Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet

[Alexkit1980]

Apologies I’ve never posted before and I realise I’ll probably get some hate. And it’s well deserved.

very long story.

guy messaged me on Insta, no profile pic, limited account details. For some reason I messaged back and we got on like a house on fire. He sent me pictures, and just said he was a very private person.

we met and then started dating last December. Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when it he said it was because of work.

always said he didn’t have children, never married.
didnt want kids maybe I should have seen some red flag already but he had me well and truly under his spell.

we talked about future, he was planning on getting a transfer so we could be closer and make things easier.
then he went awol for nearly a week, just popped back up apologised perfusely and said his brother was really I’ll and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him.

friend in this time has done some digging and came across a picture of him holding a baby on Facebook. When questioned he said he did have a child but him and the mother weren’t together , she moved abroad and he didn’t see his son.
things carried on probably when they shouldn’t have but I’m weak and he made me believe him again.

fast forward a few months and something popped up on Insta and someone had tagged him in something. Call back fbi friend and she found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed where they lived together etc etc.

he finally admitted he had been living another life with me, was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn’t want to lose it

YES I should have walked away there and then, but I was low, weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word
So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife (believe me this doesn’t make me feel good) but I was so drawn in I couldn’t see a life without him.

ww went away tougher he kept making promises, breaking promises, but I couldn’t let go.

fast forward to last night, came over like normal. What ever normal was. But something inside me snapped when he said he did want, he wanted me in his life but he just needed time. I asked him to leave so at 4am after waking up and realising what an awful person I had been. he took his stuff and asked if he could hold me one last time and walked away.

he messaged a couple of hours later later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife.
I didnt reply and I finally managed to block his number and been in tears ever since.

so do I tell her? That he’s been living a complete another life for nearly a year. Or sweep it under the carpet and let her find out another way? as I’m sure I’m not going to be the last

yes I know I was wrong for carrying it on, and there’s no excuses and I feel like a terrible human being believe me.
im bitter, and hurt yes but I just can’t shake the feeling that she should know. I don’t want to hurt her. I want him to know he can’t do things like that but I doubt he would really care.

I know I’ve never posted but please help me. I can’t make sense of anything and don’t want to do anything stupid by messaging her when I’m emotional. I was just hoping for some advice.

What have you told her @Alexkit1980 ?

In your previous post you said you had her email as she was a 'semi professional' sports player (and easy to find.)

Did you have her number as well?

Did you say outright 'I've been having an affair with your DH and you ought to know.'

Or was it vague like 'You don't know me but I need to talk to you'?

Or something else?

Is he still in contact with you?
Are you talking to him or seeing him still?

You asked 'what am I supposed to do?' [she has my number.]

Well, can't you make contact again? Nothing is stopping you.

If you have her email you could simply tell her what has happened.

Either you want to tell her or you don't.

Leaving it as it is, having hinted at something she needs to know, is very unfair.

Maybe you need to think about stepping right back and forgive yourself, or see it through.

No I didn’t say outright I was sleeping with her husband. Maybe I should have done but I didn’t
i have her mobile number.

I am not still seeing him.

Yes I could make contact again. But after what people have said and the way I know he can be I’m a little worried about the consequences for everyone

I have to step back.

im screwed up enough without the possibility of something happening that will affect my mental health more than it already is. For the sake of my kids I need help to get over this man

You sound in a very dark place

Can you post what you did say to her?

You see, it may be obvious to you that you were going to tell her of the affair, but it may not be clear to her at all.

If it was just 'I need to tell you something' she may have dismissed you as a nutter or even related it to her work (in sport.)

It sounds though as if you had a series of emails with her to get to the point of her saying you would talk that evening ( a week or so back.)

I said all along that you need to watch out for him being vindictive.
You have alluded to his behaviour being 'controlling' but stopped short of saying he is violent.

I think if you want help here, and for posters to take you seriously, you could help by being more open about what happened with you and his wife, and his behaviour.

The best way to get over him is to accept him for the person he is.
Whatever he said to you, he's a liar and not a decent man.
Why would you want him in your life?
Aren't you worth more?

