So fed up and think I give up on men

[Missillusioned78]

I am 44. I would really like a fulfilling equal relationship.

The only man I have met who interests me treats me as someone to ring on the way home when pissed.

I have a full life of work, friends, hobbies and my wonderful children. I am not rich but getting by with my home. We are happy.

I am SO disappointed with men. Don’t know whether to just give up

Ugh I know this is boring. I feel so lonely though.

I don’t think you’re alone. I’m not quite there yet, but doing online dating at the moment and it’s taking a toll. I’m just holding onto those stories of people who gave up and then stumbled across the perfect person by accident!

Thank you for replying. I just feel so, so done in with it. Not a negative person usually at all, but the thought of meeting a man with similar ideas and values seems so out of reach.

I don't know if this is a fair comment or not but the women I know who are most fed up with men are the ones who most want a man. Try not to care - try to just enjoy each day and see what happens. I know this is easier said than done! There are lots of good men out there.

I think this is a bit like 'All the films I saw were rubbish, I HATE the cinema!!'

Stop with the tantrum. There'll be someone out there for you. Enjoy your single life. He'll show up, if you make sure you're regularly meeting new people.

Nothing will make you feel more lonely than the wrong man. When that guy calls you on his way home from the pub, remember it will be nice to be held by him but you will feel like absolute shit afterwards.

Why do you think a bloke will resolve your loneliness?

I'm done as you are op. I simply cannot be arsed anymore . It's easier alone !

My advice is - if you always go for the same type of man - your type isn’t working! Break the mound and go for someone quite different.

Feel similar so watching with interest. I wonder if you need to have a tantrum, need to let yourself feel all the hurt and frustration and anger - maybe this is part of grieving what you haven’t had but should have? Hate the term ‘daddy issues’ but is it possible this is really a dad thing and stems way back to a pattern established by the first man in your life? It’s difficult to break the mould like @Allsnotwell unless you’re aware of what the mould is.

Prioritise you. The first thing I would do is not meet pissed bloke. He is not good enough for you. It is difficult I know trying to meet someone. I didn't bother till.my mid 40s,met one who was mercenary financially and then a lovely bloke who took his own life. Trying to find some contentment is very difficult. Take one day at a time,appreciate those you do have in your life and forget about men for a time. Those people who say it will happen I think are misguided,I believe yiu have to make the opportunities,but it is best to do this when you are in a good place. Good luck

Why did this particular man interest you?

You are 44 and occupying your time with work, hobbies & children. You're not rich, but getting by. Think about the man that you would ideally want to attract and ask yourself, what do you offer that man? I imagine the answer is very little and so the crux of the problem is your demands are far higher than the offer you are presenting.

A mid to late forties man, somewhat economically successful, intelligent (graduate at least shall we say), somewhat physically fit and well presented - sound about right? Such a person could fairly easily be attracting late twenties / early thirties women without kids.

@SittingCat WTF? Are you seriously telling the op her standards are too high?

A man in his late forties who would prefer a late twenties woman isn't anyone SHE should be wanting!

The op has every right to want a relationship with a good man who treats her properly. Your view that women should lower their standards to attract a man smacks of misogyny.

Op. Stop interacting with the man who only wants you for sex. It will just make you feel worse about yourself.

This is what I see around me as well. However OP hasn’t said what her preferences are.

The op has every right to want a relationship with a good man who treats her properly.

I agree. I haven't said anything to the contrary.

Your view that women should lower their standards to attract a man smacks of misogyny.

Misogyny is defined as dislike, contempt or prejudice against women. The view I have expressed is not inherently misogynistic because my views apply equally to both sexes. For example, the same mid to late forties man is going to have considerably less options if he is not economically successful or has kids.

It is rough OP, and most of them aren't worth the trouble. I met a really lovely one last night, but it was clear he wasn't feeling it. Nothing to do but pull myself together and get on with my normal life.

