Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

251 replies

Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:02

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

OP posts:
Readaboutyourself · 30/10/2022 20:31

I think you should focus on yourself. Even now you’re all about him.

Look for a therapist and work out why you were willing to be part of this.

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 20:35

He’s a cunt and you need to work on your self esteem. You won’t be his first or last and you probably weren’t his only.

For that reason I’d want the wife to know, but know this, you will be the one demonised.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 20:40

I know he will manage to talk his way out of it even tho I have so many messages. It seems nearly pointless.

Pointless? Alex, you have an opportunity to do right by this betrayed woman. There’s a chance that she has been unsettled for a long time, and you can give her answers. Even if she’s had no clue, she deserves to know. How is it fair for you to know the truth but not her?

If she sees the evidence, you cannot assume that he’ll be able to talk her round.

Are you really going to continue to collude with him by withholding vital information about her life?

Catlover1970 · 30/10/2022 20:42

Cheeseandlobster · 30/10/2022 14:54

Yes but you also caused his wife pain and tied to someone because of debt. Someone who didnt deserve that. You carried on when you knew he was married so you were not exactly innocent in all that happened. And you talk about soaring yourself. Shame on you. Absolutely disgusting

Show quote history

Agree

dontputitthere · 30/10/2022 20:44

In what way pointless?

You mean he'll get away with it?

In which case you're doing it for the wrong reason. You want to hurt him.

Just put yourself in her shoes. For fucks sake do it for her. She's been sleeping with a man who's been fucking around. At least give her the opportunity to get std checks.

It's not about you. It's not even about him.
She deserves to know the truth. Then she can decide what she wants to do.

Fucks sake. Stop with the pity party. You knew he was married with at least one kid and that didn't stop you. Do the right thing for once.

SandyY2K · 30/10/2022 20:48

Whilst I would defintely want to know if I was the wife, this kind of thing can cause you serious physical harm.

A lot of violent crime stems from affairs. It's probably because I watch a lot of true crime and see this kind of thing.

Remember he knows where you live.

Worriedpartner1234 · 30/10/2022 20:49

Tell the wife. She deserves to know. It is her choice to make to stay with him or walk away and she has the right to know to make that choice.

fortygin · 30/10/2022 21:12

InsertSomethingInspiring · 30/10/2022 19:32

Sorry I hope I'm not being insensitive because it's not my intention. Is it not better you are no longer with your cheating husband, particularly as he's still cheating (or at least trying to) on OW? That is clearly who he is so you would have found out at some point but maybe have wasted more years?

Show quote history

Oh of course it’s better. I’m just pointing out that the reason for telling is not for the wife’s sake.
He is with the OW as I don’t want a cheater.

Winceybincey · 30/10/2022 21:12

You need to tell her. I don’t think there’s a woman alive (except those that would allow it/turn a blind eye for whatever reason) that would rather not know than know, irrelevant of who the messenger is. I would 100% want to know - especially from the OW as there’s more chance of getting all the info that I’d want than if it was from a friend etc.

chances are is that she’s been suspecting something but hasn’t got the proof. It may not be as earth shattering as you’d believe if she already suspects something has been going on, and she may even be relieved once she finally has the answers.

TheHumanExperience · 30/10/2022 21:36

bettyfreddy · 30/10/2022 15:47

I always put myself in the position of the wife in this situation and would I want to know. Yes I absolutely would.

My best friend was once in a very similar situation. She didn't want to be the one to break up his family but she felt his wife deserved to know.

She sent him a mid week text when she knew he was at work saying she had spoken with his wife and she knew absolutely everything about their affair and his relationship. She said they had spoken on the phone and spent the morning talking about it all. She then blocked him on absolutely everything.

She of course hadn't told the wife anything. We never found out what happens but social media shows that they are no longer together. It was her way of getting him to admit the truth without her doing it. Would love to know what happened or even if that was the cause of their break up.

@Alexkit1980

This is a way to let her know without you telling her.

ssinhk · 30/10/2022 21:39

Any chance we were approached by the same guy…………..

ssinhk · 30/10/2022 21:41

Do you know his job?

Cheeseandlobster · 30/10/2022 21:47

Mydogisanaughtyboy · 30/10/2022 15:26

They weren't married and the financial burden was him paying off her debt - not my problem at the end of the day - they always had a choice. Leaving them to stew in their own mess is hardly my fault. At least I came clean with with my EXH when I developed feelings for someone else and we decided to divorce....so forgive me for really not giving a shit...
Yes I rebuilt my life and worked hard to do so. So wind your neck in.

Show quote history

Drip drip. And let me guess. HE told you they were his wife's debts at the same time he said she didn't understand him? Yes you might have told your husband but you still carried on trying to be with a man in a long term relationship when you knew he wasnt available. STILL disgusting. Especially with the smug "I am soaring" comment. You are soaring at the expense of another woman who never asked for this. Yet you have justified this in your own head. I stand by what I said earlier. It is abhorrent

Cheeseandlobster · 30/10/2022 21:48

@Mydogisanaughtyboy sorry "partner". Still the same thing really

Adca · 30/10/2022 21:59

Yes, tell her. Imagine you were her. Would you want to know? I would.

User301022 · 30/10/2022 22:18

I know people will say that you'd only be telling her because you're bitter.

Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. Either way, you should 100% tell her. She deserves to know. Whether or not she believes you is another issue entirely. I'd make contact. Then when she responds, send her EVERYTHING. All the details, screenshots etc. Then move on with your life.

OldFan · 30/10/2022 22:23

Tell her for sure @Alexkit1980 .

paintitallover · 30/10/2022 23:16

I don't think it matters whether you tell her or not. To avoid a repeat, I think you need to accept more responsibility for ignoring the endless red flags and carrying on the situation with him. He's a spineless twat, but you know, he didn't "make " you do anything, you did. You chose to be "weak".

Thistlelass · 30/10/2022 23:17

I don't think you should tell her. It is going to be very hard for you but you just need to consider this to be in your past. And for all you know, maybe the wife has realised he was playing away! She may have had a tip off from someone else.

FootStillOn · 30/10/2022 23:20

Yes tell her, he totally ducked with you and doesn’t deserve to get away with this. It’ll be hard for his wife but she does need to know.

Musti · 31/10/2022 03:37

I would want to know if I was his wife.

pocketvenuss · 31/10/2022 03:53

Northernparent68 · 30/10/2022 14:25

Be honest, You want to tell the wife to hurt him. You did nt care about her when you were having a relationship with her husband. So to answer your question no you should n’t tell the wife

The motivation may be revenge but that doesn't mean she shouldn't tell the wife.

pinheadlarry · 31/10/2022 03:53

No don't tell her, her husband needs to tell her the truth
Just stay out of it, otherwise you will become the scapegoat and be blamed

pocketvenuss · 31/10/2022 03:55

Mydogisanaughtyboy · 30/10/2022 14:40

This happened to me - in waaay too deep when I discovered he had a partner - then we made plans to move on together while I got divorced. All he needed was time he said.....absolute BOLLOCKS!! They never leave their wives....
And yes, I fucking told her to cause as much hurt as he'd caused me and don't regret one second of it. They are still together, tied financially in huge debt and miserable while I have soared.

You say you were too deep when you discovered he was cheating... BUT YOU WERE MARRIED TOO!!! I don't get your outrage

A580Hojas · 31/10/2022 04:11

Your post is extraordinarily self pitying. You were seeing a man you knew was married for months! "But I was in too deep, I was weak" is no kind of excuse at all. Do not tell his wife as an act of revenge - have a bit more class. And take responsibility for your 50/50 role in this horrible mess.

Swipe left for the next trending thread