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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So fed up and think I give up on men

382 replies

Missillusioned78 · 29/10/2022 23:10

I am 44. I would really like a fulfilling equal relationship.

The only man I have met who interests me treats me as someone to ring on the way home when pissed.

I have a full life of work, friends, hobbies and my wonderful children. I am not rich but getting by with my home. We are happy.

I am SO disappointed with men. Don’t know whether to just give up

OP posts:
Autumnnewname · 30/10/2022 18:23

Only you will now whether to give up.

I find my life easier now I've given up. I've been single for so long and get no interest from any man at all

Once I reconciled myself to that I have been happier and constantly tell myself that a man would not enhance my life in any way

And ignore posters who say that you'll meet someone when you stop looking. That just makes you feel even worse and even lonelier

Good luck OP

SittingCat · 30/10/2022 19:23

@Treacletoots

An interesting one and personally from another perspective why should OP give up time she spends on hobbies/family etc to appeal to a man, when they could well be more fulfilling.

If this was true, the thread wouldn't exist.

Yes I do think that a 40 something man chasing a 20 something is misogynistic.

I dont think two people entering in to a consensual relationship is evidence of one of them hating an entire sex, no matter what mental gymnastics you use to justify it. Women would love for it to become socially unacceptable for men to date (much) younger women, but it will never happen.

@ArcticSkewer

Would that describe a man with 'similar ideas and values' to the op?

You are correct. However, stated preferences tend not to match up to revealed preferences. We've all seen the nice guy with great ideas and values get friend-zoned because 'there's no spark.' The other problem is that even the stated preferences are unobtainable - Women outnumber male graduates 60/40 and that is projected to go to 67/33 within the decade. Often these women will not consider non graduates as partners, which is impossible for 1/3 to 1/2 of them.

Its a pretty simple exercise for OP to describe her ideal guy and then work out what percentage of the population she is aiming at. Its less simple to come to a decision on whether aiming for that subset is obtainable or not.

Op - are you interested in a mid forties man who thinks dating women in their 20s is a cool look? As opposed to what most people see - a total saddo.

Nobody here is shooting down Leonardo Di Caprio for a date. Women would love for it to become socially unacceptable for men to date (much) younger women, but it will never happen.

Dogs are better company and less hassle overall.
Friends are more reliable and a better laugh.
You can get good sex any time you want it, as a woman, if you are prepared to go online.

Theres a lot of truth here. Meanwhile, men are playing Call Of Duty all day, hanging out with their mates and waiting for the sex robots. Its a bit depressing, for both sexes, isn't it?

@BigFatLiar

Ding Ding. OLD has to take a lot of the blame. 50 years ago, your opportunity to meet potential partners was very limited. In such circumstances, you're a lot more willing to overlook small imperfections. With Tinder, you can potentially access more potential mates than you would ever previously meet in your lifetime within an hour.

People, mainly women since they are the selector, get choosier. Women swipe right on the top 5% of men only because they have been told they are worth that. Standards become distorted. This top category of men have access to far more women than they would have in the past, thus they refuse to settle down and sleep around. Women complain men are terrible because the ones they are selecting for are exactly that. Meanwhile, the other large chunk of men that are being ignored, many of whom are perfectly solid, kind, genuine guys think all women are unreasonable gold diggers and decide to give up on dating. Nobody ends up happy.

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink

You seem to be completely disregarding the emotional aspects of relationships.

Far from it. My contention is that all of the stuff you have just mentioned is on offer from literally thousands of guys that would love to have someone to care about. Women are choosing not to pick these men enmasse because of other reasons.

Categories of men that generally date objectively attractive women - CEOs / Footballers. Why? Intelligence or Physical fitness combined with material wealth. Categories of men that are generally intellectual, empathetic and have good 'ideas and values' - Charity workers, Care workers, Teachers. Generally these men aren't walking round with stunningly attractive women on their arm and there must be a reason for that.

