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Original poster

I've been kept hidden

369 replies

Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 16:15

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 29/10/2022 17:50

RedDiamond · 29/10/2022 16:34

I have had an awful thought! What if he has a Mistress that he takes to all his events, Do's etc and all his friends think the Mistress is his actual wife?!!

This was my thinking too.

LonelyPlanett · 29/10/2022 17:50

I think this is abusive. He reacted with anger when you were upset about the Christmas event and still hasn't tried to reassure you or invite you. He has excluded you over SEVEN years from his friends and colleagues. This really isn't normal.

Does he go with you to meet your friends, family or colleagues? Or are you being isolated from them too?

KillingLoneliness · 29/10/2022 17:51

Sorry if I missed this OP but have you directly asked him why he doesn’t want you there or have you said to him you want to go?

Original poster
Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 17:51

thenewduchessoflapland · 29/10/2022 17:43

He might not have time for an affair but cheating doesn't always take place in the form of a full blown affair;my friends ex was dropped in it after falling out with a work colleague;this person told my friend that her ex would flirt with and then as immature as it sounds;snog and grope other women on nights out and sometimes go "home" early by going home with other women to their houses/hotel for a couple of hours for sex before heading home to my friend.

He works 12 hour shifts in an all male environment which he is unable to leave once there due to security, this I am 100% certain of as I worked in an industry alongside them for many years. One of his current colleagues I used to work with so know this for sure, you'll all have to trust me on this. After his shift he comes straight home, he's not on his phone loads or sneaking out, our days off are spent together and I have access to all his passwords and devices although I don't feel any need to use this as I trust him in this aspect of our marriage.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/10/2022 17:52

He doesn't sound lovely.

He's a liar that gaslights and gets angry and enraged when you challenge him, to shut you down.

He has repeatedly misled you.

I don't think you know him as well as you think you do.

Occasionally going to things on his own is one thing but he doesn't want to go to anything with you and lies.

Awful behaviour.

Original poster
Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 17:53

KillingLoneliness · 29/10/2022 17:51

Sorry if I missed this OP but have you directly asked him why he doesn’t want you there or have you said to him you want to go?

Yes and he said he does want me there but it's going to be rubbish so we might as well not bother, which seems odd to me x

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 29/10/2022 17:54

He's abusive, OP. He's deceitful, he gaslights you and he uses anger to keep you under control.

He's keeping you secret because he wants to control you. He wants you to think you're inadequate and awful so you don't leave him. He doesn't want you to come to events with him, either so he can pretend to be single, or because he wants to make sure you're isolated from other people, and no other man can pay attention to you.

theadultsaretalking · 29/10/2022 17:57

If he only works with guys, the 'secretary' doesn't have to be female. Sorry, it sounds like something out of a bad book, but it does happen more often than we think.

He is clearly hiding something.

billy1966 · 29/10/2022 18:00

Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 17:53

Yes and he said he does want me there but it's going to be rubbish so we might as well not bother, which seems odd to me x

Show quote history

You think it is odd, because it is very strange.

So rather than bring you, he would rather not attend.

Very strange.

You are not in possession of the full facts here.

This is neither normal nor healthy.

Sorry OP, but he strikes me as extremely controlling.

BlodynGwyn · 29/10/2022 18:00

I wouldn't want my husband to come to events where I was seeing my friends or colleagues because he tends to drone on about boring things even though it should be obvious no one else is interested. He'll also talk about something we did together and get the main facts completely wrong. (I'm very sure he has Asperger's, but have never talked about it with him because I know he would get extremely defensive).

We meet up with his family and his old university friends for get-togethers and I'm comfortable in those situations because they know him well and can manage to stop him from droning on about a subject for hours etc. Although hearing him talking about something I did or we did together can be extremely awkward because not all of it will be based on actual facts. He'll actually make us look like failures in his retelling of events, and I don't know why.

At business meeting he is oblivious to other people's intentions, body language and can say things that they didn't need to know, which has hurt us in the long run.

I'm not saying you're like my husband. I'm just relating my own reasons why I find my husbands presence difficult sometimes.

I doubt very much your husband is pretending to be single just so he can get with women or for any other nefarious reasons. It sounds as if you have a good relationship but he just finds it easier to be around certain people without you being there. Without demanding to go or even letting him know you want to go, try to talk to him about this. Talk social situations in general without actually addressing these situations that are upsetting you.

fetchacloth · 29/10/2022 18:00

SweetyGreen · 29/10/2022 16:17

Could he have something going on with a colleague?

Sadly, this was my first thought. Hopefully we're wrong .

AngryCanadianFemale · 29/10/2022 18:03

There is another woman involved with him.

catandcoffee · 29/10/2022 18:03

I'm wondering if he will find your eating disorder and anxiety embarrassing.
Maybe he's built up this big picture of you to others, and you won't live up to it.

Do you never go out together socialising ?

How did you meet each other OP

Facecream · 29/10/2022 18:03

I’m with @theadultsaretalking … if it really is an “all male” environment that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a male sex/love interest.
But, presuming that to be less likely, for whatever reason, what’s the reasoning behind a pretty much “teetotal” man going to the pub for beers..?
Surely he wouldn’t be keen on that himself?
He is starting to sound like John Paul from Bad Sisters.
Does he meet your family?
If he’s not a big socialiser why on Earth would having you there be such a burden?
It makes zero sense..

fetchacloth · 29/10/2022 18:05

theadultsaretalking · 29/10/2022 17:57

If he only works with guys, the 'secretary' doesn't have to be female. Sorry, it sounds like something out of a bad book, but it does happen more often than we think.