Your 'recovery' has to be twofold

1 Forgive yourself!

2 let go of the idea he was 'the one' for you and that he was a good person. He's neither.

Tell his wife if you want to, but not to hurt him . Revenge will just leave a bad taste in your mouth. It won't make you happier.

Worst case, you will tell her, she will forgive him (again?) and he will make your life uncomfortable in some way.

Best case? She will divorce him but will he really care? He doesn't seem to care much now, anyway.

First off I do appreciate everyone’s comments and help. I have a real struggle getting down what’s in my head onto paper. So things I say come out wrong.

i probably did not make it clear that I needed to tell her about her husband just that we needed to speak.

but we haven’t had anymore contact so I’ve taken that as I move on and try and fix my life and forget about everything he did.

yes I am worth more and would t want to be involved with someone like him but he caught me just as I’d repaired myself after an abusive marriage and he knew that. So ignoring every red flag I stupidly got myself into the situation I did

all he has done is been manipulative and everything has been on his terms and as I am in bad place and was too weak to stand up for myself

being honest there was always an element of kink in our relationship and that’s where the violence has shown. All be it consensual, it makes me wonder what he could do.

I realise the whole story sounds messed up. But I am messed up and can barely think for myself so trying to explain things has been really hard

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

Sometimes just getting it al out to a non-judgy friend can help.

It sounds as if you need a really good cry and to get it out of your system for a start.

Forums are all very well, but making it 'real' by talking to someone might help.

If you can afford counselling, Relate do online and phone sessions with their counsellors.

I don’t have many people to talk to my ex husband made sure I was very alienated. I’m only just rebuilding a damaged relationship with my sister that he ruined.

all I want to do is cry

I have my counsellors number from before and although I can’t really afford it I might have to

Please get counselling OP.

block the wife’s number and his.

she has been married to him long enough to know what he’s like I’m sure. your not the first and won’t be the last.

There’s a very high number of domestic violence and police officers statistically speaking. Your safety comes first and you wouldn’t be the first woman to be viciously harmed by an affair partner, especially a policeman.

You need to cut him and everything associates with him out. It’s rotten and no good will come from it.

Work on your healing. Seek counselling. Stay away from men for a VERY long time. Focus on your children and yourself. Focus on building a support network of healthy friendships. A kind bustling social life for you and your family.

You will heal from this, you will be ok.

Alexkit1980

sending hugs
you seem really low

and what SunshinePlease101
is 100% spot on

Thankyou

Thankyou

Well she knows. We spoke this morning. She was so calm and collected. She had confronted him before months as ago but he talked his way out of it. We have been talking in what’s app and I’ve sent her what she has asked for and I will send her anything else she wants.
I still feel horrible but she knows now after having suspicious. And can use my information as she’s fit.
she was so strong and kind after knowing what I’d done.

Regardless of your reasons, I would want to know. And who cares if you're trying to hurt him or blow up his life, he deserves it considering what he was doing. His poor wife deserves to know what a prick he is. Then it's up to her to believe you or not, if she does then at least she has a choice or is aware of what is going on.

well she does know and it didn’t sound like a surprise. Feel relief that I’ve told her as she genuinely sounded like it was the proof she needed to move in. But I kinda wanted her to go mad at me and be angry but she was so cool and collected

Alex, you did the right thing. It sounds like she was grateful that you came forward and provided the information that she needed to make her decisions.

Honestly I’ve never heard someone so calm and composed and rational. We’ve spoke. Most of the day on what’s app and she knows that if she wants more she can have it.

But I kinda wanted her to go mad at me and be angry but she was so cool and collected

It's him she needs to focus on really. A lot of betrayed women go crazy at the OW...but their partner is the one they need to deal with.

If it wasn't your it would be another OW. but she married him. I'm glad she has the proof she needs, because people like her husband are slick in lying their way out of trouble.

She has all the proof she wants, when she feels she needs it. She has whatever she asked for and there is more if she needs it. just can't get over how cool she was , just like she was waiting for something to happen.

