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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

251 replies

Alexkit1980 · 30/10/2022 14:02

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 30/10/2022 15:39

As soon as you knew he was married and carried on you were consenting to that duplicity. You discovered that he lied to you from the word go but carried on. When you did that you sent a very strong message to him that he could shit over you and you’d take it. So take it. Suck up that hurt, delete his number and try and move on. Telling his wife is purely to hurt him but I think will not provide you the sense of satisfaction that you think it will. The time to do that was when you discovered he was married. Hoping you meet a nice single man soon.

bettyfreddy · 30/10/2022 15:47

I always put myself in the position of the wife in this situation and would I want to know. Yes I absolutely would.

My best friend was once in a very similar situation. She didn't want to be the one to break up his family but she felt his wife deserved to know.

She sent him a mid week text when she knew he was at work saying she had spoken with his wife and she knew absolutely everything about their affair and his relationship. She said they had spoken on the phone and spent the morning talking about it all. She then blocked him on absolutely everything.

She of course hadn't told the wife anything. We never found out what happens but social media shows that they are no longer together. It was her way of getting him to admit the truth without her doing it. Would love to know what happened or even if that was the cause of their break up.

U1sce · 30/10/2022 15:49

MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 14:44

He stole her choices and consent. In your shoes, I would return them to her.

Doesn’t she deserve to have agency over her own life….just as you do?

This

MrsPerfect12 · 30/10/2022 15:51

Give her a time line of events, dates together, photos of messages, insta page, photos of you together so it's proof. It's up to her from then on but she'll know you're not lying. I hope you feel better soon and I think it's right to tell her.

ChristmasAtHogwarts · 30/10/2022 15:51

Yes I would tell her but I do think you’re trying to get him back and get at her as well. I don’t want to be rude but - you knew he was married and had a wife, the poor woman deserves better than this leech and I hope in time she heals from the appalling way she’s been treated.

SnackyOnassis · 30/10/2022 16:03

Thatskindafun · 30/10/2022 15:17

if it were my DH I’d want to know, but equally if you tell her I really think you’re just doing it to hurt him and blow up his life
because if you actually cared about her you wouldn’t have continued to shag her husband

that’s not me trying to be harsh, just an honest fact. I think you’ll justify it in your head as for her benefit but you genuinely weren’t that bothered about her life or her feelings a few weeks ago so why are you now suddenly?

also I would be repulsed by a married man, and also by a man who didn’t see his own child, so you need to figure out why you were into that and willing to ignore so many red flags

100% this. Tell her, but don't kid yourself or try to kid her that you're doing it for her sake.

orangeisthenewpuce · 30/10/2022 16:06

You're only telling his wife because he wouldn't leave her for you. Don't pretend it's for any other reason.

LuckyLil · 30/10/2022 16:07

I love how utterly helpless you were all along in spite of repeated evidence he was in a relationship, and how there was nothing you could possibly do lol

Have some dignity woman.

mansviewpoint · 30/10/2022 16:09

Please remember that this is not a woman vs woman thing. This is a woman vs man thing. The man did wrong, and the OP was a bit weak, niave, but she is not the first time and will not be the last to fall into that trap. I just hope the OP has learnt not to trust someone who starts the relationship off lying.
At least the OP has realised that her own insecurities and need to be loved was why she stayed rather than any other made up reason.
The wife needs to know, there is no two ways about it. The man needs to understand that him lying has an impact on others, but if it wasn't the OP who had been used it would have been someone else.

meatballsoup · 30/10/2022 16:13

Sure go ahead & tell her. Make sure you given her the full truth that you continued to have sex with her husband even after you knew he was married with children. Don't make out you're doing this for her & her kids. Your reasons are purely selfish.

LuckyLil · 30/10/2022 16:14

mansviewpoint · 30/10/2022 16:09

Please remember that this is not a woman vs woman thing. This is a woman vs man thing. The man did wrong, and the OP was a bit weak, niave, but she is not the first time and will not be the last to fall into that trap. I just hope the OP has learnt not to trust someone who starts the relationship off lying.
At least the OP has realised that her own insecurities and need to be loved was why she stayed rather than any other made up reason.
The wife needs to know, there is no two ways about it. The man needs to understand that him lying has an impact on others, but if it wasn't the OP who had been used it would have been someone else.

The OP had regular sex with him knowing full well he was married with a baby. Don't minimise her appalling behaviour as a bit naive or weak. It was selfishness. She didn't spend a year having sex with him knowing he had a wife and child because she didn't want to hurt his wife. Men like him are scum but women like her don't just get off the hook out of pity I'm afraid. But nice try though 😉

CarefreeMe · 30/10/2022 16:33

No I wouldn’t tell her because your reasons for telling her are wrong.

