I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

I feel terrible for you OP as the only advice you are willing to accept are the ones where you are being told he is being nice by not putting you into stressfull situations because of your issues. His behaviour is weird not yours. The fact he flew into a rage is a massive red flag.
I have known more than one marriage where the husband had mistresses they passed off as their girlfriends to friends or work colleagues. Their wives thought they had amazing marriages until they discovered they
didn't. You need to keep your mind open and stop blaming yourself.

And you can’t just say ‘I’d like to go, anyway’? Why?

This..l don't want to upset you but would you find it difficult to eat if there is a meal involved and would this be awkward for him in front of his colleagues? Do you chat easily? We have a very good friend and his dw is desperately awkward and makes everyone uncomfortable in a group. I don't mind as l accept her totally as she is but a lot of people find it difficult. She is a beautiful person, extremely talented in so many ways but so awkward in company.

I had a colleague who liked to keep his girlfriends separate from his workplace. He liked to put the various people in his life into different boxes that he kept separate.

I thought the same, either long time affair who he takes to these events or he’s a serial shagger, moves onto a new colleague in each new job.

Very interesting and not something I even knew about, definitely worth considering and thank you for explaining x

He's keeping you a secret so that he can pretend to be single tomorher women. Either that or he tells other people lies about you and if they met you in person they'd know it isn't true.

Either way, his response to you is so toxic and abusive. He is the problem. Get him gone.

He doesn't want his mistress to find out he's cheating on her with his wife.

Did none of his friends come to your wedding?

“Well Darling, if it’s going to be boring and shit why don’t we do something else that night…hmmm?”

Gosh this man has been labelled as gay cheating & abusive - harsh imo

op do you go out to restaurants and events together?

or out in public together? Go on holiday?

Didn’t he invite more than one friend to your wedding?

‘No, thanks, I want to go to this.’

Unless she’s afraid of her DH, I'm genuinely not seeing the issue, here.

How did you feel about this characteristic when you first got together? You both sound pretty contemptuous of your husbands now, but surely you can’t have always felt like that or you wouldn’t have married them.

How do you know so much information about his works Christmas party?

I need to Mel what job in 2022 doesn’t allow women! Is he a coal miner in china?

there are female prison guards in all male prisons! What is it. Please.

How would you have reacted if he said he hadn't invited you because of your ED and anxiety. How he thought you coming would be stressful for you and embarassing for him if you struggled? Maybe his lie was coming from a place of sensitivity and kindness

Why is he telling you about wedding invitations if he doesn’t want you to go?

Catholic priest!

That would explain a lot.

'He said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him'. That's called gaslighting.

Assuming you're giving us the facts facts that he is deliberately lying to you about events being 'boys nights' ect...

It may be of course that he is trying to protect you from having g to eat in public but, if he was genuinely a nice, caring husband then when confronted about how his behaviour is making you feel, he would have came clean surely? And appologised.

Instead hhe's got mad at you for trying to explain how his lies have hurt you. And, tried to convince you you are crazy.

Not exactly healthy is it. Definately toxic territory..

OP I was married to someone who kept me separated from his work colleagues/ friend group nights out/hobby group parties: the works
Always handy with an excuse where he would outright lie that the WAGS wouldn't be there; inevitably they were there and he'd come home regaling stories of a great night and how they were all asking after me. It would happen over and over despite me asking him to find out if partners were going. I stopped asking eventually.

One of the hobby parties was at my relatives house and I asked if I could go; he refused, telling me he wanted to keep everything separate. I respected his right to say that (this hobby took him out of the house for 8 hours a week for 6 months of the year)

He ground my confidence and esteem into the ground. I was a vibrant attractive young woman who he almost destroyed with the lies/stonewalling/gaslighting. I suffered terribly and lost years of my life to that hateful shit

Please be careful, your writing seems very focused on your 'shortcomings' and I'm concerned you're being fed lies and nonsense to control you.

I hope I'm wrong but I wouldn't take this lying down OP

Agree! Even submarines now have women on them!
Sports team have support staff who could be women.

The only ones I can think of are very fundamentalist Priests/imams/rabbis. Or the SAS type people.
Everyone else will surely have some element of mixed sex now.

Female cleaners though. And people to wash the robes and do the flowers.
Okmthe cleaners don't have to be female bit in my many years on this earth theynare invariably Church women.

Absolutely this. Do you have female friends/ go to work/ have a social life of your own OP?

I would be inclined to say, " you are right it is just me being silly thinking that you don't want me to come. Of course you do and I am going to come and really enjoy it"
Then start talking about what you are going wear etc.