I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

Tbh it doesn't matter why he doesn't want to include you, the point is he doesn't consider himself part of a couple outside of your home life together. Whether that's because of an affair, he doesn't think you'll fit in, he'd rather act like a single bloke, it doesn't really matter.

The point is that he wants your relationship to be detached from the rest of his life. That's not a normal relationship. Can you cope with that going forward because it seems pretty lonely to me.

It might not be a ‘not allowed’ thing, just a ‘there aren’t any’ thing. Lots of industries have so few women that it’s very possible for teams (or even smaller companies) to be all-male. Quite s lot of tech and engineering is very male. Circa 80% of actuaries are male. Lots of areas in sports are all-male. Fishing, conservation, construction, and so on.

He's gay?
He wants a wife so he can tick all the boxes, but there's something extra. A man, a woman, whatever. Ha! That reminded me of a man my ex knew, who kept two sheep secretly from his wife...

How do you know that if you’ve never met any of his colleagues? Has he told you that or is he in some branch of the armed forces that is men only for example?

@Gymtanlaundry what is the reason that you have become isolated over recent years? Do you have your own friends? Is your DH happy for you to see them?
Are you finding that you are agreeing with him a lot to keep him happy?

How would he react if you insisted on going?
I do find it incredibly odd that you’ve been together so long but you’ve never been to any events together or met his colleagues. It’s not normal behaviour and it sounds like you need to be a bit more confident and stand your ground with him, why does he get to make all of these decisions on your behalf?

Impossible to say, is he hiding a secret life and persona or is he incredibly worried about you being on show and wants to hide you away all for himself, like the Cindi Lauper song suggests.

We cant possibly know and neither can you, unless he starts taking you to these events, reasures you and then puts your mind at rest.

It sounds as though it's not going to happen and that alone is not very good, whatever the reason to deny you access to this part of his life, when you have asked, is unreasonable without a valid explanation.

That unreasonable, I'd consider it a reason for parting, for as long as his working life goes on you will be a secret.

If the event is at a public place I would be tempted to hire a PI for the evening and see how he behaves.

Why is he lying about the lie?

This is very well said. 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

There is no good reason. I might be understanding with every day make hang outs but for special events/occasions such as a very public ball or dance where everyone is going and he’s going out of his way to exclude you from it? Lol just no. fuck that. I cannot think of a single good reason.

But the other partners ARE going to the Christmas do!

Yes us agree that some predigestion’s are male dominated - I think actuaries are around 75% male. But are all support staff also male.

I think in this day and age having a company - even a small one - where all the staff are male is unusual.

i suppose he could work on a fishing trawler - that is the type of very small business where the Christmas do would involve just the five blokes. If the firm the husband works for has less than ten people, no reception shop (who can be male or female), no accountant, no he function etc then yes a tiny tiny company could be all one gender.

bit when op spoke of a big Christmas event with ‘WAGs’ it didn’t sound like five blows going out. Maybe I embellished

I think it's the ED. It's really excruciating to eat out with someone suffering from one (anorexia myself and hospitalised for it, so am including myself at that time). If his colleagues don't know you it might be he feels it will be really obvious.

My first thought was that he was a bigamist and taking his other wife.

He could have lost the job he tells you about and/or got another. Do you see what he is paid?

He's an abusive, gaslighting liar and going to this party might mean you find out what else he is lying about.

OP - you say you have become isolated and lonely.

Do you have any friends or family of your own or do you just depend on him and his family for your social life? It’s a bit odd - indeed, not good for you, I think - if the only people you socialise with are his family. How has this come about?

What I’m trying to understand is whether your social anxiety predated him or whether it’s something that’s started or got worse since you got together with him. DH and I socialise quite a lot together and quite a lot separately. That’s what seems normal to me. Whereas in your case, your DH goes out and about while you’re stuck at home. It’s all a bit odd.

You reply hoping as if one of the better options are the most likely - which is probably true, but you need to do more digging/insisting you will go etc, to confirm that this is the case.

How are you going to establish which theory it is op? Because you can’t just brush this under the carpet now, surely?

maybe he's not as popular at work as he's made himself out to be.
he might be worried that his work mates might take the piss out of him and he doesn't want you to see that
(clutching at straws )

I disagree with most posters
while partners are invited most career minded people and seniors don’t take them
these are work events for all but the most junior

Since you say you are shy and awkward and insecure and self conscious, it doesn't sounds like you would be a lot of fun to hang out with. It isn't fun to have to babysit your partner when spending time with friends or at work events. He wants to go and have fun nights out and it seems he feels that happens a lot more on his own than with you. You are an adult. He isn't responsible to cater to your insecurities.

What are you like with your friend groups? Does he come with you when you get together with friends or at work events?

None as blind as them that cannot see.

We got married overseas, his best friend was the best man, who we see every now and then but it was mostly family who came.
At the time we worked together so one or two friends/colleagues came and we originally met working together. He then moved into a section of the industry linked to it, which is where he is now and I moved onto a different career, that is how I know so much about his job and know one of his colleagues as he previously worked with us both in the old job.
I don't think my husband would have any issue with coming out if he was gay, his family are amazing and people in area are great, he wouldn't really be treated differently and he's not the kind of man to be held back from what he wants or who he is.

We do discuss my ED and I'd like to feel that if he was just doing this to protect me he would say it and we could try and move forward. I would say my condition has remained the same before and during our marriage x

I will also say that because of my ED brain my first thought is that he's hiding me because I'm fat or he's ashamed of my weight and that I need to get thinner so he will want to take me and I'll look amazing. That's horrific to say but I'm fully aware I'm programmed wrong x

Wise words

Op

im sorry you are suffering with an ED. Could it be you are v v thin?

do you go out for meals together? Do activities together? Holidays together?

This doesn't make any sense in rational terms.

If he didn't want to take you because he thinks you're fat, that would make him a truly horrible person. Why would you want to live your life with someone who is truly horrible?

Is he controlling in any other aspect of your life? So you found out he was lying about the Christmas party,
"I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him."
If that's not gaslighting, I don't know what is.

Is it only work things?