraged him.
She may not believe you.
She may know and choose to stay with him for the sake of their kids.
She may even be settling the score by having an affair herself.

Like other posters have said, examine your motives. If they are to make the shit hit the fan (for him) you can't be 100% it will work.

Look at it another way, that you are, potentially, going to wreck the marriage because both you and him had an affair. You are just as guilty as he is.

Unless you want to prolong the unhappiness for yourself, maybe walk away from it and leave them to it.

I do Thank You all for your comments .

A lot of them have hit home and I do know what a shit horrible person i was to continue in the situation.
But I can't change what I did.

He's been trying to contact me through friends on social media, firstly asking to meet to talk and now cause i won't hes begging me not to tell his wife.

I have made contact with her over email with minimal details and we have arranged to speak tomorrow night when he's at work. It does sound like she already knew but didn't have any proof

@Alexkit1980, it’s good that you reached out to her. She’s been unsettled about him and now will finally have answers and proof.

Oh well, you've done it now.

Did you use your real name and email, or invent a new one?

(And how did you know hers?)

I used a second email and her email is easy to find as she is quite well known in her semi professional sport it's widely available on the internet

Not read everything (sorry) just the initial post. But the wife deserves to know. If I was her, I would want to be told. She may be extremely hurt, or she may not believe you etc...but I really think it's irrelevant how she takes the information you give her. She is being lied to and it will carry on permanently unless you or anyone else that he does this with has the guts to tell her. In my opinion telling her and then moving on with your own life is 100% the right thing to do.

If she prefers to turn a blind eye, she can choose to ignore the information. But I think most people wouldn't want to carry on living a lie and to have their health etc at risk because of a cheating partner.

Look at it another way, that you are, potentially, going to wreck the marriage because both you and him had an affair. You are just as guilty as he is.

Tellung the wife isn't going to wreck the marriage, the marriage is already wrecked by the fact he cheated, period. Her being kept in the dark doesn't make them have a good marriage, the wife just has the illusion of a good marriage and the wreckage from this bomb will only become more devastating the longer this secret festers.

It will be a heck of a lot worse when she stumbles upon his emails or texts etc, or his 5th, 6th, 7th affair partner (who had also been lied to by him) comes forward...but now she has more children and assets with him etc and a much more difficult situation to extract herself from (should that be what she wants to do).

well done.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Like a previous poster said, this man wrecked his marriage when he fucked someone else. Repeatedly.

The one did same thing to me is a firefighter lol

You've done the right thing, particularly as she's already had her suspicions. Now she won't feel like she's going crazy and she can decide how she wants to proceed.

although it turns out when I told it's the third affair she knows about

I’m fully expecting that I’m not the first. And most probably not the last.
no matter what anyone has said. Yes I am bitter of course I am and fully prepared for any consequences of my shitty actions.

block him. It's been a week for me and it's tough

Just be calm and factual when you speak to her, as in when and where and how long it was going on. It needn't be a long conversation and you really don't need to detail your, ahem, actual 'encounters'. Nor should you try to justify or explain to her why you did what you did. But you do need to apologize for your part in her pain.

It may be that she will be calm and factual, too, because she's already worked some things through and is just looking for confirmation.

But something else to remember. You needn't listen to abuse from her. A bit of blowing off steam or 'how could you', maybe. But if she gets ugly or nasty with you, you're entitled to end the phone call.

I'm so glad you've told her, she must have been so confused sensing something was up, gaslighting is so cruel. Answers is exactly what she needs now to start moving forward.

I hope after you've spoken to her, you move onto working out what drove you to pick such a loser and then find happiness.

Well done op

I think this is good advice. You’ve done the right thing. I hope she can find peace and you can also move on op.

@Alexkit1980 I have made contact with her over email with minimal details and we have arranged to speak tomorrow night when he's at work. It does sound like she already knew but didn't have any proof.

That to me sounds like she well knows, maybe not about you but "specifically" about hubby cheating, and she's probably adopted an "ignorance is bliss" attitude all her marriage because for x or y reasons it was convenient. He sounds like a total narcissist who thought he had it all figured it out and all this power over you and now he's totally freaking out because he's going to get exposed.

F_ck him.