Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

This is misplaced. You are only trying to hurt him by telling his wife. You had loads of chances to leave before, but you chose not to. You didn't care about his wife then. You had no concern for her before. Don't make out that your doing all women a favour by doing it for her now.

He is a police officer

I wouldn't tell the wife. She'll find out about his philandering eventually, if she doesn't know already. Put this relationship and everyone associated with it firmly in your past. Next time, be way more careful before you give your love and trust to someone. Good luck.

I know how wrong it was and it’s not something I would ever put anyone through again

Because????? You are no longer ‘weak’, realised he was never going to leave his wife or have finally found your self respect. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, there’s a reason why you continued the relationship after becoming aware of his wife.

I’m totally not buying this faux ‘I’m a terrible weak person’ attempt at self flagellation. Tell his wife if you want but spare us the altruist bs.

I would contact her, send her some of his messages as proof and explain that you simply did not know he was married or had a child at the start. but presumably that you carried on shagging him until you realised that he wasn’t going to leave her for you.

Let’s not pretend you’re doing this for any other reason than because you hope he’ll come back to you.

and all this “he asked if he could hold me one last time” come on. It sounds like a badly written novel.

yes he’s an arsehole. But all this “he managed to talk me round.” “I was helpless.” No, you weren’t. You were willingly shagging a married man, and the only reason you want to tell his wife is because you feel bitter towards her because he is with her and not you.

Had you found out he was married and then told the wife because you felt she deserved to know it would be one thing. But let’s not pretend your motives are genuine here. They’re not.

Regardless of whether your motives are revenge or because you think she should know, I would tell her. He is chasing young women online and pretending to be single and childless.

Of course you should tell her. You don’t hide other people’s bad behaviour. That’s tantamount to condoning it. If it was me I would definitely want to know so at least I’d be taking decisions about my future safe in the knowledge that I was at least had full possession of the knowledge of the kind of man I was married to.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself. You aren’t some innocent angel and your explanations for your own behaviour are weak and self serving. Spend some time working on yourself and be more proactive in making better decisions for your own well-being.

"He is a police officer"

This doesn't surprise me. Shift work brings opportunities for affairs and avoiding suspicion. I know of police officers having affairs.

When I found out my exdh was having an affair with a married woman I didn't tell the husband. Why? Because I didn't want another layer of drama and hassle, I was dealing with enough without having to deal with her and her dh. Do I regret not telling her dh? Hell yes! Once the dust had settled and she went back to living her old life, her family none the wiser I was very bitter and pissed off that she'd destroyed my life and future (and my exdh had too), and she'd had no repercussions. But looking back, I wanted to tell him to hurt her, so she'd experience some of the pain she'd inflicted on me. I'm now remarried and that was over 10 years ago, if it happened again I would tell the dh, but only because I'd want to know if roles were reversed. It's the lying and deceit that causes the damage and I'd hate to be married under false pretences

I believe no one should meddle in someone's marriage issues.

It's not your role to play judge and jury.

In all these stories, no one knows the other side. She may already know and choose to accept him as he is.

Your instinct is to hurt him- revenge.
It's not your role to destroy a marriage.
He's doing that fine, all by himself. She will either know or find out somehow without your help.

Keep your head up high. The high moral ground is gained by walking away, not joining him in the gutter.

@LyndaLovelace
I believe no one should meddle in someone's marriage issues.

OP already seems to have done this by continuing an affair once she became aware he was a lying cheating adulterer.

His wife deserves to know!

Please tell her OP, I wish someone had told me about my ex husband's affairs and saved me years of confusion, pain and torment. You owe her that much, from there she can then decide what to do with the information .

@Ratherperplexed But two wrongs don't make it right.

IME no good comes out of telling.

It's pure revenge, or some warped idea that the OW is doing the wife a good turn.

The risk is that the messenger will be shot although I expect she will go 'anon'.
So it won't be proof anyway. You might be batted away as some loony woman.

The other risk is he will simply deny it and their life will carry on as normal.

You also need to be careful @Alexkit1980 that if you do tell, he won't do something in revenge, against you.

FWIW, someone close to me in my extended family got a 'poison pen' letter telling them their wife was playing away. They ignored it and the marriage continued till their deaths.

@Cheeseandlobster absolutely agree. Soared my arse. Despicable cesspit behaviour. Deluded too.

I was the OW so i understand what you are going through, the complete disgust you have in your self and the regret.

I believed everything he said because of course he was diffrent, we weren't like all the other affairs we loved each other bla bla bla.

I didn't tell the wife but she found out. And do you know what the 'love of my life did' blamed it all on me. Told everyone i was a psycho who chased him and he didn't want to know. I had evidence that the wife wanted to see evwn tho she had already seen it all so knew the truth. She chose to go along with his story regardless.

I never showed anything, i kept my head down because i deserved it all. But yes he got off free and lives the life, while i still struggle with the heartache and shock that it was all lies and he used me.

So by all means tell the wife, just be prepared that she will more than likely in the same head space of being convinced he is the man of her dreams like we did.

I would want to know if I was the wife

Yeah frame it any way it suits you... bitter much? Come down of your lofty moral perch - the lack of oxygen is clearly affecting your brain....

I'd you do tell her, can you provide her with proof, ie screenshots and photos etc.

These aren't to rub it in but to back up what you are saying in case he denies it to her!

If you tell the wife, tell her because you genuinely want her to know who her husband is not out of spite. I would want to know pets

*personally. Have all your proof ready.

I’d tell the wife.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it’s very differcult to extract yourself once you’re already tangled up and involved with someone. It’s him who tricked you.

I’ve been on both sides of this. My ex fiancé (he was police too) cheated on me right before our wedding (obviously was then cancelled). It hurt to find out people knew but hadn’t told me. I wish I’d known.

Then I met a guy at work. Started flirting, lots of phone calls etc. This went on a few weeks as we both flew for a living and literally weren’t in the same country at the same time for a while. Arranged to meet. He cancelled at the last minute and went quiet. I got a phone call from his wife, who had found my texts. He’d told her I was a silly stalker type from work. His wife and I had a civilised conversation. I told her it had happened to me and I’d never knowingly put someone else through it. She said she needed proof, he’d deleted all the texts he’d sent me (back in the days of old phones). So I sent her some of his texts as evidence, then left her to it. A year or so later I flew with a friend of theirs and learned his wife had divorced him.

So yes, I’d gently and factually tell the wife. Then step away. What she does is then her concern.

Bitter how? I don't think I have ever been cheated on though of course I may have and just never knew. I have also never cheated or been an ow. So my comments come from a non skewed perspective. You basically shat on another woman from a great height and have the front to be smug about soaring as you put it. I just called you out on it and others here have already agreed with me.

Hmm. Honest answer? Depends on your honest motivation I think. You were very prepared to let him chest with you, knowing how much it was going to hurt his wife when you thought there was any chance he was going to leave his wife for you. Now he's chosen you want to tell her.
You are hurting badly and at the moment, quite understandably you want to hurt him and possibly see him rejected in the way he has rejected you. I believe you don't want to hurt his wife but you do want to hurt him and of course telling his wife is the best way of doing that. It will of course cause terrible devastation to the whole family though he is more to blame than you for this.
You need to think through your real honest motivation for doing this and ask yourself if it's worth the upset in your own life to be the one to tell her.

My instinct is it's better for you to draw a line under this and walk away, not exactly with your head held high, because you have played your part in doing down another woman, but with dignity, knowing that you played no part in any further fall out in his marriage.
Having said that, if I was his wife I would want to know.