I had a feeling you would go ahead with telling her. No more contact with her now. Don't leave the lines of communication open with her should she ask more questions. Just draw a line under it and have a clean break. You seem like your own worst enemy at the moment. All this is coming across almost as self-harm.

.....just can't get over how cool she was , just like she was waiting for something to happen.

She probably was. You see plenty of threads from wronged wives who say at some point that they tried to ignore the warning signs but 'deep down I suppose I knew' or that they actually did know but just wanted proof before confronting the cheater.

But you know, if I were her, I think the last thing I'd want to do is show my devastation to the OW. No, I'd want her to see me as stoic, not weak or overly emotional. Above all, I'd want to maintain my dignity with her. I'd want that conversation to end with her thinking "Wow, what a strong woman!".

I’m in a very similar situation. I’ve been a fool and ended up having a long emotional affair with a man I met online. It began as chat (lots naughty) online and on the phone. Neither of us wanted to meet initially (him more so tbh). We met eventually again and again.

My problem was, I was living in a sexless/dead marriage (no sex for many, many years) with no affection etc. So, I was weak and vulnerable. Not that I am making excuses as I know I was 50% responsible for this. I’m a fool and shouldn’t have carried on in a marriage that I wasn’t emotionally invested in. I was missing out.

I was fed lines initially - he said he wasn’t happy in his marriage (no kids btw), they didn’t have anything in common, he wasn’t attracted to her etc. He could charm the clouds out of the sky. He was always lovely to chat to and, I think, this is probably something else that was missing from my marriage. I got on well with him whereas there wasn’t a connection with my older husband.

I fell for this man but will say he felt guilty each time we met but continued to come back. I went through a terrible time of emotional distress and decided to end my long marriage after meeting this man for the 2nd time. I began to realise that my marriage hadn’t been ideal. I know I was completely in the wrong to start chatting online to men - it was all meant to be innocent.

I have lost my marriage, my children live apart (and I have caused them so
much distress) and, of course, my financial security is no longer there. We are still going through the divorce process 3 years on (this affair - if that’s what you can call it - went on for 5 years). I will have to sell the family home once I get a settlement figure as I can’t afford to buy him out.

OM cut contact after our last meeting. Just disappeared. He had been giving warning signs saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it wasn’t fair on people. I’m hurt and feel like a fool. He has got away with it and screwed up my life. We were never meant to meet and didn’t for over a year.

I feel like I have been strung along and, because I fell for him, carried on with it as I always loved chatting to him. We would chat for hours!

I do believe guilt got to him in the end and he had encouraged me to find someone. He said he lost control and had no self-discipline.

However, I have been strung along. I wouldn’t have done that to anyone. I’m in a good career - I have no idea how I got into this mess.

He admitted to me at the start that he’d met another woman (and had sex) three times after meeting her online. The ‘relationship’ lasted 6 months before he ended it feeling guilty. Then went onto say he felt guilt all the time. But, a year later ended back online chatting to women again! He admitted he’d chatted to women online since he got married 18 years ago!! I was a fool but totally infatuated with him. I actually spoke to a woman online who knew exactly who he was!!

I have had my life destroyed.

I also want to tell his wife. Not just because of what he has done to me but the fact he has been with someone else. He has done it before. I know where he lives (a couple of hundred miles away) and his wife’s name. I have lots of evidence - phone recordings, photos he had sent etc. I could very easily tell her.

I cry daily. This man has got away with it.

Should I tell her? Even if it’s indirectly?

He is also a police officer - a Metropolitan police officer. I think this behaviour is rife within the police force as I’m now finding out!

Do you know when you should tell the wife? The moment her husband makes a move on you. That is the point you should tell her. I see so many of these posts saying the wife has the right to know what a douche her husband is ‘after’ things haven’t worked out the way the OW had hoped. But up until that point the OW is happy for this cheating douche bag husband to tell lies, cheat and gas light their wife/families if the OW is still getting want she wants from the relationship.

so does the wife have the right to know … Yes. Should you tell her …. Yes. But next time if there is one and a married or attached bloke (or woman) makes an inappropriate move on you. Tell the wife then. Save yourself a whole lot of pain and show you kindness to the wife then.