He is clearly hiding something.

I'm now wondering this too.
Years ago I worked with a married guy that had an affair with a male colleague in the workplace. It came out eventually and it was awful for his wife😢

Cavagirl · 29/10/2022 18:06

How did you meet him?

Who went to your wedding?

Lemonlady22 · 29/10/2022 18:07

Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 17:51

He works 12 hour shifts in an all male environment which he is unable to leave once there due to security, this I am 100% certain of as I worked in an industry alongside them for many years. One of his current colleagues I used to work with so know this for sure, you'll all have to trust me on this. After his shift he comes straight home, he's not on his phone loads or sneaking out, our days off are spent together and I have access to all his passwords and devices although I don't feel any need to use this as I trust him in this aspect of our marriage.

Show quote history

He works 12 hour shifts in an all male environment that he can’t leave due to high security….. he’s secretly gay then!

Happyunhappy · 29/10/2022 18:09

Maybe its just as simple as him not feeling that he has to look out for you whilst you're there if you're quite insecure? Its easier not to be responsible for someone else on a night out. That's no excuse though he should still give you the option to go.
A so called friend of mine ways told his gf it wasnt partners being included but it actually always was and he was having a fling with a girl who didn't know he had a gf.

emptythelitterbox · 29/10/2022 18:11

It is really strange. If the events include a partner, you may not want to go every time but still you should be invited.

Does he work at a prison?

You mentioned being shy and having an ED. Wondering if you had it before you met him and if it has improved, stayed the same, or gotten worse with him?

alittlelifex · 29/10/2022 18:13

NoPrivateSpy · 29/10/2022 16:42

I have friends with social anxiety that is worse round their partner's colleagues. They will obsess for weeks before the event, what to wear, what to say, whether they are good enough etc, want to know who will be there, what the partner's relationship is to everyone there and need loads of constant reassurance.

I can see how that wouldn't be enjoyable at all.

Is any of this you? It's also really unusual that this is his approach to all social situations and not just work.

Do you not have any mutual friends you see together?

My ex was like this despite the fact we worked together and therefore knew all the same people (he had worked there longer but granted I was closer to our colleagues). He used to actively sit alone at work dos and refuse to come over even when asked! We would then have a huge debrief every time about how he came across, how XYZ person was so much more confident etc.

Massive relief when we split up but I feel like if this was the case then OP would know. I also openly communicated with my ex about this and why it was hard going to events with him.

bouquetofpeonies · 29/10/2022 18:13

Hello OP, I have to ask because I can be the same as your husband sometimes... is he maybe a hypersensitive individual? It doesn't necessarily mean you are an introvert, and in social settings alcohol can mask a lot of the 'symptoms'. I am hypersensitive and tbh I have real trouble 'crossing' friend/ relationship groups, if that makes sense. I find it really overwhelming to mix work and fiends, or different friend groups (eg, childhood friends, uni friends and hobby friends). It's really not a great thing and I really admire people who are able to manage many different networks at once.

It's just a thought, I know my partner felt very 'put out' when we first got together and felt I was hiding him. It was hard to explain to an extrovert like him how social situations for me (an introvert) were already so exhausting, and added to the mix of different networks, it was just too much! I can't explain why though, tbh. I don't have any secrets from my partner, I just wanted to 'connect' in to one network, if that makes sense.

Having said that...there was also a time when I had picked up smoking at work again (after quitting with him, took it back up bc of stress), and I really didn't want him to see anyone ask me for a cigarette or ask if I wanted to go and smoke! 🤐

Stripedbag101 · 29/10/2022 18:15

It’s odd that he works in an entirely male profession - and none of his colleagues are gay - so all partners are wives or girlfriends.

are you sure you have this right?

un this day and age that is really unusual. No male partners at all at work?? I can’t think of any profession or work place which excludes females or gay men???

layladomino · 29/10/2022 18:15

You know he lies to you. You know he gaslights you. You know he doesn't want to be seen out with you. You know he gets angry when you question it.

Something is wrong. And it sounds far from a 'great' marriage unfortunately.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 29/10/2022 18:16

billy1966 · 29/10/2022 17:52

He doesn't sound lovely.

He's a liar that gaslights and gets angry and enraged when you challenge him, to shut you down.

He has repeatedly misled you.

I don't think you know him as well as you think you do.

Occasionally going to things on his own is one thing but he doesn't want to go to anything with you and lies.

Awful behaviour.

This

no wonder your confidence is shot to pieces

thenightsky · 29/10/2022 18:16

I wouldn't want my husband to come to events where I was seeing my friends or colleagues because he tends to drone on about boring things even though it should be obvious no one else is interested. He'll also talk about something we did together and get the main facts completely wrong. (I'm very sure he has Asperger's, but have never talked about it with him because I know he would get extremely defensive).

I'm married to same man I think, even down to talking about something we've done together, but getting the main facts completely wrong. I have to say 'no, no, its... ' and put him right because I can see people disbelieving his crap.