So fed up and think I give up on men

[Missillusioned78]

I am 44. I would really like a fulfilling equal relationship.

The only man I have met who interests me treats me as someone to ring on the way home when pissed.

I have a full life of work, friends, hobbies and my wonderful children. I am not rich but getting by with my home. We are happy.

I am SO disappointed with men. Don’t know whether to just give up

And don’t get me wrong I do believe there are men out there who are not like that and who do want women their own age and wouldn’t always choose the younger one.

I think men do value those other attributes in women though. I'm sure if you asked your male friends who are married or in relationships what they find attractive in their partner they would typically focus on those very attributes.

It would be similar for me to complain too many women are money grabbing, only focused on a man's money and just chase after the rich guys. Whilst I'm sure that describes a few women it would be the tiny minority and sounds quite ridiculous to say as a blanket statement.

Men and women definitely have different pros and cons on the dating game but I can't see it being all one way. I only brought up the age factor as a lot of women complain men go after younger women but they don't seem to complain about all the women who actively seek older men. While I've heard this to be a thing when I was younger it's shocked me how prevalent this is as I've aged.

We'll have to agree to disagree regarding women having more choice and options than men do regardless of age.

@Lpc3
but didn’t you just say that given all other things being equal MOST men would choose the younger woman?

why is that if they do not see older as less?

that’s actually the definition of devalue .. seeing one thing as less valuable than another

sure you have a small minority of women who value wealth in a man but by your own admission MOST men value youth . Big difference

@Lpc3

the question to you now using your own logic is why would MOST men choose younger women ( given all other things being equal ) if only a ‘ tiny minority ‘ value women for their youth?

Also all other things bring equal who would a man choose .. the woman who was poor or the woman who was rich ?

everyone prefers more money but it seems to be only men who want the superficiality if youth
yout posts literally contradict one another . In one breath you say all things being equal most men would choose the younger woman
then in the next post you claim it’s no different to the tiny minors of women who chase wealth

MOST is not a tiny minority

@Lpc3
’I think men do value those other attributes in women though. I'm sure if you asked your male friends who are married or in relationships what they find attractive in their partner they would typically focus on those very attributes.’

yes sure they might value those traits after they get to know someone but they don’t specifically seek out partners with those traits
women tend to place more importance on those personality traits over and above looks when seeking a partners whereas many men seem to think youth trumps all that

Not being unkind but....At 44,do you really think all the men are at fault?
I think you know the answer.
Hopefully you can change your mindset and find true happiness,because it is out there!

Agreed, women are the ones that typically initiate divorce. Men don't as they know they are likely to be living outside the family home in reduced circumstances not seeing the kids that much.

It does seem to be a convenient excuse 'the useless ones'. There's usually reasons women in their 40s are single as well.

I think men of all and every walks of life already see women as less value…
And it has nothing to do with woman’s age (that adds, but women don’t have much human worth in men’s eyes
to begin with).

I agree that all things being equal they would objectively have less value. I'm not that keen on the wording though as it sounds like one is saying they would have less value as a human being. Also 'all things being equal' is the kicker - highly unlikely to be the case when choosing a partner. All things being equal a women would choose a 6ft man over one who was 5'7" but I'd still be hesitant to say the 5'7" man has less value.

I would presume that all things being equal men would choose the wealthier women over the less wealthy. All things being equal I think women would pick an older man over a younger man. Is that fair on younger men? Not really but it is what it is.

The difference when it comes to profession and income is women generally find wealthier men or those with a high flying careers sexually more desirable/attractive (on the whole). The same cannot be said for men. Men typically aren't more sexually attracted to a women who is an investment banker over one who is an admin assistant. When we start dating someone and our male friends ask about her they don't get more excited if we say they're a doctor rather than a receptionist. I don't think by that logic women are shallow and only interested in a man's money.

I have no issue with any of this but it often seems women are rightly encouraged to have preferences yet if men vocalise their preferences it's looked down upon, labeled sexist or shallow.

Going back to the OP my original reason for posting on this thread was to discourage her from using OLD as it forces you to narrow down your selection and potentially discount someone who could have ended up being a great fit for you. It is very common for women in relationships to say 'had I met online I would never have swiped on him!'. This isn't me saying women should lower their standards; I think they should raise them but in areas such as personality, character etc. In the early stages of dating women are very much in the driving seat so if red flags could be spotted consistently and standards raised we would hopefully have way more healthy and fulfilling relationships.

