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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been kept hidden

369 replies

Gymtanlaundry · 29/10/2022 16:15

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 30/10/2022 15:20

SallyWD · 30/10/2022 12:04

Some people don't like mixing the people in their lives. I'm probably one of them. My work team is having a Christmas lunch and spouses are welcome. I'd say around 40 percent are bringing partners. I don't want to bring DH. I'm not embarrassed by him (I'm proud of him!), I don't fancy anyone else at work. It's simply that, for me, it feels a bit odd having my husband at a work thing, mingling with my boss and my colleagues! I know not everyone feels like that but some people do. It just changes the dynamic somehow. I also have friends that me and DH see together, but other friends I prefer to see without DH, again because the dynamic would be different. Don't get me wrong - it would be fine if he came. No problem. It's just certain things I prefer to do as me, rather than as a couple. If DH was upset about this I'd definitely reassure him and bring him along a couple of times so he could see there was nothing to worry about.
Maybe your DH is a different person at work, a jack the lad or something, and would just feel a bit uncomfortable having his wife there. It doesn't have to be anything sinister!

But do you do the same as OP's husband and lie - telling him it's a all-women event with no partners, and then when he finds out it's a completely different event from what you described and the partners are going, get angry and aggressive? I'm guessing not.

LyndaLovelace · 30/10/2022 15:29

Why are you avoiding talking to him @Gymtanlaundry

It takes two to create bad dynamics in a relationship.

You are enabling his behaviour by not asserting yourself.

As someone else asked- are you both from the same cultural background?

Some cultures behave differently and in your marriage all the control appears to be with your H.

If you are afraid to speak up for what you want, then you should, in short, get out of your marriage. It's not healthy.

Have you considered that living in fear as you are may even be contributing to your eating disorder?

Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 15:31

Gymtanlaundry · 30/10/2022 14:39

We still have not spoken, the house is just awkward silence, I feel sick and utterly miserable, my pride won't let me the first one to break the silence, he's in the wrong!

I thought you were going to address this?

I can’t fathom how you know this man is lying to you, gaslighting you, now giving you the silent treatment and proffess To be happy. It’s so utterly dysfunctional

layladomino · 30/10/2022 15:46

So much of what you've said suggests a happy, respectful marriage. Except the fact he sometimes lies as a way to get out of things, and he gets defensive and angry, and tells you you're wrong.

Those are quite significant negatives. Without trust the rest is devalued.

And if you daren't ask your husband a very reasonable question for fear of him gaslighting or becoming angry, that isn't a great relationship. He has achieved what he set out to do - frighten you in to not asking questions. He is covering something up and you deserve to know what. You also deserve never to be lied to.

If it's one of the 'innocent' reasons people have listed, why has he not shown you some basic respect and told you that?

LyndaLovelace · 30/10/2022 16:00

Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 15:31

I thought you were going to address this?

I can’t fathom how you know this man is lying to you, gaslighting you, now giving you the silent treatment and proffess To be happy. It’s so utterly dysfunctional

Show quote history

It is very hard to understand, or believe, how anyone can live this way. It's so unhealthy.

OP- instead of saying it's your 'pride' reframe that.

Being proud isn't going to achieve anything.

It's just a cop-out for being afraid to raise it.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 30/10/2022 16:01

@Gymtanlaundry I've just read your posts again and it screams that he does not treat you as his equal. His "protecting" you has got you eating out of his hand as he's conveniently put you in a position of vulnerability. That's not love, it's manipulation.

I read that you are a master of covering your ED and if he invited you to go and socialise by reassuring you that you don't have to eat then you'd go?

Please hold your head high, look him in the eye and demand to know what's going on. Don't let him gaslight you. It sounds like you've become strong enough to question situations. Use that strength to get answers.

You're not the delicate little flower he encourages you to be, for his own agenda.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 30/10/2022 17:17

@SallyWD , @jeffbezoz , read all the OP's posts. The husband is lying to his wife and deceiving her, and that is absolutely not on in a marriage. This is also not a 'white lie'. He is keeping her secret and hidden from his work life and outside life. He is gaslighting her using her ED as a weapon against her. He is leading a double life. There is never a justification to lie to your other half like this, she DOES has an expectation to invited to these things; she is his wife, his other half, he can't act like a bachelor.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 30/10/2022 17:21

@SandyY2K Her ED has nothing even remotely to do with this. Even he has said he doesn't think anyone notices.