You have been fine going along with it all of this time but now you’ve realised he doesn’t actually want to be with you, you want to get back at him by telling the wife.

I can’t help but feel that you’re hoping the wife will kick him out and then he’ll have no choice but to be with you.

If you genuinely feel guilty and feel she should know then tell him to tell her or else you will.

I don’t think there would be anything worse than being told about an affair from the OW who knew about you.

Most women I know would also want to track you down and kick your head in too, so if you’re going to do this don’t think it won’t cause you any drama.

mansviewpoint · 30/10/2022 16:33

LuckyLil · 30/10/2022 16:14

The OP had regular sex with him knowing full well he was married with a baby. Don't minimise her appalling behaviour as a bit naive or weak. It was selfishness. She didn't spend a year having sex with him knowing he had a wife and child because she didn't want to hurt his wife. Men like him are scum but women like her don't just get off the hook out of pity I'm afraid. But nice try though 😉

Show quote history

I wasn't trying to minimise what she had done. You are quite right though re-reading what I wrote did sound like I was, whereas I was trying to suggest that she has already realised that she did wrong, and was trying to keep the conversation on the track of "should she tell the innocent party".
I do apologise for this.

Buildingthefuture · 30/10/2022 16:35

Yes, tell her, with screen shots and plenty of proof. Give her back her agency. Expect some backlash, because actions have consequences, both his and yours.
You aren’t the first person to do this and you won’t be the last, but I would suggest you get yourself to therapy sharpish, to work out why you allowed someone to treat you like this (and believed all his total bullshit and the initial red flags) and how and why you could knowingly and willingly shit all over someone else, who has never done anything to you.

ZooTropia · 30/10/2022 16:42

Look, you didn't meet him by accident - he absolutely preyed on women. You will not be the only one. Maybe she knows? Maybe she doesn't care? He will be onto the next one before Christmas won't he because he cannot help himself. It's the thrill of the chase and capture. Give it 6 months and tell the poor cow. She deserves to know x

Crazypaving22 · 30/10/2022 17:01

Tell her. She absolutely deserves the truth of her life. Send her all she needs and a timeline so she can put the pieces in place. This abusive man needs to be outed.

Then make sure you block him.

And don't validate yourself with someone else's husband again. It might be a good idea to unpick how you managed to get into this mess so you can move on healthily and happily.

StaunchMomma · 30/10/2022 17:03

Whether your motive be vengeful or not, she deserves to know what a piece of shit she's married to.

PermanentTemporary · 30/10/2022 17:09

I just think anyone who tells the wife/husband is trying to gain a place in their lives that they have no right to. Walk away.

LuckyLil · 30/10/2022 17:14

I just think OP stopped being the innocent victim in all this the moment she knew he was married with a baby but carried on having sex with him.

1FootInTheRave · 30/10/2022 17:26

I'd want to know if I were the wife in this scenario.

Artygirlghost · 30/10/2022 17:34

I would want to know.

Also, it is highly likely that he has done that with other women and will continue to cheat on his wife.

Not fair for her to be put her at risk of STIs either.

I would contact her, send her some of his messages as proof and explain that you simply did not know he was married or had a child at the start.

Jaybird43 · 30/10/2022 17:35

I think as someone else said further back, you were as much to blame as him. Telling the wife will not make you a heroine in this situation. It’s a sorry, sorry mess for all involved - most of all the wife and their child. Block him and move on.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/10/2022 17:38

No ! Don’t tell her
your hurting and want him to hurt

but don’t - walk away

Artygirlghost · 30/10/2022 17:42

@CarefreeMe

''I don’t think there would be anything worse than being told about an affair from the OW who knew about you.

Most women I know would also want to track you down and kick your head in too, so if you’re going to do this don’t think it won’t cause you any drama.''

Totally disagree with this.

The worse thing is to not know that you live with a liar and a cheat who doesn't really care about you and your kids and is putting you at risk of STIs....

And I don't think you speak for ''most women''. As far as I am concerned I would focus my anger on the married man who is lying to his wife and actively preyed on a woman by pretending to be single.

Yes the woman was in the wrong too, but she was single and fell for a con artist.

dontputitthere · 30/10/2022 17:44

I would want to know. I think you owe her to allow her to make her own decision on her future

The only time I would say it's not to is if the op is hoping this means she'll leave the tosser and he'll come crawling to her.

As long as you know you're able to block the lowlife scum and not play the pick me dance you should do it.

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