@Lpc3

‘I have no issue with any of this but it often seems women are rightly encouraged to have preferences yet if men vocalise their preferences it's looked down upon, labeled sexist or shallow.‘

yes because they are two completely differnent things LPC

monry and wealth are technically attainable things . There is nothing that absolutely means an entire gender will be seen as devaluing because they cannot attain money . It’s an individual thing that people can work towards

Women on the other hand cannot ‘work towards becoming younger and the ENTIRE gender faces discrimination cases on age
this is not about some individuals who cannot stay young
NO woman can stay young . EVERY woman will be devalued by men
Not every man will face issues because he had less wealth

there is always hope for a man . He may win the lotto , get an amazing job whatever
No older woman’s is going to wake up and be you g again . Men judge women on appearance and age and yes that IS a sexist and shallow . Sorry but it just is .

you are telling the op to raise her standards in regards to a man’s personality whilst openly admitting that this is exactly what most men do not do with women

The fact you seem to be oblivious to the double standards is really surprising
women are under pressure in so many ways

on top of this I am wondering if you’re aware of the studies showing that men agreed much more frequently in what is attractive in women and therefore women are under a lot more pressure to meet these standards
"Men tend to agree about twice as much as women
do," said Dustin Wood, lead researcher and
assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest
University in North Carolina.
Prof. Wood said the results speak to divides in the
way men and women compete for potential mates,
and also to the mounting pressure women face to
conform to certain aesthetic norms.
"The fact that men agree so much means that
there are great rewards for having those
characteristics, and possibly great punishment for
not having them.
The study was published in last month's issue of
the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology’

Im not going to enter into any debate with you because without being rude I honestly think you sound a little unaware of what women face .. however I do think you sound like a nice person and that you are respectful . So I guess we will
just agree to disagree.

Not every man will face issues because he had less wealth there is always hope for a man . He may win the lotto , get an amazing job whatever No older woman’s is going to wake up and be you g again . Men judge women on appearance and age and yes that IS a sexist and shallow . Sorry but it just is .

This makes women sound incredibly mercenary.
Men want youthful women
Women want wealthy men

Looks are more important to men than women. As women get older their looks fade and men find them less attractive. It's hard for women to understand this because looks are only a small part of what they look for in men.

I absolutely agree that men value youth in women and young women will be seen as more desirable, more sexually attractive. However, the fact is, whilst women tend to go for older men they generally go for men a few years older, not 20 or 30 years older.
So whilst a man in his 40s or 50s may prefer a young woman to women of his own age, there's not exactly a queue of nubile young ladies looking for middle aged men! Men know this and are realistic. My friend in her 50s has recently got engaged to a man the same age. He seems to adore her! Maybe he's secretly hankering after 22 year old but he seems very happy to me.

I don't agree with the idea that women aren't important to women. I think for most women they're pretty well up there on the list of desirable aspects of men. In my younger days the women in the office often rated the men on looks.

For some reason men regardless of their age find younger women more attractive, it doesn't matter if the men are 20 or 90! Older men know they haven't got a chance of attracting a girl in their 20s, but that doesn't stop that underlying desire, and for the more optimistic ones, giving it a try. I don't think this is the same for women.

I suppose that's what I meant when I was saying my own desire has changed over the years from young man to older Man as I myself have aged as well.

I think a lot of men find the same thing but there's a subset who always stay attracted to young.

the saddos as we used to call them, dirty old men as they are known past a certain age etc

the ones who posted on here about all the young women attracted to older men probably themselves stayed static in their age group desire - they think it's the case for everyone

So op, anymore thoughts on the subject.

Are you still dissillusioned ?

@BelgiumArse i must admit I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of responses and the direction this thread took.

This particular part of @SittingCat response was like a gut punch:

Think about the man that you would ideally want to attract and ask yourself, what do you offer that man? I imagine the answer is very little and so the crux of the problem is your demands are far higher than the offer you are presenting.

On reflection, I think I can offer a lot rather than very little. But it did make me not want to reply.

And I am not disillusioned any more but have blocked the calling me after a night out man 😂

Good to hear op, it was a cracking thread though.

I'm sure you have a great deal to offer and you will recognise that more as you now have got rid of the dead wood.

Men like that knock your confidence and you don't need that, I can tell you've got too much about you for that.

Take care

There will always be those who are quick to tell us women over 30…40….50 etc we have little to offer.
these are the men you actually want to be avoiding.
They literally can’t see our value because they don’t value women for anything other than youth. Ignoring them is best.
Im glad you block the late night caller and are recognising your wealth🌸

Yes, there's been some pretty bitter men posting on this thread, absolutely furious that women don't want to date them and telling us somehow it's our fault for being too picky.

If any of them read the relationship board without their bitter blinkers on, they would soon realise that women's biggest problem is they are not picky enough!

Hmmm

The reality of this forum and the real world are quite different in my experience.

It's not bitter to state what the researched evidence of online dating etc suggest and if you read this board for long enough you come across a lot of bitter unbalanced comments about men.

Just thought I would update…. Blocking was successful. And someone I have known for a while asked me out - not my usual type. But went with it and second date was lovely too and third is lined up.

oh, and to the poster who was so negative about what a woman of my age could offer - he’s late 40’s, successful, good looking and generally rather nice.

Happy Christmas- maybe sometimes you do need to remove stuff from your life to create room for better people

And someone I have known for a while asked me out - not my usual type

I always think that of your usual type isn’t working then that’s no your type at all!

Have a wonderful Christmas!