I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

So he flat out lied in a big way. He told you two weeks ago it was just the men having beers, and now you’ve found out it’s a big dinner with the partners going. Sorry OP, there’s something very wrong here. People don’t willingly go on their own to an event that includes partners, unless the partner can’t or won’t go. Either he’s taking someone else, or intends to partner up with a colleague, or he wants to appear single and available.

This is all on him. You’re not crazy.

Odd. I’m afraid my answer would be ‘if you’re not ashamed or trying to hide me from your friends, why is it an issue if I’m coming with you?’

He is hiding something there.

When my dh had a second job none of them knew he had a dw and dc.
Probably because he hung out there so much getting pissed they would have thought (knew) he was a right twat for never being at home.
Your dh imo has either a ow or dc you know nothing about..

Yeah I agree that it's bad enough that he lies to you but his reaction when you rightly call him out on it is nasty. You deserve better.

As it happens, I can see why he might not want to take you to the Christmas do. It can often change the dynamic if partners are there.

Only if other colleagues are t taking partners with them. Which isn’t the case here. In this case, HE will be the odd one out coming on his own.

He's an arsehole! Do you have social media and are friends on there etc?

I'm sorry. It's rotten.

I was you in a past relationship. It came to a head when we went to a funeral of a friend and he lied about the wake and went by himself.

I realise now it was a mix of him wanting to pretend to be single (I don't know if he did cheat then or if he just liked to think he could), not wanting to "babysit" me because I was shy and (importantly!) not wanting me to see that he wasn't as popular/liked as he made out.

All I can say is that it was 100% about him. I was not responsible for him and it didn't matter what I did, he would still have acted like that.

What does your instinct say the reason is?

No, without giving too much away, he only works with men, not a single woman and he honestly wouldn't have time for an affair x

Sorry op but you are being very naive...

If you have only met one friend in 7 years and you are married, then this isnt just about this new job. Or a mistress.

he responded with anger and rage. On the very small amount of info you have posted, my concern is that he has been emotionally abusive throughout your relationship and so you do not see it. He is gaslighting you clearly, as you've caught him lying so calling you paranoid when you have proof you are not is evidence of this abuse.

who told you that you are awkward? You said he tells you jit to come iut eith him and it doesnt take Much for you to agree, so it isnt your idea not to go at all. This is what he has turned you into.

in all honesty, you need outside help asap.

@Gymtanlaundry kindly, this isn't about you. He is acting in that way because of him, not anything you do / don't do.

What do you want to happen?

So he just wants a piss up with the lads like a single bloke and probably chat up women at these events.

Op, this is awful. He wants to be there on his own. I do not think it is anything to do with you or your appearance at all. He married you and, i am l categorically sure he is way out of YOUR league.

He wants to be there alone, most likely to get away from family life and suspect he has fed his colleague's a load of bs about his life and his achievements etc . Most likely does not want you there as you will see his bs and could poss out his lies/correct things. My Dad was like this, used to lie about how successful he was, how rich he was, how he had a big business etc. Never took my Mum or me and my sibling anywhere, kept well hidden . We were not part of his narrative . He is likely not having an affair ( he may want to, could be, my Dad did this , took women out based on lies he was rich, they sussed and then left, this was in the 70's and 80's ) i suspect what he has told his colleagues a load of crap and he has portrayed himself as different to his reality . He is scared you will see and out his bullshit. He is hiding something.

You are wayyyy to good for him, please do not ever doubt your beautiful self OP. You can sense something not right, find out what it is.

He’s acted enraged when you suggested he didn’t want you to go. So are you actually going?

To be fair, I think you have dodged a bullet as other people's work events are usually completely awful, but I realise that's not the point of the question......

It would be odd for all the wives and girlfriends to be going and he is going alone.

He doesn't honestly drink, pretty much T-total, he usually drives to events and spends the time there messaging me saying how much he wants to come home.
In all aspects he's very good to me and I'm genuinely not treated badly atall, we don't really argue, I think this is why it's hurt so much.
I'm pretty sure there's no mistress, he posts about me on social media and stuff so no issues there 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I'm not upright or anything, I try and encourage him to have a drink and enjoy himself.

I do think this those who have mentioned "babysitting" might have a point, I'd never thought of this, but he hasn't given me a chance, I'd happily converse with others on my own, although I'd be anxious beforehand for sure

Thanks again everyone x

Coming from the other side, I probably wouldn't invite my husband to a work do or out with friends either. Not because I don't love him, but I prefer to socialise without him as he does me, tbf. We don't do the couples night out thing, because I'd hate it. My friends are mine not his, and vice versa. We don't live in each others pockets and that's how we like it.

Further to my post, this is about him keeping YOU away from THEM and not THEM away from YOU.

One of my old bosses never brought his wife to the company parties; it was because he was shagging one of the admin staff. Doesn't look good.

Thank you for making me laugh, I'll keep this in mind, I wouldn't know as I haven't been but I can imagine it's probably not great x

Just say you'd like to go this time, even if you are a little socially awkward you'll not get over it without making that effort and he should be supportive of those efforts.

I’d just say to him you’d like to go. He should be glad you’re going with him.

I think it’s the babysitting thing. Are you good at starting conversations with people you don’t know?

Maybe he acts differently with his work colleagues, more laddishy, and worries about the disconnect in you seeing his behaviour with his colleagues? It does seem odd, and I'd probably insist on going.