It’s pretty obvious that people will spend their time differently when in and out of a relationship. A woman might meet a man while doing a hobby/activity, and if they gel she may then choose to organise her time differently e.g. give up an evening or day at the weekend when she’d normally be alone or not go to a group every single week.

I completely agree, but the comment was in response to another poster who questioned why OP should have to consider rearranging her life around to attract a man. Hence my reply. There is no point in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to make some time with you.

@Artygirlghost

Pathetic

Good chat!

ArcticSkewer · 30/10/2022 20:15

You can't use Leo as an example! He does have a great selection of facial hair/beards but I'm sure that's not all he has going for him.

When you are a woman in your fifties (me) you've lived through a number of decades of men. Without speaking for the op, so this is just me, if I wasn't interested in a man in his forties when I was in my twenties or thirties (due to him being a total saddo) then I'm not going to regret not dating that type of man in my forties and fifties, am I? You forget - we know these types of men. We've seen them all our lives. And they are a sub-set - not worth bothering with unless you suffer from chronic low self esteem.

I love the internet for finding good sex. I wouldn't use it to bother finding a man for anything else.

50plusandfabulous · 30/10/2022 20:18

@SittingCat 🙄

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2022 20:22

Categories of men that are generally intellectual, empathetic and have good 'ideas and values' - Charity workers, Care workers, Teachers. Generally these men aren't walking round with stunningly attractive women on their arm and there must be a reason for that.

My husband is intellectual, empathic and has sound morals. If you were to ask him he would tell you he certainly does walk around with a stunningly attractive woman on his arm.

feindVicarInATutu · 30/10/2022 20:33

SittingCat · 30/10/2022 07:00

You are 44 and occupying your time with work, hobbies & children. You're not rich, but getting by. Think about the man that you would ideally want to attract and ask yourself, what do you offer that man? I imagine the answer is very little and so the crux of the problem is your demands are far higher than the offer you are presenting.

A mid to late forties man, somewhat economically successful, intelligent (graduate at least shall we say), somewhat physically fit and well presented - sound about right? Such a person could fairly easily be attracting late twenties / early thirties women without kids.

this is rubbish.

Im 50 and had a relationship with a teacher in his 40s - he had two teens , my kids are grown up . He actually finished the relationship because he said I didn't have enough drive and zest , I didn't have enough hobbies or a wide enough social circle for him to enjoy with me . We both earned roughly the same , both worked roughy the same hours . He did some off the wall hobbies. I have less - but lots of time to devote and that was why he ended it ! So there is no one size fits all .

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 20:37

@SittingCat well said

That's why this forum is so unhelpful. Anyone daring to put forward a view from the other side is labelled as you have been on this thread.

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:09

@SittingCat
‘Misogyny is defined as dislike, contempt or prejudice against women. The view I have expressed is not inherently misogynistic because my views apply equally to both sexes. For example, the same mid to late forties man is going to have considerably less options if he is not economically successful or has kids.’

hangon but she said she WAS financially successful

your claiming a woman’s accomplishments make her less appealing

If you want to claim that what you said is somehow not mysogynistic then you would have said that a man who had life together and IS financially successful would be in the same position but you didn’t , you compared a man who WASNT financially successful.

also you said he could ‘easily be attracting late twenties / early thirties women without kids.‘

There are plenty of women 40 plus without kids why specifiy late twenties :early thirties women . Do you thing youth is a woman’s primary asset or do you think womens life experience and other attributes are valuable ie see them as equals to men ?
Would you also write to a man with the same question that if women had no kids and were financially successful they could easily attract late twenties /early thirties men with no kids

Your statement does sound mysogynistic because it implies women are more valuable at a younger age and that there accomplishments such as financial success mean nothing , whereas with men they mean they can ‘scorre’ a younger woman

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:12

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 20:37

@SittingCat well said

That's why this forum is so unhelpful. Anyone daring to put forward a view from the other side is labelled as you have been on this thread.

No Talon that’s actually incorrect , people are just frequently challenged on there sexism and double standards
the internet is full of sexism against women and thankfully mn is one of the few places women have a choice to speak up against those attitudes .