@AMistakeIMade I’m sorry for you and your family.
But the harsh truth is that you screwed your life up, not this other man. You were in a marriage that needed fixing or leaving and you chose to cheat. You say you ‘lost your marriage’ as if you actually wish you still had it, despite saying earlier that it was dead and sexless and you’d realised you didn’t want it any more.
You sound angry and confused and are blaming this man for ruining your life, when you pursued and encouraged it every bit as much as he did. He didn’t help, granted, he was a part of the problem, granted, but you chose to chat online, you chose to pursue the relationship, you chose to meet him, you chose to end your marriage.
Being ‘led on’ by this man was always a known risk as you already knew he was lying to his wife about you. You weren’t led on, you wanted to do it, you had control over your own actions, he’s not responsible for what you did. You are a victim of nobody, I’m afraid the only victims of cheating are the betrayed spouses and children and the rarer OW who have no idea that the man is married.
Think about why you want to tell his wife. You sound angry and vengeful. Is it out of kindness to her or to hurt him? I think you sound angry that you have ‘had your life destroyed, yet the reality is that you haven’t had it destroyed by anyone, you destroyed it yourself by your own behaviour.
To say ‘this man has got away with it’ sounds as if you blame him
for all your troubles when at any point you could have stopped chatting online, you could have not met him in person, not left your marriage, all of your own choosing. He didn’t force you to do any of these things, the state of your marriage didn’t force you online, you could have attempted to fix it it or left honestly, you chose to self medicate with cheating online and having your self esteem boosted by a cheat.
You have absolved yourself of all responsibility for the online/in person emotional affair you had with this man and blame him for the lot of it and the pain you are in, as if you had no other choice than to swallow lies told by a proven liar and no other choice than to meet him. You did have choices, you are an adult with responsibility for your own actions and choices. You had all the agency his wife was not afforded.
You sound as if you want to inflict all this heartache onto another family, just to get at him.
If I was his wife I would want to know, but not everybody does.
I think knowing how much hurt you’ve already caused, to your ex husband and children, I’d think hard about causing more to another family, because it’s not just him who will get hurt by you telling his wife. You’ve helped this awful man do enough damage already, if he’s a serial cheat his wife will find out one day anyway and she’ll want the whole history.
You need to get yourself some help now to heal yourself, turn your life around, and repair some of the damage you did in your relationships with your children. It starts with not still blaming others, but looking inside yourself, realising and owning the part you played and deciding that you’ll never be that person again.
Cut loose from the past, what’s done is done, concentrate on yourself and your own well-being, if you cry every day you might be depressed and need further help. Find someone to help you unravel what motivated your choices, a trusted friend or a therapist, and put the focus where it belongs. Not on this vile man and his poor family, but on you and yours.
Leave him in the past where he belongs. I doubt he’s crying every day about you. He doesn’t deserve a second more of cluttering up your head.
Put all of your energy into healing yourself now and doing the best you can for your children, there is great self esteem and empowerment in that, and your life will start to turn around.
Focussing on him and revenge and burning because he ‘got off scot free’ just keeps you in pain and anger and in victim mode, your life can’t start to get better until you leave all this ugliness well alone. If you tell her, do it gently and without glorious technicolour details, in a spirit of kindness to her, not revenge on him. Do NOT do it anonymously, that’s worse than not knowing at all. Leave her your contact details and tell her that she can ask you questions of she wants to. Then give details without trying to convince her you were ‘led on’ as it’s not true and I doubt she’d sympathise and believe you anyway.
I genuinely hope you get some peace and find a lovely life and future with your children.

I feel sorry for your story and unfortunately it’s a common one, you’re blaming this police officer for your demise but truth is your marriage was in the rocks when you met this tw-at (excuse my language), you were heading for divorce police officer or not. Had you the oortunity to go back in time would you have stayed in this miserable marriage?