Schnooze · 30/10/2022 19:15

Gymtanlaundry · 30/10/2022 14:39

We still have not spoken, the house is just awkward silence, I feel sick and utterly miserable, my pride won't let me the first one to break the silence, he's in the wrong!

This is nothing to with pride on who is right or wrong. You need to tackle this to see if you have a relationship worth saving. You need this conversation! Have it.

Original poster
Gymtanlaundry · 30/10/2022 19:37

We have spoken.... Atlast! Something in the house broke and he wanted my advice on what to do, after that was sorted he tried to act normal like nothing had happened.

I took peoples advice and said no we needed to discuss what was going on and I would not stop till I got the truth. I explained what he had done and how I was feeling.

At first he said it was in my head and I was creating problems where we had none.I did not accept this answer, he stated he had got confused with regards to what the Christmas do was going to be and the men kept changing their minds. He said sometimes he does think it's easier to go without me, as he likes to leave early and I'm often to polite to just sneak off and he would worry about me in a social situation.
He asked if I would like to go to the meal or just for drinks afterwards then we can go.

I will admit my insecurities heightened by my ED do make me think everything is aimed at me in a negative way so I could be just reading into things to much.

He has suggested if I am feeling lonely maybe the Christmas party is a good way of meeting the wags and building a friendship circle.

Is this good? I feel like it is but I'm sure some people will tell me he's gay again. I genuinely wouldn't have had the courage or know what to say if it hadn't been for some people on here. So thank you, and to those who think it's an abusive situation I genuinely appreciate your concern and support for other women. I feel a lot better, my husband doesn't say he's going to do something and backs out, he always follows through so I know if he says he's taking me then we are going..... Time for me to panick and get anxious hahaha x

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 19:39

I'm glad he admitted why he finds it easier to go alone. Set up a safe word so when he's ready to go you go.

Have a great time!

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 19:58

He tried to tell you it was all in your head, OP.

I'm glad he finally gave you an answer but it's obviously still a lot of lies. Did he apologise for lying and gaslighting you?

layladomino · 30/10/2022 20:01

This sounds like a positive move, but there's still something niggling here. Why wasn't he honest with you before? Why is he comfortable lying to you? Why didn't he tell you this was the issue when you asked the other day? Why did he gaslight you? Why hoes he get defensive and angry?

If I were you, I'd need good, solid answers to these questions before I'd relax about this. And he'd need to understand that lying is never OK and I wouldn't tolerate any more of it.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 30/10/2022 20:02

Gymtanlaundry · 30/10/2022 19:37

We have spoken.... Atlast! Something in the house broke and he wanted my advice on what to do, after that was sorted he tried to act normal like nothing had happened.

I took peoples advice and said no we needed to discuss what was going on and I would not stop till I got the truth. I explained what he had done and how I was feeling.

At first he said it was in my head and I was creating problems where we had none.I did not accept this answer, he stated he had got confused with regards to what the Christmas do was going to be and the men kept changing their minds. He said sometimes he does think it's easier to go without me, as he likes to leave early and I'm often to polite to just sneak off and he would worry about me in a social situation.
He asked if I would like to go to the meal or just for drinks afterwards then we can go.

I will admit my insecurities heightened by my ED do make me think everything is aimed at me in a negative way so I could be just reading into things to much.

He has suggested if I am feeling lonely maybe the Christmas party is a good way of meeting the wags and building a friendship circle.

Is this good? I feel like it is but I'm sure some people will tell me he's gay again. I genuinely wouldn't have had the courage or know what to say if it hadn't been for some people on here. So thank you, and to those who think it's an abusive situation I genuinely appreciate your concern and support for other women. I feel a lot better, my husband doesn't say he's going to do something and backs out, he always follows through so I know if he says he's taking me then we are going..... Time for me to panick and get anxious hahaha x

Well done for challenging over and over!

Please keep your wits about you. Not convinced but it's a start.

Mirabai · 30/10/2022 20:25

It’s good that you’ve addressed this one incident, but address his whole policy is yet to be tackled and his habit of lying about it.