I feel for you but hey , be proud of yourself. You have a home , work hard , your looking after your children , your doing a great job ….. but please don’t give up on men . There’s some great men out there . As long as you can spot the signs early whether he is right for you is key . Like, mr piss head who hasn’t pulled on a night out , is not right for you ! Dump him and don’t dwell . Or Mr avoidant who’s not ready to commit , compliment you, who emotionally unavailable. Dwelling on them types will stop you meeting Mr right . You can’t find Mr Right with Mr Wrong in your head . Also try not to only go for the gorgeous or good looking ones , give men who you find slightly attractive a chance . Looks / attractiveness grows with personality, sense of humour etc .

How about you stop being triggered and answer the question. Why should a man be attracted to the OP? What does she have to offer a man, particularly one who is mid forties and has his stuff together? Especially pertinent if she isn't willing to set aside some 'man-pandering hours' during the week...

Another poster made a (correct) comment that OP did not state her preferences, so if she is genuinely happy with a divorced dad of two that stacks shelves in Tesco then I am sure she will find someone like that who is a good match in due course. There are plenty of men that are under 6ft and/or working minimum wage jobs that are genuinely very kind people that I am sure will share her 'ideas & values.' However, in general in these instances, we have a woman who is probably not as physically attractive as she once was, has serious responsibilities (kids), scant free time (hobbies & friends) and little resources (just getting by) simultaneously demanding traits in her partner that would make them objectively attractive to others.

You can rail against this as much as you want, but you exist in a dating market and the men you wish to date have other options too. I'd rather be honest with people.

And, before we dredge up the M word again, this also applies to our hypothetical dad of two in Tesco wondering why he can't get a date with a hot twenty eight year old as well.

An interesting one and personally from another perspective why should OP give up time she spends on hobbies/family etc to appeal to a man, when they could well be more fulfilling.

Perhaps those types of men who would chase 20 somethings aren't the kind of men OP would want to date and yes I do think that a 40 something man chasing a 20 something is misogynistic, given that it's highly unlikely he'll consider them an equal when he's using his power/status/earning capacity to impress them when they could be dating more attractive younger men.

I think the harder you try to attract a new partner, the less likely you are to get one, since desperation is very unattractive. I met DH the very moment I stopped looking and we've been very happy together for the last 10 years.

Would that describe a man with 'similar ideas and values' to the op?

Op - are you interested in a mid forties man who thinks dating women in their 20s is a cool look? As opposed to what most people see - a total saddo.

Honestly, op, are you sure you want a full time man in your life at all? I don't find they bring much to the party.

Dogs are better company and less hassle overall.
Friends are more reliable and a better laugh.
You can get good sex any time you want it, as a woman, if you are prepared to go online.

What else do you need?

I don't do OLD never have (wasn't a thing then). If the only men your getting and lliking aren't treating you well perhaps look at your profile to see if you can be more 'interesting' to the sortbof men who will treat you well. What is it that attracts you to men that treat you badly, it may be that most of the men who'd treat you well may not be interesting to you.

Some of dd's male friends from uni are single (early thirties) and gave it dating for the same reason, they thought the women they were meeting weren't that nice. So it seems male or female doesn't matter OLD doesn't always work.

@SittingCat you seem to be completely disregarding the emotional aspects of relationships.

Why should a man be attracted to the OP? What does she have to offer a man, particularly one who is mid forties and has his stuff together?

Any person can offer someone else attention, listening, humour, sexual chemistry, conversation, intellectual stimulation, reassurance, a sense of safety etc regardless of their physical/material attributes.

Especially pertinent if she isn't willing to set aside some 'man-pandering hours' during the week...

It’s pretty obvious that people will spend their time differently when in and out of a relationship. A woman might meet a man while doing a hobby/activity, and if they gel she may then choose to organise her time differently e.g. give up an evening or day at the weekend when she’d normally be alone or not go to a group every single week.

@SittingCat
'''You are 44 and occupying your time with work, hobbies & children. You're not rich, but getting by. Think about the man that you would ideally want to attract and ask yourself, what do you offer that man? I imagine the answer is very little and so the crux of the problem is your demands are far higher than the offer you are presenting.A mid to late forties man, somewhat economically successful, intelligent (graduate at least shall we say), somewhat physically fit and well presented - sound about right? Such a person could fairly easily be attracting late twenties / early thirties women without kids.''

Pathetic.