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Original poster

I've been kept hidden

369 replies

Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 16:15

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

OP posts:
SweetyGreen · 29/10/2022 16:17

Could he have something going on with a colleague?

Mischance · 29/10/2022 16:18

I agree it is odd. And what is more is that it involves lies - not good.

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 16:19

It is not you. He wants to be there on his own probably to do as he pleases could be drink/brag/flirt/hang out with the singles.

theseriousmoonlight · 29/10/2022 16:20

Honestly my first thought was the same as @SweetyGreen.

MadeForThis · 29/10/2022 16:20

There's a reason he doesn't want you there.

summergone · 29/10/2022 16:22

Has he been in the same job the whole time of your relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2022 16:22

I think he has a relationship with another woman that he doesn't want you knowing about. Nothing about his reaction is normal or acceptable.

Weirdlynormal · 29/10/2022 16:23

Leave

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 16:23

I don't think it's another woman considering it happened in his old job and new job.

Does he have friends OP? Does he get to let his hair down without you? It's

Dahliasstillinbloom · 29/10/2022 16:24

It’s def not you.
He’s stringing along a colleague ?
He’s pretending to be single?
He’s had an affair that colleagues know about and is scared you’ll find out?
He’s lied already about the Christmas do so it’s not a big step to thinking there’s been more lies.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 29/10/2022 16:25

Call his bluff he be prepared to lose... You will be at the Christmas party or he moves out.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 29/10/2022 16:26

This is weird and not ok, frankly. You’re definitely not being unreasonable to question this. (Assuming this is real which I’m questioning as surely his friends would have been at the wedding…)

Chamomileteaplease · 29/10/2022 16:26

I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him.

This is the bit which isn't normal! Any normal reaction would be "oh sorry darling, I didn't realise you would want to come, of course you can, it will be great."

Except that he also lied in the first place.

Trying not to cry (!) I think you really need to get to the bottom of why he likes to socialise without you. It may be harmless and he is just more relaxed on his own but it may be more a worrying reason.

His lying and deflecting makes it sound the latter sadly. How does this tally up with DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc ? It is rather odd.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 16:28

How do you behave in public op? You say you are very shy and awkward. Could he be worried that he will need to baby sit you and can’t go and have fun with his friends and colleagues? That he’d have to be stuck at your side?

the fact he’s never invited you makes me think there is a problem and it’s not that, he wants to appear as a single man. The reason is why

maranella · 29/10/2022 16:28

I suspect it's just because he knows he'll have a much better time if you're not there. If you're shy and awkward and would be with a group of strangers, you'd no doubt need him to 'babysit' you all night and that's not a lot of fun for him.

Quitelikeit · 29/10/2022 16:29

I think you are a secret!

does he go out alone on a weekly basis?

falllakes · 29/10/2022 16:29

I would be inclined to say, " you are right it is just me being silly thinking that you don't want me to come. Of course you do and I am going to come and really enjoy it"
Then start talking about what you are going wear etc.

Fairylightsongs · 29/10/2022 16:30

falllakes · 29/10/2022 16:29

I would be inclined to say, " you are right it is just me being silly thinking that you don't want me to come. Of course you do and I am going to come and really enjoy it"
Then start talking about what you are going wear etc.

Agree, you need to go to the Christmas event. Then you will have a better idea.

RedDiamond · 29/10/2022 16:34

I have had an awful thought! What if he has a Mistress that he takes to all his events, Do's etc and all his friends think the Mistress is his actual wife?!!

Sarahemmabrown · 29/10/2022 16:37

How did you not meet any of his friends and family at your wedding?

RedDiamond · 29/10/2022 16:38

@Sarahemmabrown That was going through my head too. Do they actually know you exist?

Unforgettablefire · 29/10/2022 16:38

I'd say nothing until the day of the party then tell him you're going. Then watch his reaction.

BigFatLiar · 29/10/2022 16:42

Just tell him you want to go to the Christmas party with him.

All sounds a bit strange.

NoPrivateSpy · 29/10/2022 16:42

I have friends with social anxiety that is worse round their partner's colleagues. They will obsess for weeks before the event, what to wear, what to say, whether they are good enough etc, want to know who will be there, what the partner's relationship is to everyone there and need loads of constant reassurance.

I can see how that wouldn't be enjoyable at all.

Is any of this you? It's also really unusual that this is his approach to all social situations and not just work.

Do you not have any mutual friends you see together?

Cuck00soup · 29/10/2022 16:47

I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league

Firstly this liar is not out of your league and you deserve someone who will treat you well.

As it happens, I can see why he might not want to take you to the Christmas do. It can often change the dynamic if partners are there.

BUT. Not a colleagues wedding. Surely, that's an event to take partners to?

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