Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

I would want to know.

There is no way I would want to be with him.

Maybe it's for a kind of closure but defiantly not because I want him back

I’d want to know too! I think you should tell the wife - whatever your personal reasons are for wanting to tell her. She deserves to know and deserves to make her own choice.

Ive been the long term girlfriend, had been in the middle of buying a very expensive house together and (now ex) DP had been meeting up with a speaking to several other women. One of them messaged me to tell me, in fact she sent me lots of the messages between them.

I was grateful she did - it stopped me from making what would have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life - it was however MY CHOICE to leave. I’ve literally no negative thoughts about the other woman, she had been strung along too and had been told that I was an on/off girlfriend and we were nothing serious - we lived together and had blended our children.

Since then I’ve discovered that he has done the same to several women since me - once a cheat always a cheat.

And I don't think you speak for ''most women''. As far as I am concerned I would focus my anger on the married man who is lying to his wife and actively preyed on a woman by pretending to be single.

I agree that she should know but I think coming from OP is going to hurt more.

And I can only say what has happened IME.

A women is not going (or shouldn’t have to) stay calm when you’ve been having an affair with her husband knowing full well he’s in a relationship.

The person in the relationship is 100% to blame here but IME when affairs have come out the OW doesn’t just get to walk away from it.
Coming clean comes with its own consequences too.

Have you told her yet?

Op, I’ll be honest.
I’ve been the wife in this situation. You are only telling her to hurt him. Please don’t let on that you’re doing this ‘for her benefit’.
do it or don’t, I kicked him out, but don’t say it’s for his wife’s benefit.
oh, by the way, my ex is now with his ow and five years later, he is still asking me to sleep with him at every opportunity so he is no prize.

No. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. When I've been so much in the wrong too. I know he will manage tonralk his way out of it even tho I have so many messages. It seems nearly pointless

No, I wouldnt tell his wife, simply because I dont believe a marriage can recover in any meaningful way from a year long affair.
You are upset because he has told you he is happy with his wife, he has no intention of leaving her and you feel rejected, understandably.
However, you have the option to walk away from this man far easier than his wife does.
It's highly likely his wife will choose to stay with him, but their marriage will forever be marred by his affair.
I couldnt do that to another woman, shred her life to bits, tear her heart out and stamp all over it, destroy her childrens security and all they know, just so I could have 'closure' whatever that means.

How will you feel knowing you have destroyed his wife's trust in him, marriage and family, because you wanted 'closure'.
This is not his wife's fault at all, yet she will pay the heaviest price.
I would not want to be responsible for raining this bomb down on her life.
What has she ever done to you?

It isn’t pointless. Let his wife decide what to do with the information.

Completely agree with this. Leave it alone.

You want to tell her to get to him. You are using her as a pawn in a game against him. You have known for a good while he was involved. You aren’t a victim. She is the only victim.

But I also think she should know. However, give her all the information in one go. Answer her questions. Block him and never contact him again. Do not ‘check in’ with her trying to get more information and wether she stated or left.

She is a person. With feelings and emotions. She doesn’t need you using her to keep the drama going. She doesn’t need you using her as a connection to him. She doesn’t need you to keep running to her telling her stuff then engaging with him.

She does have a right to know. But don’t pretend you are doing this for her and don’t use to stay connected to him or to harm him.

You should tell her so she has all the facts to make decisions about her life.

HE was online looking for sex, HE lied to you, his wife deserves to know he's out there looking for sex/relationships. Not that it's much better but he didn't meet you by accident, he was looking.

I know you feel bad, but you're not the first & wont be the last.

you might be telling her to hurt him, but meh, she deserves to know what he's up to, whatever your motivation.

Send her a message telling her how it came about & how sorry you are you didn't see through him sooner. Tell her there was a week he went quite quiet in you & give her the dates. Tell her you have messages & photos but will only send them if she wants to you and ask if she has any questions.

Dont just dump run & block . That's really cruel & answering any questions really is the least you can do.

but forgive yourself for believing him & not having the strength to leave him immediately you found out. You want to be loved & wanted, it's not a crime, but you do need to learn to weed out the unavailable/undesirable twats out 🌷

I'm going to take you at your word that you are done with him and have no desire to have him back. So my post is based on that premise.

Whether it's to inform the wife that she's married to a cheating scumbag or it's to 'get back' at him really doesn't matter. The wife deserves to know. She is unwittingly living a lie and deserves to be able to live a 'true' life, whatever that means to her.

