I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

Insist you go. Then, when he is ill or invents an excuse not to go, fucking have him on it

You seem unwilling to entertain the idea of an affair but I think you're being naive. I know it's hard when you're within the situation, but any outsider looking in can see there is obviously something very wrong here.

Affair, or even a double life imo.

We didn't go to works events, OH was told during an appraisal that he should make a greater effort. Says he struggles to put up with them at work why would he want to spend time with them out of hours.

We both worked on the same site (not together). We didn't tell people we married, just HR and a couple of his friends who also worked there.

I mean yeh, I get on great with all his family and he's always encouraging me to spend time with them. But over recent years I've become quite isolated and lonely so it's hard to see him heading out and I'm getting into my pijamas for the night, although that only happens like once every two/three months.

I don't have kids so I don't know if maybe he's worried I'll struggle with the other wives as they all have children, does he think we won't find commen ground?

I can babble and sometimes beat myself up afterwards about something I said, I know I put my foot in my mouth without thinking, but I'd be super careful in this situation as I'd want to make a good impression x

But that isn’t the same situation as the OP’s at all. Your last comment is that YOU BOTH LIKE that arrangement.

Would you still insist on socialising separately if your husband never went out with his own friends?

Presumably you wouldn’t lie to your DH and tell him that it’s a girls night out when you know that partners are expected to attend after he’d asked to go with you?

The OP’s husband is deliberately gaslighting her. And we don’t know why.

My first thought is to question why you think you have a good marriage? It doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. Why does he get angry with you asking a very reasonable question?

My second thought is that he likes his 'inside' wife so he can be free and single when he's out. Speaking of out, is there a possibility that he is gay and you are his beard?

I can't see a single reason why you haven't been introduced in his life outside your home, it's like you are a house cat or something.

A few reasons he either wants to keep the appearance that he's single so he can take advantage of opportunities for one night stands without judgement or monkey branch to a new relationship. Maybe his work persona is completely different and he acts like Mr Banter Big Bollocks in front of his mates. Or maybe he doesn't think you fit his image.

All the above would make me want to fuck him off and find someone better.

I could take my oh my x mas do but I am not as I like to keep my private life private .work colleagues know about him but why do they need to meet him? I don't intend to be chatting anyone else up or taking anyone else.

Agree with this

Would you still insist on socialising separately if your husband never went out with his own friends?

I wouldn't insist on anything. Neither would I force myself on one of his nights out and I can't believe people are suggesting it. Why doesn't the OP have any friends of her own to go out with? Someone who insists on inserting themselves into every part of another persons life can become quite wearing, unless you agree that's how you want to live. Maybe they just aren't suited to each other.

So he’s lied to you about it being lads’ night out? That’s very poor. Can you have a calm discussion with him about why he has tried to put you off?

So after you discovered wives/girlfriends were going, what was his reason for telling you it was men only?

I'd be hurt and confused in your position too OP. Why has he lied to you and why is he enraged you challenged him? I'd make sure I was at that works do!

I tried and he said I'd got it all wrong and he didn't remember telling me it was a lads night out. I tend to back away from confrontation whereas he likes to hash it out, I know he will give me a big excuse but the black and white of it is that he was for some reason trying to stop me from knowing about it or even going.

I do struggle with an ED so I don't know if he wants to protect me from a "dinner" situation, genuinely want to express here that he's a great guy and works in an all male environment so he's not messing around with the secretary as such.

xx

This.

I prefer to go on my own to such things as then I don’t have to worry about my partner having a good time and I can properly relax

But at an event where all partners are going, then it really is odd he won’t take you - especially given he knows you are upset about it. That’s really unusual, even for people like me.

i suspect what he has told his colleagues a load of crap and he has portrayed himself as different to his reality

This!
Maybe he is some kind of liar or fantasist who has invented all sorts of things about his private life to his colleagues. My wife is a brain surgeon/pop star/famous person/ and we live in a mansion/castle/huge ancestral pile... we have 6 children...we have an open marriage, 6 horses, our own helicopter etc etc

When you say he only works with men, did he tell you that? If not, how do you know?

Gaslighting too? Sounds delightful. I would start talking about going with him, see what he says.

He could be taking someone else there. Why would he be enraged rather than comfort you?

He treats you well… providing you behave exactly as pleases him. You challenge him on perfectly reasonable grounds and he flies into a rage. That doesn’t actually sound a fantastic marriage to me. The lying to prevent you going is bad (maybe it is because he thinks he’ll have more fun not having to worry about looking after you with people you don’t know, that’s still pretty unpleasant and hurtful when other partners are going) but the fury at you raising it is disgusting.

Look, I mean this gently but it does sound as if going out with you in social settings might be quite unrelaxing for him, especially if you are going to be anxious beforehand as well.

Maybe it’s time to work on your anxiety and explain to him that you really want to change this dynamic. It won’t be easy and probably best to start with smaller groups of people in a relaxed setting. Could you access any professional help?

I don’t think he’s handling this very well but I imagine he’s not doing this to be unkind. Maybe set some goals for yourself and ask him to support you in achieving them?

Good luck.

He might not have time for an affair but cheating doesn't always take place in the form of a full blown affair;my friends ex was dropped in it after falling out with a work colleague;this person told my friend that her ex would flirt with and then as immature as it sounds;snog and grope other women on nights out and sometimes go "home" early by going home with other women to their houses/hotel for a couple of hours for sex before heading home to my friend.

He’s shagging about. Absolutely guaranteed.

It's not though, is it

And he’s gaslighting. This is not a good marriage at all.

No thank you for your honesty and genuinely good advice, this sounds like a very levelled and good approach to the situation. I just also want to try and get over the lie, I struggle with forgiving deciept, and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't found out. Xxx