So fed up and think I give up on men

[Missillusioned78]

I am 44. I would really like a fulfilling equal relationship.

The only man I have met who interests me treats me as someone to ring on the way home when pissed.

I have a full life of work, friends, hobbies and my wonderful children. I am not rich but getting by with my home. We are happy.

I am SO disappointed with men. Don’t know whether to just give up

I mean, my ex is in his early 50s. He’s very good looking. I’d say he’s better looking than most men half his age. He also is a high earner. But his personality is problematic. He’s disagreeable and neurotic. So he’s got few friends or romantic interests.

I suspect they do very well but are probably looking at the same small percentage of men.

I think the point on this one is that a lot of women online dating think they have a chance with a small group of men.

If we say there's 4 men to every woman on the apps then I think if we say 80 men and 20 women.

What you have is 16 of those women going for about 12 to 16 of those men. Of course multiple that by a factor of x and then those men have a lot of interest.

This explains why the group that really succeed are that small group of men and why they get away with acting as they do.

Don't you think it's odd if a 44 year old man hasn't, but wants kids, had them by then?

It's not just "having a baby" is it? Who wants to be 50 at the primary school gates?

To think of relationships in terms of transactions, which is the general the here, misses so much of the important stuff.

How can a just starting off young female understand, perhaps just an example, the work issues of a further along male in his 40s?

To many the "at a similar life stage" is the bread and butter of everyday life.

All this 40s men, 20s women. Load of balls. When I was a poor, graduated, 20s if a 35+ slimely rich dude wandered onto the dancefloor they were told to fuck right off because no matter how much fucking cash you have or gym sessions you do most (almost all) 40s men can't dance like a 20s.

Good relationships are, thankfully, more than transactions. The internet can't change that.

OP mix it up a bit.
Try different OLD, apparently the Classic FM dating site isn't as "dic pic" as some.

I’d argue that decent, desirable men don’t need to ‘get away with acting’ a certain way.

Dating doesn’t begin and end with what you have on paper. Chemistry is key to any match. And that isn’t quantifiable on paper.

Don't you think it's odd if a 44 year old man hasn't, but wants kids, had them by then?

It's not just "having a baby" is it? Who wants to be 50 at the primary school gates?

I do think it's odd but then you get lots of posts by women in their late 30s early 40s wanting children and nobody thinks they're weird.

@SittingCat your "somewhat, somewhat" chappie sounds like a nob. Sorry but true. Sounds like a player, one who sees women as trophies and will be soon to have an affair when he realises he married a human, with human traits. I wouldn't touch your "somewhat, somewhat" chappie with a ten foot barge pole

I'm not disagreeing with you.

I'm just observing what I believe online dating looks like in reality. Perhaps some od that group of men do behave well bit based on the pages here and the stories I've heard in real life I suspect a lot of them don't.

I realise the posts were a bit blunt but I think @SittingCat has a good point or two on this.

Too many women thinking they can obtain the 'top' men. Perhaps in their 20s when they have most of the choice. Unlikely for many in their 40s (and yes I know all women get a lot of interest from online dating, the issue being a lot is not what they'd want).

I’d argue that decent, desirable men don’t need to ‘get away with acting’ a certain way.

They do for dating especially if it's OLD. You need to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex, goes for women too.

Well I think it's honest to say that a lot think "oo that's going to be hard" and don't want to say that their desire for children is looking uncertain, especially if you are already a mum.

Sometimes your children and life position can seem like gloating (sometimes I am sure it is for some) but that's not very nice and a site for women with other women should be supportive, I know, it's clear, that at times it is as competitive and catty as, well real life.

Generally later want to be mums have been trying for a decade to achieve what some gain easily. But yes I imagine being that older mum at the school gates is hard (and we were not spring chick parents.....on the older side middle of the pack for first very much towards older for second). And it's true men, if they can persuade a younger female, can have children later, if you want your own biological children as a woman your window does close and biology differs vastly between individuals when that happens.

I also think women are slightly more realistic and accept ending their reproductive days earlier.

