I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

Am I being crazy?

No.

His behaviour is totally off.

He's also manipulating and gas lighting you.

This.

He is dodgy.

You sound very sweet and naive and vulnerable.

Some months ago my mum confessed that my dad used to do this to her. There would be work dos and they were workers only he would say, then she would see photos and obviously all the other wives were there. Later one of these wives and her husband who she met by coincidence as they moved a block away told her they had been waiting to see her as they wanted to warn her that there was a lady at work who was very cushy cushy with my dad for a very long time. When his colleagues asked about my mum´s whereabouts he would tell them she couldnt be bothered to attend any dos. I never knew this. My dad[s company was very hot on family dos and incentives for family´s and speaking to the now adult kids I have realised how we m issed out on all of them. So, basically, he doesn´t want you to meet someone.

Well let’s see if he carries it through. If he tries to get you to change your mind from now on, then you should be worried. If he’s genuine then all will be good and he’ll help you with the anxiety about going - rather then use this as an excuse go for you not to go.

Come and post back after the party op

i don’t believe him that it’s because he likes to leave early!!!

I mean you just wouldn’t bother going in the first place

Sorry.this sounds like the perfect script for a feature film on an abusive man totally having one over on his vulnerable Ill wife!
your Ed is not the problem here.he’s very clever and fueling that belief.he’s very clever in making all your Illness wants you to beleive to be true.they work together well.

as an aside you very very much deserve help with your Ed.I no you’ve been I’ll for a very long time but recovery is possible.or a freedom beyond what you have now.never give up on that. And those saying it’s awkward for people when someone doesn’t eat.it really isn’t always. People have lots of different reasons for things.plus even if they do then assume an Ed,there is no shame there either.it’s an illness.you are doing awesome to be coping in any way you can.and to be out with you dp makes you braver than any of them.
and having witnessed this I can very much tell you none of us batted an eye lid and were just bloody happy to have her there. It made of made a few proper look twice,but that was a two second thing.after it was just always always better to have her included whatever way she came.

I don't mean this unkindly @Gymtanlaundry but you seem to be living a fantasy.

Your description of your marriage (first few lines) and the reality are worlds apart.

Even your title (being 'hidden') was dramatic. I clicked on it thinking someone was being kidnapped or prevented from going out.

How did you end up together?

You paint a picture of yourself as someone with MH issues (ED and lacking in confidence, anxious, etc) yet you are with this very macho bloke who wears a uniform, works shifts in an all-male workplace, (prison officer? Security officer?) works out at the gym, teetotal, super-good looking....

But then he also treats you badly, (despite how to try to say otherwise), spends your income on something you don't know about, and discourages you from having a life of your own except to see your dad.

Is there an age or cultural background difference?

Because, looking at all you have said, you seem a very unusual couple.

You asked for help on a specific problem, you managed to resolve the specific problem, hope everything else works out ok, clearly you can manage the rest between the both of you.

Good Luck and hope you enjoy yourself

How are you doing @Gymtanlaundry ?

OP says

why I've not been invited to drinks, or concerts or sports events when they have gone in the past, these aren't all sat around a table awkwardly

That’s not all work events, is it? Her husband has a social life, work or otherwise, in which she doesn’t exist.

@Gymtanlaundry you said you met at work, did you get married while still working together and what did you do about office social get-togethers when you still worked together?
What about your own job Christmas party this year?

Oh I didn’t see the update.
Him not being open about finances with you and having a well paid job with no money left at the end of the month and you not knowing where it went is even more strange than not socialising with you.

Even with unmarried couples keeping finances separate you’d know what is your partner’s money primarily spent on, to not know (and, I guess, be afraid to ask your own DH of 7 years!) is absolutely not normal.

Could he be employed in a lower role than he says he is?
This would be more obvious at a group event
Or( as in my case) he is actually taking another woman?
Whatever the reason his angry and defensive reply to your asking about going, says he is lying about something
He is not way out of your league, he is not who you think he is. IMO
Can I ask if you had many guests at your wedding?

I don't think that @Gymtanlaundry is coming back.

She appears not to want to engage with what are reasonable questions about their relationship - it's history, their ages, any differences in cultural backgrounds, and of course, any work-do of her own employment.

Sorry, I've seen your further replies now
Really well done for speaking up

The biggest problem in this marriage is you - stop being a sucker and putting up with this - unless you really like your situation

Haven't read anymore of this I'm sorry since yesterday .
Just wanted to say that for me the key is the lack of eye contact with these three contacts.
This suggests nothing to do with affairs or being gay ect but something more official
Perhaps something that involves a legal aspect of some sort
He's possibly in trouble amd that could be a number of possibilities

Would you consider offering him an olive branch of sorts ? Would you be prepared to support him whatever the situation ?
Perhaps a letter ... tell me everything and I will support you ?
Tell him you love him and what ask what would he do if the roles were reversed ?
He could actually be in trouble and sorry to be so blunt but could be in. really bad place as a consequence.
If you're prepared to support him then you need to think outside of the box .... but if you are prepared then you need to tell him so and pack your bags if he doesn't disclose .
It may be a huge weight off his shoulders but just my thoughts and I really hope your okay .

Take care. .

How are you OP?
Your thread has stayed in my mind.
I hope you are well and have resolved everything.

I was going to suggest this as well. I very much prefer to keep areas of my social life separate. My old school friends have never met my work friends, or my football friends. I dislike it when there's an event that my family and DPs family are both at. And I'm less relaxed when DP comes out with my friends, than if I was alone.

I'm not embarrassed by any of these people, it's not that I don't want them to meet. Its that I don't want them to meet when I'm there! When there's multiple people where I'm the only common link, I feel like its my responsibility to make sure everyone's having a good time, so I can't relax. It honestly puts my teeth on edge.

I suck it up because I'm well aware that its my issue, that its not normal and not fair to DP if I make her feel hidden away, so I'm not trying to excuse your partners behaviour here, just suggest an explanation for it.

Damn it. Zombie Thread