As long as OP words her message as 'neutrally' as she can (just the facts) and apologizes for whatever part she may have unwittingly played in the deception he's perpetrated and provides whatever evidence she has to back it up, she's done what she can and done the right thing.

How the wife chooses to move forward is her decision. She can choose to disbelieve or believe. She can choose to stay or go. But it needs to be HER choice and, at this point, only the OP appears to be able to give her that choice. By telling her the truth.

OP, carefully phrase your message, attach proof, send it, then block them both. If you wish to answer any questions she may have, tell her you will block her number after 24 or 48 hours. But block him immediately.

The ‘is there anything I can do so that you won’t tell my wife’ comment would make me tell her right away. He’s taken you both for a ride and if that was my husband I would absolutely want to know.

Sorry I hope I'm not being insensitive because it's not my intention. Is it not better you are no longer with your cheating husband, particularly as he's still cheating (or at least trying to) on OW? That is clearly who he is so you would have found out at some point but maybe have wasted more years?

I told and blocked. feel better now

I agree with this.

If you don't want to hurt her, then don't tell her.
I'm not sure your motives are entirely selfless, as you haven't been so considerate up until now. You're not exactly the last word in moral standards.
In any case, it's their marriage, not yours. You don't have the right to break it up. Why do you want to do this?
Walk away, put this behind you and never do it again!

Don’t inflict pain on her because you’re in pain and want him to pay for it.
Walk away and ffs get yourself some dignity and keep away from married men.
If one day you get a taste of your own medicine, you’ll deserve it.

I would tell her due to the huge duplicity of it all. If it was a one night stand or a silly work fling I’d probably keep quiet. But it’s a huge betrayal to live a double life for all that time. If I was the wife I’d want to know how much of an utter pig I was married to so I could not waste another second of my life on him.

No. Telling someone something that could shatter their life is a huge responsibility and should be done only by someone who cares for the person and knows them well enough to know for sure its in their interests to know at that time and from that person. Dropping a bomb into a strangers life is hugely irresponsible.
The people on here urging you on are projecting their own feelings onto his wife. Because they would want to know they can't imagine corcumstances when it wouldn't be the right thing. When in reality there are many, which as a stranger, you have no way of knowing whether they apply.

Well.
Every woman deserves to know what a cheating scum bag she has placed her trust in.

But do you have the right to play that role? Given that you fully enjoyed the relationship and drama. You hooked up with a guy with sketchy details, you ignored the big red flags uncovered by your friend… and now you want to destroy another woman’s life only because you have finally realised you can’t have him.

it isn’t now your role to play heroine, and tell yourself what a great favour you are doing her, while enjoying revenge in him.

She will come to her own realisation.

TaKe some time for some rigorous reflection, block him, and look forwards.

So sad to read some of these posts. This is how men get away with cheating on their wives.

She is at risk of catching a potentially life threatening STD from this man, she is at risk of making major decisions involving her young family and finances without knowing how duplicitous her husband is, potentially endangering her financial security. She is most definitely being lied to, being played, most likely being gas lit and told she's crazy, and half the people on the thread just think she should carry on being abused.

It doesn't matter what the OPs intentions are, the wife needs to know. And for the record, it wouldn't be the OP breaking up the marriage by telling her the truth, it'd be the husband having the affair!!!!

My sibling was told by the other person (a note left on the car) and it wreaked havoc for quite a while, four years later they’ve finally seen the light ….they don’t always believe you and he will lie and spin his own web on this, but if it was me I would want to know, even if it meant your world crumbling around you!

Amazing OP you were not feeling pointless when shagging a married man whilst thinking he was leaving his wife and family for you, but are now?

Telling the wife is the very least you can do for her after being compicit in her year long abuse by a cheating low life husband and make no mistake... cheating and the associated lying, gaslighting, stonewalling etc of an is abuse!

As an active co-conspiritor in compromising her sexual and mental health, you should do the decent and responsible thing.....regardless of your motives. Her right to sexual consent with full disclosure was been taken from her (rape by deception) as obviously you realised he was still sexually active with her whilst shagging you. Her right to personal agency to make decisions about her life with all the facts in front of her was taken from her by the lies spun by both of you.

As a wife once in this position with a husband engaged in false reconciliation post affair, I beg you to tell her. If OW had told me it would have saved me wasting over a year with a lying low life cheater. It would have saved me being backed into a corner and left almost penniless financially as he committed financial infidelity post affair.

She deserves to know!