All this 40s men, 20s women. Load of balls. When I was a poor, graduated, 20s if a 35+ slimely rich dude wandered onto the dancefloor they were told to fuck right off because no matter how much fucking cash you have or gym sessions you do most (almost all) 40s men can't dance like a 20s

This was also my experience and every other woman I knew in my 20s. Who dated an old bloke? Noone I knew for sure! Some poor bint with zero self esteem and no career options, maybe, but I didn't hang out with those types either.

I agree with @ArcticSkewer , apart from I’m a man and it reads like this.

Honestly, op, are you sure you want a full time women in your life at all? I don't find they bring much to the party.

Dogs are better company and less hassle overall.

Friends are more reliable and a better laugh.
You can get good sex any time you want it, as a man if you are prepared to go online.

What else do you need?

Categories of men that are generally intellectual, empathetic and have good 'ideas and values' - Charity workers, Care workers, Teachers. Generally these men aren't walking round with stunningly attractive women on their arm and there must be a reason for that.

Yeah, The reason is that good men value good women for more than being "stunningly attractive".
Dur!

I’ve had a mixed experience OLD, in my 40s, divorced and have teenage children. Unfortunately, the vast majority of men on there seemed to be after sex/casual/FWB or were married and looking for an affair. It was all pretty depressing, although good if you are just after sex. The nice men that were good company and not just after a shag came with other problems.

@BigFatLiar
''I think that something mumsnet tends to ignore is that actually there really are a lot of unpleasant women out there. Perhaps it's misogynist to say but some women are actually just as bad as men.''

Women would be ''as bad as men'' if they regularly raped, killed, used other forms of violence, ran drug cartels and other forms of organised crime, trafficked women and children for prostitution, abused children and animals, became addicted to porn, used religion to control their partner and started wars as often as men do.

They don't.

Some women might be unpleasant but most will never show the appalling levels of violence/abuse, entitlement and selfishness that so many men have inflicted on the world since the beginning of time.

Well, that’s a given. Over 90% of the prison population is male. Any woman OLD has to be aware that it is a risk to meet an unknown man and take sensible precautions.

This thread has been completely derailed. Bet the OP wishes she hadn’t bothered.

lol that quite funny . Would you like to present you ‘research ‘ that you claim … don’t just say it . Show it with data from actually science and people who study such things

Just a variation on a theme. Hardly a unique thread is it.

What I ‘think ‘ talon ‘ is that you make claims such as women are as bad as men but when the actual realities of violence and abuses are presented and you’re called on it and asked to present anything to back that up you fall back on ‘femi nazi name calling 🙄

You can get good sex any time you want it, as a man if you are prepared to go online

Funny!

Men can get sex (coerced, paid for) any time they want but it's a whole ton more difficult to find a willing female partner for blokes. (unless you meant male partner? I admit that's really easy too)

Couldn't be easier for women. I can find a talented and willing sex partner, who I do not need to pay, any day of the week frankly, if that's what I want.

I don't know why women bother trying to get more out of it, men don't have more to offer really.

Are you a man? Or just a misogynist? Or maybe you're just a bog standard t.R.olll.

Why would a single, childless woman in her late 20s want a man in his late 40s? He would either be hopelessly set in his ways or have his own kids which she may not want to take on.

Why shouldn't the OP want someone similar to her in age, solvency, intelligence etc?

Too many women thinking they can obtain the 'top' men. Perhaps in their 20s when they have most of the choice. Unlikely for many in their 40s (and yes I know all women get a lot of interest from online dating, the issue being a lot is not what they'd want).

This is just such absolute rubbish. The first bit. I see plenty of men in their 40s and 50s thinking that they are entitled to a 25 year old, rich supermodel, though 🤣

This thread has become ridiculous with certain posters suggesting that the OP should be happy with someone drunk dialing her because she’s in her 40s.

Just google the tinder app and the research that's been done on male and female swiping .

I didn't say that women are as bad as men. I think someone else mentioned something along those lines but even then it appears a lot of context was removed from the post to fit the narrative.

There are so many threads like this on here.

Where are all the good men?

OK so who do you engage with. Oh that group of men that all the research suggests get all the attention, and then you wonder why it doesn't work out...