But hey, one thing at a time, this is a good step forward.

Original poster
Gymtanlaundry · 30/10/2022 20:30

Yes thank you guys! I said that he's made me feel like an embarrassment and at that point I started to cry, he was genuinely devestated and kept trying to comfort me but I wanted to get my words out.
He keeps saying that because he doesn't drink he doesn't exactly like being around loads of drunk people, so he tries to sneak off early and he would find this hard if I was there, which to be honest is true, I would feel rude sneaking off early and would be inclined to stay longer.

I have told him the lie was unacceptable and there's alot to repair but he said he was genuinely muddled with what the final plans were, I pushed and pushed on this but he said there is nothing else to say as that's the truth.

I've got what I wanted an invite but I'm already nervous, double edged sword isn't it. You are all correct with regards to being careful moving forwards, and I hope I can try and be a little bolder. It was nice tonight to feel like I had you all behind me when I spoke up x

OP posts:
LyndaLovelace · 30/10/2022 20:50

I don't believe him.

He's lying.

It sounds like a novel!

Do you really, honestly believe him? That he wasn't sure if it was drinks with the boys or a full-on meal?

I don't know what work he does (or you- does your company not 'do' Xmas meals?)

Usually, big group meals are booked in September at the latest. The venue needs numbers and deposits. Are you not aware this is how most company do's work for Xmas?

And he'd feel worse sneaking off early as he doesn't drink, if you were there?

C'mon. He's having you on.

This is just daft.

georgarina · 30/10/2022 20:51

Well done OP. Go and enjoy yourself x

LyndaLovelace · 30/10/2022 20:54

He keeps saying that because he doesn't drink he doesn't exactly like being around loads of drunk people, so he tries to sneak off early and he would find this hard if I was there, which to be honest is true, I would feel rude sneaking off early and would be inclined to stay longer.

This is just bollocks.

Seriously, he's saying that even if you went and were enjoying it, he'd feel guilty about sneaking off early.

So in other words, it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

Not being prepared to stay longer if you were there.

Selfish or what?

billy1966 · 30/10/2022 21:03

OP,

You sound like such a lovely woman.

Please keep your wits about you.

I think you need to be very wary of a man so comfortable with lying and trying to shut you down.

Come back and post again should you need to.

We are here for you.

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 21:06

You’re married, he keeps you at home, you’ve not met any but one of his friends, he lies to you, he’s super handsome and you’ve no idea what he does with all the money he earns each month.

I’m really not sure he’s as saintly as you seem to think he is.

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 21:07

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 21:06

You’re married, he keeps you at home, you’ve not met any but one of his friends, he lies to you, he’s super handsome and you’ve no idea what he does with all the money he earns each month.

I’m really not sure he’s as saintly as you seem to think he is.

Oh wait. I hadn’t refreshed the page when I first read all the OP’s posts. It’s moved on…

runninglikewater · 30/10/2022 21:17

I don't believe him either. I'm not going to offer other explanations as it's not totally clear what's going on here but I don't think it's as simple as he's made out.

It's all very suss and still somehow the OP's fault.

LyndaLovelace · 31/10/2022 07:27

There's a lot going on here that's not clear Hmm

@Gymtanlaundry It's not clear if you are in denial or something else is going on with your posts.

You start off by saying how much in love you are and the great times you have YET your subject line is quite dramatic (and your long post shows the complete opposite of a happy loving marriage.)

I can only think there is much more to your situation than you are saying.

You've created a picture of a very dysfunctional marriage -
He lies
He controls you
He spends money on whatever (you don't know)
He is superbly handsome
He works in an all male environment, wears uniform, can't 'get out' of his shifts due to security, and there is not ONE woman in sight as they can't hack the job.
He encourages you to see your dad but not your friends.
He won't take you out to meet his friends.

It's not clear if you don't see what this looks like to anyone reading, or if you are in denial, or there are other reasons for all of this that you aren't saying.

The Xmas meal is almost irrelevant. If it is such a big 'do' it would be booked weeks back. He'd know exactly what it was (drinks or a meal.)

A lot of this just doesn't add up .

I hope you find a way forward through your problems.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 31/10/2022 07:39

@Gymtanlaundry is there a big age gap between you?