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:19

@SittingCat

You’ve told us what type of woman you think a successful man with no children can attract it would be interesting to know what ‘type’ of man do you a mature woman who is financially successful can attract ?

i realise the op has kids , but maybe this could shed light on whether or not you see any difference in the type of partner a mature , financially successful person can attract female vs male

after kids grow up … and you didn’t compare like to like

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:23

The research shows that the top 15% of guys on dating apps get 80% of the swipes, so they can take their pick.

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2022 21:30

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:12

No Talon that’s actually incorrect , people are just frequently challenged on there sexism and double standards
the internet is full of sexism against women and thankfully mn is one of the few places women have a choice to speak up against those attitudes .

I think that something mumsnet tends to ignore is that actually there really are a lot of unpleasant women out there. Perhaps it's misogynist to say but some women are actually just as bad as men.

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2022 21:32

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:23

The research shows that the top 15% of guys on dating apps get 80% of the swipes, so they can take their pick.

What makes them the top 15%?

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:33

I think it's their looks, job and interests.

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:34

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2022 21:30

I think that something mumsnet tends to ignore is that actually there really are a lot of unpleasant women out there. Perhaps it's misogynist to say but some women are actually just as bad as men.

Women are as bad as men ? I’m sorry but I have to disagree . We don’t read daily headlines if women raping and murdering men , nor is there a huge sex trafficking industry supplying women with tracked boys ….. the domestic violence statistics , sexual harrasment and domestic homicides statistics blatantly do not show that ‘ women are just as bad as men’ as you claim

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 21:34

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:12

No Talon that’s actually incorrect , people are just frequently challenged on there sexism and double standards
the internet is full of sexism against women and thankfully mn is one of the few places women have a choice to speak up against those attitudes .

Yeah a place where women have the opportunity to show their sexism and double standards.

Someone upthread stating they would only entertain men for sex. Jeez...

Social media is full of right on woke types. Plenty of space places online.

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:35

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2022 21:32

What makes them the top 15%?

What Nonsense all redpill talk

xPeaceX · 30/10/2022 21:38

@Missillusioned78 I've been so much happier since I gave up. I was going through this hell of meeting somebody after a year or so of OLDing, thinking it was going ok and then either discovering something really shocking (like he was a voyeur) or getting dumped because my son was less autistic than his son. I'm not kidding. Looking back I can see now that I should have walked away instantly but I really put myself through the mill. So unnecessary. Have been so much more content since I just gave up. My self esteem is so much healthier.

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:39

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 21:34

Yeah a place where women have the opportunity to show their sexism and double standards.

Someone upthread stating they would only entertain men for sex. Jeez...

Social media is full of right on woke types. Plenty of space places online.

The internet Is also full of violent porn that degrades and abuses women … also stuff like that redpill and incel crap we see more and more ..

but that’s all completely off topic
f you want to make some claim that women are just as bad as men you’d need to start a thread showing women commit as much harm to men as vice versa .,.. which you liiterally cannot do …

anyway op not gonna hijack your thread

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 21:40

Twistiewistie · 30/10/2022 21:35

What Nonsense all redpill talk

Any research bears this out I'm afraid

Anon778833 · 30/10/2022 21:42

@SittingCat childless men in their late 40s who have no children and no previous LT relationship usually have issues of their own ime. You can be
a gym addict and have a successful career but have a shit, selfish personality. Your sentiments are shallow.

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:42

So 85% of men have hardly any chance of a date on OLD and 15% get to pick and choose.

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 21:44

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:42

So 85% of men have hardly any chance of a date on OLD and 15% get to pick and choose.

I believe something like 80% of women for the most part only swipe on the same 20% of men.

Anon778833 · 30/10/2022 21:44

Luckydip1 · 30/10/2022 21:23

The research shows that the top 15% of guys on dating apps get 80% of the swipes, so they can take their pick.

Women get far more responses on dating apps than men. What about the top 15% of women?

Talon01 · 30/10/2022 21:46

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